Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
First of all I want to start by saying I hope you'e well Tom.
After reading the messages on here I want you to know you are not alone with experiencing anxiety as I have done in waves coming and going all my life.
I recently suffered bad last October I also think partly was to blame because of change in my workplace a manager having to move for a few months but not only a manager a person I felt comfortable with communicating with as I feel he understands my struggles always tells me not to worry when I often question too many things.
Unfortunately the replacement manager was the opposite and as I felt there was no longer anybody I could feel comfortable communicating with anything that bothers me I was just having to get on with things. I really do not like change even my previous manage saying "you like your comfort blanket" and I remember thinking yes I do.
One of the worst experiences was about 7 years ago when I made the decision to move towns and get a transfer to a new site but same job. I felt like I was cracking up I had to go and visit the new workplace a few days before to try and familiarise myself. I needed to know how to get there and where could I park.
I made the dreaded decision to meet the new manager I was nervous as hell in doing so I parked my car outside the depot on yellow lines leaving my wife in the car for 25 minutes not realising everyone from the depot was beeping there horn at her as they passed, until she had a go at me questioning me in the car afterwards it was all too much to take in so I had a massive outburst in the car something I'm not proud of but I cannot handle too much pressure etc
Not long after as I felt I was cracking up I went to see my GP who prescribed me some medication and sent me off for Cognitive Therapy Sessions. The meds helped with the anxiety levels and also the therapy sessions but I remember thinking it doesn't help me not enjoy change or give me words so I can have conversations with people.
I'm the type of person who will fight over flight even though I can often feel extreme anxiety or nervousness it' just me I'm a determined person.
Anyway the point of my story is stay strong you are not alone I hope you feel better.