Family still don’t understand me

hi I’m a newbie here, self diagnosed high functioning autism about three months ago, but it’s been there my whole life.(I’m 30). My parents agree, it all fits so I’m now waiting on a referral that diagnose with NHS.

my problem just now is that my ASD has got me into trouble again and I don’t know what to do. A very tiny irritation on Saturday at my parents house has exploded into a family feud, two members aren’t talking to me. I said something truthful blunt and (now I know) inappropriate to try and explain myself. Then tensions rose very quickly and my own parent started to get aggressive and confrontational, calling me a liar, said that I manipulate others. They said things like “you’re always like this, you do this every time” and when I said give me examples as I can’t understand why you’re saying this, they wouldn’t. Or couldn’t.

As it stands I won’t speak to them first as I am adamant they should be apologetic to me for their behaviour and suggesting that I have ever manipulated anyone. I am completely incapable of this, I don’t lie because I can’t, and have frequently had problems in my life because of other people doing that to me. So it’s a stalemate. I hate this as it’s making me ill, I can’t sleep or eat. I just can’t undertand how two people think so little of me, and believe I’m something I’m not?

how do I get them to understand that my lack of tact was the issue, but that they shouldn’t have behaved the way they did towards me? Or do I properly cut them off like they’re trying to do to me? Sorry for the long message, I have nowhere else to vent.

Parents
  • Hi there, sorry to hear you are facing some difficulty. I can relate to this to some extent. When, I was diagnosed aged 15, my Father thought nothing was wrong me and still to the day he stands by that. It wasn't the case that something was wrong. My Dad, thought that I would be seen as 'disabled' or not 'normal'. I despise the word 'normal' with a passion. If that wasn't enough, his perception of me was that someone 'disabled' or with a 'disability' is considered less inferior e.g. weak, unintelligent. It is not a term he would ever use or associate myself with. From a 'man or male' perspective you are told to be this 'alpha male', 'strong', 'fit'...the list is endless.

    Overall, I wish my Father would accept me for me from a whole perspective. I think that would strengthen our relationship. Also, that he doesn't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. Just because I am autistic that doesn't make any less of a person (human being, individual).

    Remember the beauty from within, know one knows you as you do. It might be worth trying self-affirmations e.g. 'I like what I see in my reflection'. Take each day in small doses.

Reply
  • Hi there, sorry to hear you are facing some difficulty. I can relate to this to some extent. When, I was diagnosed aged 15, my Father thought nothing was wrong me and still to the day he stands by that. It wasn't the case that something was wrong. My Dad, thought that I would be seen as 'disabled' or not 'normal'. I despise the word 'normal' with a passion. If that wasn't enough, his perception of me was that someone 'disabled' or with a 'disability' is considered less inferior e.g. weak, unintelligent. It is not a term he would ever use or associate myself with. From a 'man or male' perspective you are told to be this 'alpha male', 'strong', 'fit'...the list is endless.

    Overall, I wish my Father would accept me for me from a whole perspective. I think that would strengthen our relationship. Also, that he doesn't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. Just because I am autistic that doesn't make any less of a person (human being, individual).

    Remember the beauty from within, know one knows you as you do. It might be worth trying self-affirmations e.g. 'I like what I see in my reflection'. Take each day in small doses.

Children
  • Thank you for replying. I liked the advice at the end about small doses. And I understand about the awkward father relationship, mine seems to be slightly embarrassed about me without actually admitting. He advised me not to “broadcast it” to everyone. Why should I keep it all to myself? I’m not ashamed.