Not sure who i am any more

Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago,, (aged 51 female for those that don't know me) I'm not sure who i am. I have struggled always, masked most of the time an had catastrophic mental health problems but also raised a family of 5 children got a degree and held a professional job for 20 years untill i became too ill.

I don't know how to be me. How to not mask, I can do all of nothing, mask or curl up in a ball. Stay in bed or up but I'm my nighty or go out and be that ever coping mother/ house wife etc. This is not working for me it messed with my head being the super masked woman, I need to not be her, but how do I be someone else that isn't just a fat blob in a bed rocking.

I'm NOT feeling suicidal at the moment, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of point to it all. 

How do I become me?

  • I've heard (typical) people remark that they're social chameleons and have different personalities depending on who they're with.

    I've just been diagnosed 10 days ago and this is something that always bothered me, A LOT. I always criticised myself (yes, specially when on my own) for not being the same person with everyone I know, I always questioned myself if I was lying to people amongst other feelings...
    Reading through all of this has made me realise that probably is something we (on the spectrum) all do, the worrying over it. And maybe the difference from neurotypical is that they just don't bother or they don't even realise they act different.

    And I guess maybe, we feel it so much because of the fear of change. I don´t know, might be one of the reasons. I want to be the same everyday with everyone?

  • The question I have repeatedly asked my therapists is "What is a real sense of self supposed supposed to feel like?", as I honestly don't know. For as long as I can remember, the inside of my head has just felt like an algorithm that adapts to my environment. I can't remember ever having a single consistent 'Inner Voice', just a committee of fragmented voices who frequently disagree.

    Being on my own isn't too bad if I am busy trying to solve a problem, as I often have several sets of ideas & opinions to choose from. My 'Internal Commitee' has a sense of humour & often adapts to what I am doing, so for computer programming, my thought patterns become more mechanical & it uses voices & sound effects from 'Star Trek Next Gen'.

    Isolation without something to keep me busy is disastrous though, as my head gradually turns into something more like a 'Courtroom Trial' where I am forced to relive every negative event in my life & being found 'Guilty' for all of them. Eventually, it becomes so unbearable that I will do anything to escape it. In the past I have often just sat in a pub or cafe & read a book, since even being around people I don't know seems to have a calming effect.

    When I am with people I know well though, everything changes as I seem to acquire a 'Temporary Sense of Self' based on the persona that I have evolved in that context. For the most part ,the more negative aspects of my 'Internal Committee' fall silent too, almost as if they lose their power to hurt me when other people are around.

    For the last four/five years I have been on anti-depressants & also had unsuccessful Psychotherapy on the NHS (which lead into my ASD diagnosis as my therapist thought that might be why I was so resistant). My Doctor has asked me to research forms of therapy more tailored to people on the Spectrum, but since there is so much variation in expression, I am not sure how that would even work.

    I have read quite a lot about different forms of talking therapies & have pretty much come to the conclusion that they all depend solely on belief. My previous Psychotherapist said that I can't allow anything to help me unless I can see how it works scientifically, but the more I read about different techniques, the more they all just seem like 'Mental Placebos'.

    I know that my problems are most likely some form of amalgamation of bad childhood & lifetime experiences combined with ASD, but that knowledge does not suggest any potential solutions & I am increasingly worried that there is no way of repairing the damage. Sorry to have rambled on too much, I'm just not mentally in a good place & haven't been for quite some time.

  • Hi, as a 51 year old female diagnosed 6 months ago I totally know how you feel.  I also have a professional job, 2 kids and and been quietly trying not to go crazy for the last six months to trying to make sense of it.  It will get better.  Read everything you can about autism and/or Aspergers and adult diagnosis - it feels good to realise other people felt just like you and they maybe felt as bad as you do now but got through it.  Tell someone because you will need someone to share all your rapidly changing thoughts with but remember even if they are supportive they won't get it because to them nothing actually happened to you, you are still the same person.  I've been writing and drawing every crazy thought to help me make sense of it to make into a zine for anyone else at the beginning of the journey.  Not that I think I'm at the end but I don't think there are many more feelings left to feel.  There's nothing wrong with lying on a bed rocking sometimes if you are thinking about how you can actually to be a person.  It might take days of lying and sitting in corners and thinking and thinking and thinking.  Maybe after this you won't be the old you but you can be a different you, a better you that understands yourself more.

