Bullying - With Experience

I started a few primary school, and just got in fights for years,
I made my two friends in my 5th primary school which helped me see that I didn't need to lash out needlessly to get attention, those few years were great,
Then came high school, lost the friends i had, and had to start again- the change tipped me. People noticed my insecurity and jumped on it, I dealt with it by getting in fights again (which I'm scarily good at, considering i don't like it.) - I got the attention in high school through this, but wanted more, so started the persona i felt i needed, by being the people i hated, I was horrible to other people (I was a bully). I kept it up for a month, it broke me inside. I hated myself, and other's, I stopped, I couldn't keep it up, it was a lot of effort and with the schools pressure on exams, and the school's headmaster and teachers getting swapped around constantly cs' of ofsted.

My little sister started at the same highschool, i stopped fighting and being the bully and made "real" friends.
Little sister started getting bullied, and I still held true, and didn't revert back to fighting and being horrible. I used my head instead, outplaying my sisters' bullys with intelligence, seemed to do the job better.
After my sister left to be homeschooled as bullying wasn't going away for her, the target seemed to shift to me, who wasn't fighting anymore, and getting really high marks, and came off sort of strange.

I passed my GCSE's easily, even with Mental health problems (8 years later, is Stress induced psychosis.  Likely cs' of my autism -which is now also diagnosed 7 years later) 
I didn't want to change my life again, i stayed for 6th form, the bullying kept up till' i left- I had to leave eventually, cs' i was being swapped on different anti psychotics, and kept getting very ill.

Left 6th form, took a year to get myself together, I tried College instead, bullied the same day i joined- was horrible, trying to hold back from going into the persona, and beating people up. The frustration to fit in, but not being able to do it, without hating myself and doing stuff i didn't like, wasn't all that great. I left (obviously).

This was a year or three ago now, I'm doing - I guess, a hell of a lot better than i was then. My mum always said people would appreciate the kindness and compassion i had, and i didn't need to be some person i wasn't just to fit in. I didn't believe her tbh. 

I've got people now in my life, who love me, no matter what i say or do- I feel i don't need to put on my persona as much anymore. I only really do it in social situations where i feel really stressed, like an instinct reaction to more than 2 people i don't know.

I started a few primary school, and just got in fights for years,
I made my two friends in my 5th primary school which helped me see that I didn't need to lash out needlessly to get attention, those few years were great,
Then came high school, lost the friends i had, and had to start again- the change tipped me. People noticed my insecurity and jumped on it, I dealt with it by getting in fights again (which I'm scarily good at, considering i don't like it.) - I got the attention in high school through this, but wanted more, so started the persona i felt i needed, by being the people i hated, I was horrible to other people (I was a bully). I kept it up for a month, it broke me inside. I hated myself, and other's, I stopped, I couldn't keep it up, it was a lot of effort and with the schools pressure on exams, and the school's headmaster and teachers getting swapped around constantly cs' of ofsted.

My little sister started at the same highschool, i stopped fighting and being the bully and made "real" friends.
Little sister started getting bullied, and I still held true, and didn't revert back to fighting and being horrible. I used my head instead, outplaying my sisters' bullys with intelligence, seemed to do the job better.
After my sister left to be homeschooled as bullying wasn't going away for her, the target seemed to shift to me, who wasn't fighting anymore, and getting really high marks, and came off sort of strange.

I passed my GCSE's easily, even with Mental health problems (8 years later, is Stress induced psychosis.  Likely cs' of my autism -which is now also diagnosed 7 years later) 
I didn't want to change my life again, i stayed for 6th form, the bullying kept up till' i left- I had to leave eventually, cs' i was being swapped on different anti psychotics, and kept getting very ill.

Left 6th form, took a year to get myself together, I tried College instead, bullied the same day i joined- was horrible, trying to hold back from going into the persona, and beating people up. The frustration to fit in, but not being able to do it, without hating myself and doing stuff i didn't like, wasn't all that great. I left (obviously).

This was a year or three ago now, I'm doing - I guess, a hell of a lot better than i was then. My mum always said people would appreciate the kindness and compassion i had, and i didn't need to be some person i wasn't just to fit in. I didn't believe her tbh. 

I've got people now in my life, who love me, no matter what i say or do- I feel i don't need to put on my persona as much anymore. I only really do it in social situations where i feel really stressed, like an instinct reaction to more than 2 people i don't know.