Published on 12, July, 2020
Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.
I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.
I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all.
How do I become me?
Hi Song, I was diagnosed last year at age 56. I had muddled through most of my life by working out how to blend in with other people, but several years ago I became very badly depressed, with a major factor being that I don't have any real sense of self.
I am now in the strange position that I don't feel like myself unless I am with other people, but that concept of self varies depending on who I am with. Being on my own for extended periods of time is pretty much unbearable, & rapidly degenerates into savage levels of self criticism & feelings of extreme emptiness.
I've already had one round of Psychotherapy on the NHS, which didn't help at all but at least prompted my ASD diagnosis. My Doctor has left it with me to try to suggest any further therapy. but I honestly haven't a clue what to suggest, so I just keep taking the tablets, which make my depression more bearable.
I still don't really know what identity is supposed to be & when I see myself in photos or even the mirror, I don't feel any real sense of recognition either. By default I feel more like some sort of adaptive computer algorithm & only feel like a person when I am with friends because being around them gives me a sense of definition.
Not sure what the answer is, but if you find out let me know ;-)
Take care
I had a therapist tell me that I didn't have much 'sense of self'. However, I didn't have much sense of what 'sense of self' meant.
I've heard (typical) people remark that they're social chameleons and have different personalities depending on who they're with. That makes sense to me - our 'identity' isn't all inside us, but is about how we act and interact. Meanwhile, being isolated I have found is pretty unhealthy as there's little to anchor your thoughts and feelings to. The difference with autistic people may just be more isolation.
I think actually discovering your authentic self may take more than a year.
Cassandro said:I've heard (typical) people remark that they're social chameleons and have different personalities depending on who they're with.
I've just been diagnosed 10 days ago and this is something that always bothered me, A LOT. I always criticised myself (yes, specially when on my own) for not being the same person with everyone I know, I always questioned myself if I was lying to people amongst other feelings...Reading through all of this has made me realise that probably is something we (on the spectrum) all do, the worrying over it. And maybe the difference from neurotypical is that they just don't bother or they don't even realise they act different.
And I guess maybe, we feel it so much because of the fear of change. I don´t know, might be one of the reasons. I want to be the same everyday with everyone?