Black dog

I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now. 

I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave.  I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing.  I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.

Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep.  It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off.  So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety.  So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all. 

I like my job.  But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone.  I won't go into the details.  It doesn't matter now.  Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair.  But good people often get treated unfairly.  So, now I dread going back.  I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them.  And maybe I'll be next.

All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless.  I just want to sleep again to make it go away.

A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety.  But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it. 

But it's awful feeling like this.  Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.