Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I had a discussion the other day with my husband about planning and it made me wonder about my planning habits. I'm curious to know if other female autists feel the same...
I write down in my agenda the appointments I really need to go to and on a precise time. All my other stuff stays in my head or on a list if it gets too long and I'm kind of planning all day. I do the stuff that does not need to be done on a specific day or time, whenever I have the time and energy. My husband made me realise that this is part of what gives me stress, as the list never ends - even tends to get longer and longer ... He told me I should plan these activities also, but then I have the problem that I can never estimate how long these activities will take - I get it very wrong most of the time! So that is one reason why I don't really plan.
The other reason is because when you have nicely planned your day or your week, it never turns out that way. There are always unexpected situations that mess up my planning and this upsets me too much.
They say autists "have difficulties" planning, but maybe we/I don't WANT to plan, because of the interference that upsets us if we plan too strictly. What do you think?
I can understand why having to estimate lengths of tasks (and sometimes getting it wrong) would be stressful to you. Like you, I find it very hard to cope with changes to any plans I do make. I think this is more stressful (certainly to me) than having a long list. To me a list is just a way of getting the task out of my head to somewhere I can look at it if I need to and forget about it if I don't. I tend to do things when I feel able rather than push myself into them when I'm not ready. When I push myself it exhausts me physically and emotionally so I'm less able to do anything at all - even the essentials. I hope you can find solutions that give you the least stress. Husband doing some of the tasks on your list springs to mind.
This totally makes sense!
Regarding my husband: he already does so much for me (since I got diagnosed) and he has a very busy job. Actually, he is the only one person in the whole world who understands my struggles and tries to make things easier for me. The few people I told about my autism never mention it again and do not try to behave in a way that would be helpful for me. I'm quite disappointed in them (family, friends, ...).
I know I should try and open up myself, but I don't like too much attention and I already feel uncomfortable when I think of how uncomfortable they surely would feel if I opened up. It is hard for me to understand that people are not interested enough to research the subject when they have a friend, sister, colleague, ... with autism. But then again, they all have their own problems and stuff going on ... I should be more understanding of that maybe?
L'enfer c'est les autres ...
It sounds as though your husband is really supportive. Family and friends probably just don't know what to do or how to treat you and perhaps are afraid of bringing up the subject themselves. I'm wondering if they might be more supportive if they knew what you needed - whether you bringing up the subject, your husband being primed to tell them what they need to do, writing a letter to key people, or simply posting a general 'how to deal with autistic loved ones' piece on social media. I don't know your loved ones, obviously, but I've seen with grief over a death that people don't klnow what to do to help the bereaved person and so end up doing nothing at all.