Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
Hi Tom.
I just wanted to acknowledge your post so you know that I hear you. I have no words of wisdom for you as you know I'm no good at that. Know that we are here and support you. Well done for choosing not to touch the drink. Sleep if it will help. Song.
Thanks, Song. I slept again this afternoon (10 hours last night) and awoke feeling awful. I can't bring myself to concentrate on anything at all.
I'm seriously starting to wonder if there's an element of psychosis creeping in. I just dread going out. This feeling of impending doom is overwhelming. The anxiety is horrible.
It's like I thought I knew the people at work. And now it's as if I didn't know them at all. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel, being back amongst them tomorrow.
Well done for going in, you are a better person than me
Hi Tom,
I recently went through the same "phase". Is there anything specific in your life that is bothering you? work? home? people?
For me it was my flat and landlord and with it it became a domino effect and made everything feel horrible. Which made my anxiety sky high. I hadn't been that low in a very very long time.
It was hard to get out of it but I tried to find what it was that was bothering me and change it as much as I could and then I talked to people. I found my depression and anxiety worked like a balloon. It keeps inflating the more I don't deal with it and it made it much worse. As soon as I started talking to people it started to deflate and it got easier for me to make changes that I needed.
I also told some of my closest work colleagues including my boss because I wanted them to know about it incase they noticed my work performance decreasing. Just so they were informed and could deal with it in the best way. That might be hard to do though. Does your work have some sort of mental health person you could talk to as well? Or any mental health benefits at work you could take use of?
I don't know if this helps at all but I hope your first day back wasn't too bad and that things might be better than you initially anticipated. x
I did. The mood is pretty sombre. I don't want to stay there any longer than I can help. This overwhelming sense of darkness won't lift. It shows itself in other ways, too. Aches and pains.
I put on my 'work' face for the service users, but even that feels exhausting.
Hi Tom. Did you get to work today?
Can you let us know how you got on?
Song