Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I wanted to run something by you as I couldn't find enough info about it and wondered if its just me or...
I struggle as I guess many of us do with social interactions, over the years I have learnt to look at least near someones face when I talk to them and have learnt appropriate responses in conversation that reflect a little of my personality. So I get by although it feels a little like its more just an act and not really me (not anything like how I would be when I picture a conversation in my head)
Where I really come unstuck is what I have been told is called 'processing time', in that if something someone has said is new to me or a surprise, I don't get to give the response I would have liked to when I reflect on the conversation later. Or perhaps a better example would be when I was out with a friend, we were chatting and the tone had changed, I knew something was different and so I wasn't sure how to respond so I stayed quiet, they then apologised for snapping at me some minutes later I said it was fine but it left a weird tension for a while after.
So it takes me actually reflecting when I am on my own after the fact to fully take in what has been said to me, I feel like I miss lots of opportunities and often misrepresent myself, I will often end up feeling quite upset if I don't stop myself replaying the scene and thinking about how I might have made the other person feel.
Does anyone else experience life quite like this? I feel like if I could re-do each day I would be prepared and I could be myself, as it is it just feels like everything ends up a wasted opportunity and I just play out a rehearsed version of myself.
It’s definitely not just you - I regularly find myself replaying social encounters in my head and cringing to myself about how I acted and what I said at the time. I invariably would have dealt with things differently in hindsight, and I find that quite frustrating, but I just can’t seem to respond as I would like on the spur of the moment.
With people who know me well and understand enough about my Asperger’s, I will often shoot them an email later in the day just to clarify or add certain things, after I have had time to think over our conversations more. Even my solicitors are quite accustomed to this, as I invariably forget to mention certain things at the times of our meetings, or I don’t convey my thoughts in the most logical manner if an unexpected topic is raised. That helps me to feel a bit better, as at least I get across what I wanted to in some way, even if I didn’t manage it at the time.
I would say this is why I prefer written communications in general, because you can sit and think about what you are writing and reword it as many times as you like until it is satisfactory, before making anyone else aware of it!
Thank you! That helps to know its not unique to me. Your response really resonated with me since its not uncommon for me to 'follow up' on an in person conversation by emailing my thoughts once I've taken time to think things through.
Thank goodness for emails.
I always forget to ask that and then realise when it's too late that i must have seemed rude.
I wish my employer would have considered phones and how negatively even thinking about them affects me.
The employer pushed me to use phones. I became sick for two weeks. Then after an assessment they agreed that I do not have to use phones.
That was so horrible experience. The hell.
I know that I can do much better if I could be supported and helped.
I wish I had so understanding manager.
Me too. My mobile is turned off 90% of the time (it is used in desperation only) and I don’t have a phone at my desk at work. I loved my manager so much when she told me I didn’t have to have a phone if I didn’t want to!
I absolutely hate and fear phones.
I forget the ‘How are you?’ bits too, especially when speaking over the phone!
Count me in as I also find I have not fully taken in and processed a conversation correctly.
Sadly I usually think I am unkind as maybe I should have asked how someone is or how are you?
I focus on the moment and skip the chatter bit, social interaction eh,,,,,,never easy, very exhausting at times.
x()x