Published on 12, July, 2020
I have no idea if this qualifies as a discussion topic but I just wanted to say that I'm so happy that I found this forum a few weeks ago. It's making me feel much less alone and let me realise that other people are going through so much of the same stuff that I am. Thank you NAS and everyone here.
I'm glad I found this. I have had some excellent conversations not just about the A- word but about new ideas for good films to watch, ideas for showing and making art and taking good photos. Meeting others of my generation who have had similar experiences in life. That's all a great bonus.
Sometimes I wonder if constantly raking up my troubled childhood isn't some kind of self-betrayal, but perhaps that was because whilst on the one hand I had heaps of high expectations placed on me, there was also a massive lack of faith too. It does not really matter if I did end up with a diagnosis or not, as I know I am not significantly disabled now. That wasn't the case after living through two major recessions in the UK.
Why not express yourself! I had also high expectations and fears for the worst. I don't know which has stuck with me most either.
One thing that stuck with me was being accused of killing a rabbit at school. I told the teacher that the rabbit was better off dead because it was in a cage a little bigger than a shoebox lying in it's own **** and ****. It couldn't even turn around. I pointed it all out and the teacher said not to challenge her. I said I had to because the rabbit couldn't. I also called her a cruel ****. I got suspended and the rabbit turned up dead whilst I was suspended. Someone stabbed it with a pencil. They pulled me into the office and asked me if I did it. Even the other kids said that they were sure I hadn't done it. I said when was it found dead, they told me the day and it was 5 days after I was suspended and a week after I'd been in that classroom. I said "So you didn't check the rabbit for a week after I'd left the room, and I'm the one in the office. She is a cruel ****". That was the day I was sent to a psychologist by the school.
I don't know why it gets to me so much, the fact that the rabbit was rotting alive literally or the fact that because I was "the crazy boy" that they tried to pin it on me. My mom and dad were supportive but I had to walk around school with all the kids knowing I had to see the educational psychologist. I still think of going into that class for lessons and hearing the rabbit scratching on that box.
Sorry to vent but that was the day that my "strangeness" was first used against me growing up. Lol, I've never vented about it before. This seems like a good place to do it now!