  • Why, how are you feeling?

    I'm better than dreadful, probably.

  • I don't know about the pie but a warm cat is a wonderful thing. I hope everyone 8s feeling better than me today

  • 'Hell is other people' - J-P Sartre.

    'Hell is oneself' - TS Eliot.

    For a while, it worried me that both were correct. Then I concluded that heaven must be spinach pie and a warm cat.

  • Same here Tom, I've been told that a few times but no-one seems to have an answer to the question of , "So why doesn't it feel like that to me sometimes?".  

    I wonder if it's that, if it's true that humans in general get most of their sense of identity from the people around them - and I'm not reading the people around me very well / accurately - is it that MY sense of myself keeps crashing against what I think I see reflected back at me from others? The two versions just don't match up? 

    If so, that might explain why I feel perfectly fine about myself right up until I have to interact with other people. Then everything feels messed up.  

  • Sounds like a stock 'therapist' remark.  I was told that I'm remarkably self-aware.  I'm still not sure what that means in the context of 'therapy'.

    I think we're in a bind.  Isolation is unhealthy... and so is socialisation.  That's my experience, anyway.

  • I had a therapist tell me that I didn't have much 'sense of self'. However, I didn't have much sense of what 'sense of self' meant.

    I've heard (typical) people remark that they're social chameleons and have different personalities depending on who they're with. That makes sense to me - our 'identity' isn't all inside us, but is about how we act and interact. Meanwhile, being isolated I have found is pretty unhealthy as there's little to anchor your thoughts and feelings to. The difference with autistic people may just be more isolation.

    I think actually discovering your authentic self may take more than a year.

  • No.  I don't take any medication.  I self-medicate, though.  I'm going through a bad patch myself right now.  It comes in waves.  It's a bad time of year for me, though, with the anniversaries of mum's passing (26th April last year) and dad's passing (7th May 2004), plus my birthday last Saturday (12th May).  A lot of stuff is crowding in.  It's making me feel very low.  But I know it will pass.  So I'll give it the time to.

    I have an appointment to see my GP on Wednesday, when I'll spill it all out.  I really need to be not working at all right now.  I'm on a week's annual leave, but I feel that won't be enough.  I'll see how it goes.

    Take care.

    Tom

  • Hi Song, I was diagnosed last year at age 56. I had muddled through most of my life by working out how to blend in with other people, but several years ago I became very badly depressed, with a major factor being that I don't have any real sense of self.

    I am now in the strange position that I don't feel like myself unless I am with other people, but that concept of self varies depending on who I am with. Being on my own for extended periods of time is pretty much unbearable, & rapidly degenerates into savage levels of self criticism & feelings of extreme emptiness.

    I've already had one round of Psychotherapy on the NHS, which didn't help at all but at least prompted my ASD diagnosis. My Doctor has left it with me to try to suggest any further therapy. but I honestly haven't a clue what to suggest, so I just keep taking the tablets, which make my depression more bearable.

    I still don't really know what identity is supposed to be & when I see myself in photos or even the mirror, I don't feel any real sense of recognition either. By default I feel more like some sort of adaptive computer algorithm & only feel like a person when I am with friends because being around them gives me a sense of definition.

    Not sure what the answer is, but if you find out let me know ;-)

    Take care

  • You are also amazing song,,,sharing your issues gives much help and support by highlighting what many here go through, not everyone has the ability to actually put their thoughts down on here, I am sure each and everyone of us sharing our troubles gives help and support from knowing we are not alone, and that there are ways to cope,,,I often read threads and try to think what to say that might just help,,,while I am desperately thinking about how to phrase it so it comes across ok someone replies with a really good answer, I might know how others feel but not always able to put across my words.

