Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
Well... tomorrow, we have a staff meeting to discuss - with the senior manager present who did the sacking - 'our way forwards.' The general mood is supportive of the ex-manager. The problem is, the stand-in manager (who is one of the rare ones who's pleased the manager has been fired) has a clique of friends there - and although they feel the same as I do, they'll support her to protect their own positions. There's probably 3 of us who will speak out. I've actually written a personal letter, which I'm going to hand to the senior manager after the meeting - depending on how it goes. In it, I express my sadness at losing such a good manager. I also express my disappointment and anger at the fact that we've been told a version of what happened - that she left of her own accord - which doesn't actually tally with the truth.
I'm sticking my neck on the line, but there's little they can really do... except make my life uncomfortable. Well, if they do, they do. I know there are enough staff there who'll still support me.
I can't let this lie. I'm not prepared to be lied to by senior managers and see a good person suffer at her most vulnerable, following the loss of her mother. The woman is in grief, and they've used that as the reason she's left - or, as the truth is, the reason to sack her because she wouldn't follow their line.
Sometimes, principles are too important. A test of character is if you're prepared to back up those principles with action. And, as Susan B Anthony said...
Well, all you can do for the record Tom is express your views and perhaps in time the your protests will be seen to have been correct. At least you'll have a clear conscience. What others want to do is their affair.
I admire your courage to make a decision. I hope the result is good. Best of luck Tom.