Just got diagnosis as 44 year old woman - issues with parental abuse

Hello,

I finally got my NHS diagnosis of HFA and ADHD after a 2 1/2 year wait.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar and a plethora of other things such as agoraphobia, social phobia, balloon phobia, personality disorder (misdiagnosis).

i was always shouted at and hit as a child and told that I was "bad", repeatedly shouted at as a teenager by my mum "why can't you be normal", kicked out of the house, compared unfavourably to other children, told my school marks were "not good enough" (mainly c grades although I worked really hard). They even tried to send me home from a holiday aged 15 because I was misbehaving and my mum accused me of being on drugs.  They justified their behaviour as "when someone is spoiling something that you've saved up for, you just want to get rid of them so that they don't ruin it for everyone else".  They never even asked me at the time what was wrong, I remember being so distressed, particularly when I was left to go to meals by myself and wander around the resort on my own for 2 weeks - I was terrified.  They never asked me what the matter was, all they've ever been able to see was what was so "wrong" with me.

Life has always been a struggle because I always new I was different.  I've been bullied most of my life at home and at school or work.  

My relationship with my family has not been great over the last couple of years since my therapist identified that I had been the victim of emotional abuse and neglect as a child and verbal abuse as an adult. I had a breakdown, several suicide attempts and was sectioned as a result of this and their subsequent behaviour towards me.  It got so bad when they tried to attend a meeting at the hospital that they were uninvited to (we hadn't spoken in 6 months, my mum flounced out of the meeting).  The hospital and my therapist have diagnosed from afar my mother as having a personality disorder, my dad codependent and my brother having "personality issues"

Its all come to a head now - I told my dad on Wednesday about my full nhs diagnosis and he just said they'd done the best that they could.  He tried to turn things around by reminding me of my achievements and I have to admit I shouted as I told him it was because I had no choice and had made me extremely mentally unwell. 

My mum then phoned on Thursday, not to discuss my diagnosis, which she told me straight away, but to ask after the wellbeing of my mother in law who'd had an operation.  I'd already told my dad about this and my mum is jealous of my MIL, refuses to acknowledge her existence and never asks about her.  She then said that she "didn't need to discuss my diagnosis as dad had told her about it but that as far as she was concerned she had brought me up the same as any other parent and that she had nothing to feel bad about".  I was devastated - she showed absolutely no compassion let alone empathy or remorse for the terrible things that she used to shout at me.  I mentioned the holiday again and she just said ," well you always were a horrible little wotsit".  

I have been crying on and off for the last couple of days- as if the shock of the diagnosis is not enough, the reaction of my parents is devastating.  I am married and my husband is probably on the spectrum but doesn't know how to process this either.

I am struggling to find other peoples stories like this and, I guess, I'm hoping I can find some comfort on here. Did anyone else's parents behave like this?

  • No way ! Do not forgive them. That tired old excuse that they' tried their best' line is just that, a line. Did they really try? Did they stop and think for one bloody minute why you were the way you were? I doubt it. Most parents do not research any aspect of child behaviour. Mine were asked to meet at school with a progressive teacher who wanted to tell them that he thought that I was dyslexic. They immediately went into denial ! Sound familiar?  Oh I had much much more and my elder brother had the same and he killed himself, again through denial and rejection. how much does it take to make these people realise they were evil?

  • When you say that your asd is the elephant in the room do you mean that you are "masking" in RL or that people don't accept your diagnosis?

    Both and very perceptive of you. :) ... I mask in real life and thus my true self is my elephant, the diagnosis is also the elephant for others as well as the self that lies beneath it.. therefore the elephant is both tangible and intangible, sometimes seen, sometimes not, but not for long enough to be understood.

    my god, that was more complex that maybe it should have been... lol!