    You started this thread and it has given many answers to me and maybe others.

    Take care now.

    x()x

  • I was feeling a little down about it all so I have just re-read all your answers here. Thank you everyone you are all amazing.

  • Firstly congratulations on your identification. I know so many people who would love to be assessed and to find out for sure. Locally to me, the waiting time is 3 years for children, adults...well who knows? It is almost impossible unless you go private, which is what I did. It is one thing believing you are autistic, quite another being told you brain is not wired quite the same as everyone else's. Its both a shock and a relief.

    I have met or spoken to very few people who were not pleased to be diagnosed. Remember you are still the same person, nothing has changed, you are still you. What is different is that you now have been given a gift, the gift to understand yourself and to make sense of the world around you. It's also an opportunity to be kind to yourself, not to put yourself through things that upset you or cause you difficulty, to forgive yourself for any interactions which, er...could have gone better! Of course, it is going to take time to adjust, its bound too. You have just been told something really big, it would be a little worrying if you did not consider this as a time for reflection. 

    Try not to do what I did, and that's to analyse everything you do or say to death. I knew far too much about autism for my own good when I was diagnosed, I nearly drove myself mad with it. As for masking, well I won't bore you with my life story, but... masking nearly killed me. Trying to pretend I am someone who I am not, placing myself in positions and environments I knew I couldn't handle and continually trying to bluff my way through got me in the end. You/we need to look after ourselves if we don't we meltdown, burnout and like me hit crisis point. For people our age ( born way after 1991) this is usually the point where we try to find an assessment centre. 

    Remeber that there are thousands and thousands of us. Autism is a naturally occurring variation of the human genome, there is not one correct cognition no more than there is one correct gender or sexual preference. The planet needs autistic people, it would fall apart without us, don't believe me? Go to the Silicon Valley and see for yourself. There is no shame in being autistic. Yes there are challenges but just remember lots and lots of Neurotypical suffer from anxiety and depression, it's not just us, we don't have a monopoly and feeling down and questioning who we are.

    Welcome to the community #actuallyautistic 

  • Yes i have to have my routines if i am to be calm. I think i understand what you mean. I can certainly find excitement from many things that interest me, and if i can enjoy those without disrupting my timetabling too much, then that is the best balance for me i think.

  • is it not unreasonable of me to curl up and switch the world off?

    Why would it be unreasonable?

    If you catch a dose of flu, you spend a day or two in bed, until you've beaten the virus. 

    There is no autism virus to beat.

    It sounds to me like you could be having an identity crisis? You are going through a process of realignment as your sense of reality of self shifts, in light of your diagnosis. In a sense you are grieving the loss of the fictional person you thought you were. 

    I can relate to many of the things you describe, though it sounds like you have been more successful at life than I. 

    With time you will find a new self that you can accept. Why make life difficult? Use your knowledge of yourself to make the rest of your life less troublesome. 

  • I'd never heard of masking before i joined this forum and i'm not sure that i do it either. I try my best when i have to do stuff, but people usually look at me like i've just arrived from another planet. So if i am masking, it's not working.

    Same here, Thank You for that reply.

    ...Yet perhaps this next is a definition of Autism: I do not like "bland" days, but I do like Neutral and Calm. Perhaps what we both mean is ROUTINE, that is, a safe reliable Base... and once we know of that safe Base, we may deviate from it to invite excitement, differences, progress, good, great, bad, awful, information, challenge, difference, change... yet so far all ENDING up in the same Routine-Neutral place after all of that...? (Unless we want to change it?)

    Mr.Robert123 said this upon another Thread, to take different paths to reach the usual destination and to add a little adventure or change to one's life.

    (  ... and to <> Quote someone completely unrelated... "There are many ways to travel to Osaka, (by Bus, Train, Airplane, or Walking)... but all of them will get you there so long as the direction is right!"  )

    I Hope I have not confused anyone too much, with this Post...!

