Friendships, coworker interaction and how to tell who is fake or trustworthy?

This is a problem I've had my entire life and still I don't know how to deal with it. People that have sought to have been 'friends' with me have emotionally used me as a soundboard for their woes and have not reciprocated in turn, or have asked more and more from me like emotional vampires again without supporting me or realising they are causing me distress. These people also tend to ask for money (small amounts for coffee or soft drinks from the local shop) and never give me the money back like they say they will. They go and get coffee or converse and socialise with other coworkers and I'm not invited. At the beginning of my employment less than a year ago, the same people would bother to converse with me and spend time with me. It's like they've realised there is something wrong with me and have rejected me. There is the other sort of person who tried to get me into trouble (I think) by trying to entice me into saying something bad about the company I work for or share inside jokes that make me look stupid. It's like they think I don't realise that they are treating me like a fool. Their expectation of more to gossip about is really annoying and I can only imagine they gossip about me behind my back too as gossiping is their 'normal'.

How do I address any of this while these things are happening and how do I hide this metaphorical target sign on my back? This is bullying isn't it? Although some people close to me like my parents say it's my perception. I feel dismissed by them when I raise these concerns about communication and interaction relationships with other people. It's really no wonder some people become hermits. People are inherently nasty I think. This belief is the result of many many let downs and disappointments over 30 years of experience. 

  • I've recently been taken in at work by someone who professed friendship based on her understanding of my Asperger's and how it affects me.  Then, she dumped me over something trivial - because I happened to believe in something that she disagreed with.  I've since found out that she's done this with others - accusing them of bullying, fabricating evidence against them, then arm-twisting more vulnerable and fearful (of her) staff to support her.  She's a narcissist.  These people know their victims. They can spot them a mile away.  They manipulate, exploit, destroy.  It's how they work.

  • Hi. Re-reading your post reflects my experience back at me. I asked for an SAR and  I was given my data which contained a lot of libellous content. Two days later I was asked to leave the building. I have been looking into employment law and disability rights since that day. I have not settled on a definite plan of action as of yet.

  • Former Member

    Yes, to me this sounds like you are being exploited (financially and psychologically) and constitutes bullying. 

    A common vulnerability is a tendency to be compliant with the wishes of others so it sounds as though these colleagues have noticed this. 

    Bit of a double bind is that we, as women, are also raised to be compliant and accommodate others in preference to meeting our own needs and desires. 

    Would be worth buying some books on how you can strengthen your psychological boundaries and learn to say 'no' in different (NT) ways. Reading up about emotional self care and self love may also help. If you fortify your sense of yourself, your preferences and dislikes it will hopefully become easier to tune into this and tell others. 

    I will quickly add that 'no' is also a complete response as it is, and quite liberating to use as a polite way to tell others to 'f*ck off'. 

    Hope this helps. 

    Saz

  • Yes, it is perception. Because it's what's happening. You aren't being fooled by your senses.  This is, in my experience, how people are. Bullying, manipulative, using me for what they can get.  I no longer trust anyone,  I avoid people as much as possible.

  • People are inherently nasty I think.

    I don't agree. Well, not exactly. People are a mixture of selfishness and selflessness and things in-between, and it depends a lot on the culture and situation they're in.

    If this takes about a year to kick in, I wonder if they start with good intentions, but then develop bad habits. I've felt a little abused by an NT friend recently, and think it might be because she sees me as reliable in a funny way and I never put up much of a fight on my own part. Just wondering about assertiveness...

  • Yes that's bullying and I don't think there's anything you can do about it unless you want to formally complain, in which case be prepared to say goodbye to your career.

    Don't lend anyone any money (just say you only have enough for your own coffee). People like that are not worth being around. It makes me angry just reading your post because it's exactly what happens to me every time I enter into a new situation. After about a year or so, people realise there's something "off" about me and they no longer want to be around me, and forget about trying to get support, even from the people whose job it is to provide the support.

    I used to think it was just my perception and that I was paranoid, and then I found a video of one of my colleagues talking about me behind my back in a worse way than I could possibly have imagined. What he did ended my career, and even filing a formal grievance with the use of the video and several other items of evidence had no effect other than to make me look even worse in the eyes of my employer, since my line manager was in cahoots with the colleague who was caught on video.

    The only thing you can do to protect yourself is record everything and, if it gets really bad and you feel your job is in jeopardy because of all the gossip, make a subject access request with your employer, asking for, for example, all the instances of your name being mentioned in emails, etc. Document everything, and make sure you have disclosed your disability to your employer, because workplace bullying is perfectly legal in this country, but if they do it because of your disability, it's harassment and illegal. Of course, you have to actually prove that your condition is bad enough to amount to a disability, even if they treat you the way they do directly because of your condition.

    I am one of the hermits you referred to. After obtaining several university degrees and building my career for over two decades, I cannot bring myself to even attempt to revive my career, not that anyone would hire me anyway. Last time this happened (something very similar happened at my last place of employment too), I thought that I wouldn't survive if it happened to me again, and I barely did. I am sure I really wouldn't survive such a situation if it happened yet again. With my diagnosis I realised that being treated how you described is my lot in life, and I refuse to let that happen again, so I simply stay away from other people. The weird thing is that I don't even know whether people realise how nasty they really are. They seem to think that we're at fault for not being "normal", and they seem to think that it gives them the right to treat us like something less than human beings, because, to them, we are not worth anything.

  • Hi, yes it's a minefield out there!  It is bullying, although NT people can act like this to cover their own inadequacies.  I'm in my 50s and have also struggled all my life with this type of behaviour.  Since I'm ASD and no expert, I can only relate my personal approach which is to distance myself from people who make me feel negative. Easier said than done in a work environment I know but I choose to be alone and labelled "odd" rather than suffer fools. I'm self employed which sounds great but brings its own problems!   I have very few close friends but it's the only way I cope.  The social nuances of acting falsely in order to gain favour, or to work out the politics of "getting on" in business, totally evade me.  Emotionally, I depend on ME - if someone is genuinely kind (and it does happen) that's a bonus but sadly it's not the norm.  I feel lots of people are not actually nasty, they just act nasty to fulfil their own agenda (if that makes sense).  They are possibly not thinking about the person they hurt at all.  Keep plodding and I hope you have some genuine surprises of niceness from time to time. X