  • Hello,

            Sounds like you are having a tough time .... please dont be too harsh on your parents , mine were exactly the same and it has taken years for them to come round so to speak.Parents want there kids to have an easy life and telling them you have HFA is a shock to them aswell as you.Please dont despair dont wait for others to process it  .... be proactive and tell them what it means to you and what you expect of them to help you cope.Also, i feel me and my mom are in a constant who is the sickest arms race and family dynamics can be confusing but especially for people on the spectrum. DONT WORRY ... its your life , i was called a horrible little so and so too and fell out with my mom for years, but i am 51 now and she is 80 and finally we are finding common ground.Never give up, we are a much maligned and misunderstood people, ... you have to learn to forgive and evolve.All the very best and i really hope things get better for you.Try looking after yourself first ... a diagnosis can be a blessing.All the best

  • im sorry to hear that you haven't spoken to your mother and sister for 4 years.  I have also given up trying to conform now.  There is no point trying and now I have a name for my troubles I'd rather spend my time getting to know people who "get" me. When you say that your asd is the elephant in the room do you mean that you are "masking" in RL or that people don't accept your diagnosis?

  • No problem, I hope I do not come across as harsh.  I am sorry to hear that you had a hard time at home too.  I wish that there had been more help out there for us all

  • The relationship with my family was certainly, never particularly easy. They both came from difficult backgrounds myself - my father was a late and unforeseen arrival and an only child, his mother died when he was a teenager, just doing his a levels, and one of the saddest things was when I last saw them as a family, he took out his old school work to show us.

    Just heard something. Have to stop here

  • I see. Thanks for clarifying, and sorry if I misinterpreted things.

    'Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.'

  • Thank you.  I am blaming them for bad parenting because they have blamed me for not wanting to see someone when I was a child for behavioural issues.  They had a duty of care towards me and they failed to get me help, blamed me and showed no compassion.  The events I've said here are the tip of the iceberg because stuff would happen at least daily.  I also begged the school for help about my family issues but because my parents are well spoken they talked their way out of it.  The school had to intervene when I needed an operation because my parents had said I didn't want it - I was 12.

    i would like them to acknowledge my diagnosis but as my mum couldn't understand why I needed it even when I explained about putting my life into context it seems pointless.  She lacks the capacity for insight and reflection.  

    There was no humour in my mothers comment, it was full of spite and hatred.  She doesn't do jokes and is not a kind woman.  

    My therapist has turned my life around.  She has reparented me, helped to build the self esteem that was taken away by my family and identified that I was and still am being abused.  It took 2 years to unpick the trauma with her and now, in my 3rd year she has been able to help me to become the person that I am meant to be. She has even helped me to find people that I can trust.  She has been so commited that even though I see her on the nhs, officially I am discharged and she sees me in her own time.  

  • I was never kicked out of the family home, but I certainly had more bullying and abuse at home than at school, and things were very unhappy in ways I won't go in to. Hmm.. 'balloon phobia' as a formal diagnosis is a new one to me - is it triggered by the sound of them popping, because I can see how that would be explained by autistic traits? And how it could make some social events difficult.

    People react to their diagnosis in different ways, even if they'd suspected it for a long time - for me, at least I had something to call it.

    It sounds like you're closer to your father than your mum.  I'm wondering if they think you're blaming them for being autistic or bipolar, neither of which are much related to parenting. Isn't what you want for them to acknowledge the diagnosis, even if they don't really know what it means, so that it can help understand communication and social problems in the past?  Do they realise that's what you want?  I've wanted feedback from people who've known me a long time, and all I've really got is 'I've always thought you were' or 'no, you're not', nothing that really helps me make sense of things.  Was there any sense of humour when your mum said "horrible little wotsit"?

    Maybe your therapist isn't helping by focussing on negatives in the past. Do they actually resolve confusion and help you make life better?

  • Hi Gojojo

    I have an OH that thinks I can pills from the doctor to sort me out, a mother and sister who have not spoken to me for the past 4 years and people just seem to expect me to conform, get myself together and get on with things.

    My forum name, Elephantintheroom has a reason.. Myself and my ASD exist but are ignored and not seen.

    I have given up trying to be understood by others and this forum has helped a great deal to find me a small place to have a voice whilst the rest of my time is mute and compliant.

    you are not alone with your story but also every story is unique.... deaf ears abound and people find it challenging at times to make the "leap" and understand another persons existence, needs, and wants.