Black dog

I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now. 

I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave.  I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing.  I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.

Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep.  It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off.  So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety.  So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all. 

I like my job.  But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone.  I won't go into the details.  It doesn't matter now.  Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair.  But good people often get treated unfairly.  So, now I dread going back.  I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them.  And maybe I'll be next.

All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless.  I just want to sleep again to make it go away.

A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety.  But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it. 

But it's awful feeling like this.  Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.

Parents
  • Hello folks,

    I'm so sorry.  I had no intention to worry anyone unnecessarily.  I don't even remember writing that last post.  I was in such an awful spiral of depression that I disengaged.  I didn't think I could say anything useful to anyone on here and I didn't want to keep going on about how I was feeling.  The problem was made much worse by the fact that I was drinking too much.  I managed to stop that.  I was dreading returning to work - but that's actually been helpful.  Once I was back with the service users, I was back in their world - which lifted me out of mine (though, in many ways, they're the same).  I feel better now.  But it was the most horrible time.  All those anniversaries, one on top of the other.  I truly underestimated the effect it would all have.  Like a tsunami.  Like the whole of life catching up all over again.

    I want to continue to give things a rest here for a while.  I'm sorry again for raising concerns.  I only realised when I saw this thread again earlier.  I'll be around again when I'm ready.

    Take care all - and thank you for your patience and friendship.

    Tom

Reply
  • Hello folks,

    I'm so sorry.  I had no intention to worry anyone unnecessarily.  I don't even remember writing that last post.  I was in such an awful spiral of depression that I disengaged.  I didn't think I could say anything useful to anyone on here and I didn't want to keep going on about how I was feeling.  The problem was made much worse by the fact that I was drinking too much.  I managed to stop that.  I was dreading returning to work - but that's actually been helpful.  Once I was back with the service users, I was back in their world - which lifted me out of mine (though, in many ways, they're the same).  I feel better now.  But it was the most horrible time.  All those anniversaries, one on top of the other.  I truly underestimated the effect it would all have.  Like a tsunami.  Like the whole of life catching up all over again.

    I want to continue to give things a rest here for a while.  I'm sorry again for raising concerns.  I only realised when I saw this thread again earlier.  I'll be around again when I'm ready.

    Take care all - and thank you for your patience and friendship.

    Tom

Children
  • I want to continue to give things a rest here for a while.
    I'll be around again when I'm ready.

    Good Fortune to you from myself, Mr. Martain Tom, and also to Daisy the Cat, of course. I have not contributed to this Thread until now, yet I quote what you say there Sir, in total support of it. Please look after yourself as you feel, since, no-one knows how you feel better than yourself. No matter how long that takes. (Also, Within your own Thread(s), do not worry about being "useful" to others too much, either. Options turning into obligation should not turn into a damaging thing, I think.)

  • I'm so sorry.  I had no intention to worry anyone unnecessarily.

    Don't sweat it, Tom. No need to apologise. We all go through tough times.

    Take as much time as you need away. It's just good to know nothing untoward has happened. 

    Stay safe, see you around mate. 

  • Thanks for letting us know Tom! A friend of mine, part of our art and theatre group, once went to a deep depression and the consequences were not good. That's why I got concerned. The main thing is that we know you are sorting things

  • Best wishes Tom. 

    As always, look after yourself, and try to spend more time with cats rather than dogs.