Attachments

Hi,

I am not sure if what I am going to write about has been asked before or even if I have asked myself before. This is a really sensitive topic that I really want to get some feedback on.

I guess I am also wondering if anyone has struggled with anything similar. I have decided to post because I am not sure where else to turn. I am scared to raise it with people.

So what I wanted to ask was does anyone or has anyone found that they get attached to people easily. For myself it is with people that have been nice to me. I guess the only way I can explain it is. I got attached to someone who used to do a quick head/shoulder massage (in a shopping centre). They were kind to me. I found myself buying them a thank you card and a small gift. I would go back numerous times a week. In the end they told me it wasn't healthy and I stopped. I had another similar experience and bought another person a card and gift card to say thank you. I just get attached to them. I then worry that they won't be there anymore that I won't cope. This is has happened since I was at least 10 years of age and it happened with teachers. I could write a very long list of all the people I have become attached to. When I get attached I then fear something happening and them not being around anymore. I hate myself for it, I just feel like an awful person. I'm not sure why I do it either.

Please share if you have experience this. I am in a position where someone I am getting support from professionally shared an example of themselves to explain a situation and now  I feel like I know too much about them and fear something bad happening. 

  • Someone is kind - you get attached.

    In a big busy world things can seem and are often isolating... peoples humanity and gestures of kindness can be overwhelming particularly if it has been absent in your life.  With my current partner i asked for three things - (1) Be kind (2) no mind games or trickery and (3) hold me at the end of the day.

    Nothing there in the above about being loved, understood, cared for... I just craved humanity and kindness.  The urge to feel safe and the knowledge that someone kind existed.

  • Yes this has been a huge problem for me in the past, so much so that its totally ruined relationships.  I seemed to go through a stage where anyone who showed any interest in me had to become the most important thing.  I encouraged in many ways them to fixate on me, and i had to become obsessed with them. Then my interest in them would to them seem like a romantic interest - when i then said no thats not how i feel at all (which it wasnt), understandably that made them upset and caused problems.  I done this time and time again until i realised finally just how destructive i was being.  Now i probably overcompensate and dont get close to anyone, and i despise anyone trying to be close to me

  • I do this to some extent. Certainly when I send thank you cards to professionals I have help from I have to be careful to make sure they're appropriate. With a dentist I had a few years ago, for instance, he was so kind but he was also attractive. I didn't fancy him as he was too young for me but I had to make sure when I wrote him a thank you card that it dealt solely with his professionalism and kindness and the gratitude I felt. Normally I put kisses on cards so I had to be very sure I didn't as I didn't want to make him uncomfortable or that I meant more than the card said.

    The need for acceptance and care is very strong in all of us (NTs as well). You have the awareness of it, though, which is a great start. I was wondering whether you could create a strategy for yourself for when you feel that attachment happening again. With your support worker do you think it would help to explain your feelings about them sharing their story and why? It could start a discussion on boundaries which might help you.

    You're not an awful person. In fact, you're a very caring person. Perhaps caring for people who aren't in a position to return your attachment is a way of keeping you safe from other relationships. I can only speculate and hope that you're able to deal well with your latest and any future situations like it.

  • I can kind of relate from when I was in my teens and twenties. I might spend hours on hand-making cards, It also shaded into having crushes on members of the opposite sex. Sometimes it was appropriate for the person, but sometimes it was too much. Maybe this was from my lack of confidence and knowledge about the world.

    I think being affectionate is a good thing. It just sounds to me like you're looking for affection and constancy in return, which is natural, and maybe looking in some of the wrong places. You can only know this by asking the other person's feeling and reactions. I wish you didn't hate yourself for it, and hope you can share your worries with more people who you trust. I expect the professional was trying to help appropriately (but if not, tell someone). Would it make sense to try showing some of that affection for yourself? You're as good as anyone else.

  • I've read about it a lot recently in relation to PDA but it isn't something I have experienced personally. 

  • Thanks for your reply and explaining the situation of your friend's son. I am not really sure where it comes from I just know it has been there from a young age. There could be an element of desiring to be close to someone. I just really find it embarrassing.

  • Hi, I don't have own experience of this, but the adult son of a friend does it. It seems it's mainly because he is very social guy but he doesn't find many people that are kind to him, maybe briefly out of politeness but then they avoid him. So when someone is nice to him for longer then he gets really attached and he doesn't realise when people don't appreciate it. One time he kept following a woman who knew him and had been kind to him, making presents and all that, but she got worried about it and tried many times to get it across to him that she didn't want him to do that. In the end she asked the police for help, they were really nice and he did understand it then, but it's quite sad because his need for being close to someone is still just as strong.

    Does that sound familiar to you, this unsatisfied need for someone to be close to, or do you feel like this regardless what relationships you have with people?