  • I'd never heard of masking before i joined this forum and i'm not sure that i do it either. I try my best when i have to do stuff, but people usually look at me like i've just arrived from another planet. So if i am masking, it's not working. I'm not sure i'm capable of appearing normal in social situations as there is just too much for me to think about and figure out. I completely agree that a neutral, bland sort of day, is at least a calm one, which is often the best we can hope for!

  • I wish I'd thought like this from the start. I've only recently started thinking like this.

    I think we have an absolute right to choose who / what we are and this diagnosis is as good a reason / time as any to embrace that right. Perhaps feeling like you're none of the things / masks you used to be is an ideal clean slate (horrible as it feels right now) from which to start from scratch to re-build yourself? 

    I've pretty much made a mess of everything, in my opinion, up until now. Lots of mental heath problems, problems with addiction, relationships, and every opportunity I got was squandered. Self-sabotage at it's utmost sometimes. I didn't know whether it was Autism or me being a general prat. I have big problems with how I've lived my life up until now. Some guilt and some regret. I got my diagnosis after a breakdown. I heard someone call a breakdown a breakthrough the other day, it made sense to me. It made me realise I needed to address everything, that led to my diagnosis. I'm now doing just what Endymion says.

    How do I become me?

    You are already you. From what I can see you have handled and achieved a lot. I was always expected to achieve a lot, in quite a few things. A star pupil and a pretty nice kid. Not a bad looker either, lolStuck out tongue winking eye. I ended up in and out of mental heath care, an alcoholic and junkie, a pretty violent person, a criminal, and every relationship I've had has failed. Mostly from fighting against my Autism. It was destroying me. I now look like a modern art masterpiece too! Look at how much you have done without knowing what was messing with your life. You now have a diagnosis and a way to move forward. I admire you Song.

    I was uncertain how to answer, because as far as I know - I have NEVER "masked"...!

    I had to learn to mask and it has not done me any favours. I can't totally mask, I rock, tic, talk and sing to myself. Growing up I had some really "weird" behaviours though and sometimes people would try to pick on me. I wasn't really brought up in a house where being picked on wouldn't have been accepted and I had it drilled into me to never stand for it. So I ended up fighting all the time. I got left alone after a while because people knew they'd have a fight (I'd also found a trick of ripping people's clothes, people tend not to like their stuff getting ruined). I got into a "fighting" mentality. Getting beat up, taking beatings and back and forth.

    I'd also challenge authority. I got expelled. Sacked from jobs. My family life wasn't too good.

    As for relationships with girlfriends I was too ashamed to go to places that made me anxious or would lead to overload. I didn't want to let them see me "snap". I'd lie to avoid it or put a "mask" on if I did.

    I had to learn to "mask" certain things because it was carnage if I didn't.

    *** I sound like a right mess!

    Since I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago

    Please Song don't let it mess you up. I've spent about 18 months of my life trying to make sense of it but in a negative way. Things are how they are but it's a good thing. I'm not going to blame the rest of the world or myself anymore. I'm not going to see the rest of the world as the "other" or myself as the "other". I still have days where I look back but they are getting less frequent.

    I have a better understanding now of who I am than I've ever had.  And that self-knowledge has given me a reason to go forwards - a reason I couldn't have had without my diagnosis.  That's what put it all into context for me, and helped me to make sense.

    Tom is talking sense. All of the problems you've had aren't mysteries anymore. You can identify things that you can work on strategies for.

    My life is stuck in Neutral, I would say, but I prefer that, to the alternatives offered

    Take the time you need to get to where you need to get. It's only been a few weeks. If you need to lie in bed, so be it. You have your kids and husband but when you can take time for yourself.

    I'm not being patronising when I say I think you will be OK. You've achieved so much without the diagnosis, more than most people in general. With a bit of time out and understanding of how to deal with it, I hope you realise how well you've done.