Processing time / Anxiety and social encounters

Hi all, I wanted to run something by you as I couldn't find enough info about it and wondered if its just me or...

I struggle as I guess many of us do with social interactions, over the years I have learnt to look at least near someones face when I talk to them and have learnt appropriate responses in conversation that reflect a little of my personality. So I get by although it feels a little like its more just an act and not really me (not anything like how I would be when I picture a conversation in my head)

Where I really come unstuck is what I have been told is called 'processing time', in that if something someone has said is new to me or a surprise, I don't get to give the response I would have liked to when I reflect on the conversation later.  Or perhaps a better example would be when I was out with a friend, we were chatting and the tone had changed, I knew something was different and so I wasn't sure how to respond so I stayed quiet, they then apologised for snapping at me some minutes later I said it was fine but it left a weird tension for a while after.

So it takes me actually reflecting when I am on my own after the fact to fully take in what has been said to me, I feel like I miss lots of opportunities and often misrepresent myself, I will often end up feeling quite upset if I don't stop myself replaying the scene and thinking about how I might have made the other person feel.

Does anyone else experience life quite like this?  I feel like if I could re-do each day I would be prepared and I could be myself, as it is it just feels like everything ends up a wasted opportunity and I just play out a rehearsed version of myself.

  • I'm so glad I've come upon this thread, I missed it at the time as I was offline for most of the week but I can identify with everyone's experiences re. needing more processing time than social encounters naturally allow.

    It's the thing, for me, that makes social interactions so exhausting and group interactions impossible at times. I've lost count of the times I've replayed conversations to death either trying to work out where it all went wrong or berating myself for what I would have said if I'd had the time to properly process things in the moment.

    Unexpected phone conversations are the worst! I've been told that I'm too blunt / rude when I'm the one making phone calls as I get straight to the point after saying "Hello" - but why wouldn't you? My partner asks workmen on the phone "How's things today?" and I could never do that because I wouldn't   A) Care  and   B) Know what to say if they told me.   

  • This is very true for me too.

    If I am asked something I am not expecting or prepared for my brain seems to crash and I struggle to respond in a way that I would like. I ultimately, end up coming across like I am not interested or I will end up saying something that makes no sense. It is only after the fact that I am able to process the conversation and make up a sensible reply, by which time it is too late.

  • I always forget to ask that and then realise when it's too late that i must have seemed rude.

  • I find social situations exhausting if I was me I wouldn’t be there but I’m there because of my wife etc. So quite often I stumble on chit chat and all off this “how are you” stuff. I know that I should say “I’m fine. Thank you.” And ask back... but I find this bit very difficult. I’m getting very tense because all the time I have to pretend that I’m fine and as I’m not good at acting and I’m tired of it people see that something is wrong and try to cheer me up ... then I say things which come across a bit odd. Sometimes I share something too personal or I go into quite awkward monologue and don’t know when and how too finish it. Quite often feel after that again I came across as not fitting in not following what the social occasion was about or angry or miserable.

    I experience exactly the same things and I am in the same situation.

  • I can relate to this, and often wish I had behaved differently when I look back on my day. I struggle with understanding when someone really means what they just said, or whether it was just conversational "padding". For instance, if someone says "How are you?", I used to tell them the truth, whether it was good or bad. But I've seen how sometimes their eyes sort of glaze over. Nowadays I just say "fine, thank you", even if I'm not, because it's much simpler. But I might be missing times when they actually wanted to know.

    I think one of my more embarrassing errors was when a woman I'd been on a study course with said, "Feel free to drop round sometime", and I travelled 15 miles to see her, and on my second visit her daughter met me at the door and told me in effect to clear off. She hadn't meant it. But how can you tell, when the words are the same either way?

  • I feel exactly the same, I find usually if I am feeling good (not tired, unwell, etc) I can process social interaction at the beginning at a good pace, but if it goes on too long without breaks, or if I do not know the person, the amount of information coming in is just so much I start to get a sort of backlog of information that I'm storing somehow for processing later. It's sort of like a traffic jam of information I think, and as you said so really well I think, once I have the time to sift through it all later, I realise all sorts of things that are often extremely frustrating or upsetting to realise, like I did not recognise at the time that maybe the person with me was needing a hug or wanted me to comfort them. How debilitating it can be to realise the other person possibly took my not responding due to not having processed the information for my not wanting to or my having no emotions! I feel such a huge amount of emotion and compassion for others that this can really ring me out sometimes, I feel totally crushed by the pain and regret it can bring on.

    I am trying to realise this is not a deficit in me, it is a difference in processing. I am not unkind, or bad, or useless even if others think this of me, their interpretation is the complete opposite from the truth. I think if you are very  kind or very compassionate it is also very hard not to feel a lot of pain on behalf of other people, and it is very difficult not to turn this onto yourself (I am speaking about myself) and feel shame or guilt or feel 'odd' or like you've done something 'wrong'. I am trying to learn it is neither me nor other people who are wrong or odd, I am just so different from people without autism that it is very hard to bridge that gap. I loved the article written by Damien Milton about double empathy and it was really helpful for me clarifying or at least helping me remember this. If anyone else wanted to read it, it is here http://network.autism.org.uk/comment/3665#comment-3665

  • just an act and not really me

    I find social situations exhausting if I was me I wouldn’t be there but I’m there because of my wife etc. So quite often I stumble on chit chat and all off this “how are you” stuff. I know that I should say “I’m fine. Thank you.” And ask back... but I find this bit very difficult. I’m getting very tense because all the time I have to pretend that I’m fine and as I’m not good at acting and I’m tired of it people see that something is wrong and try to cheer me up ... then I say things which come across a bit odd. Sometimes I share something too personal or I go into quite awkward monologue and don’t know when and how too finish it. Quite often feel after that again I came across as not fitting in not following what the social occasion was about or angry or miserable. 

  • I wish my employer would have considered phones and how negatively even thinking about them affects me.

    The employer pushed me to use phones. I became sick for two weeks. Then after an assessment they agreed that I do not have to use phones.

    That was so horrible experience. The hell.

    I know that I can do much better if I could be supported and helped.

    I wish I had so understanding manager.

  • Me too. My mobile is turned off 90% of the time (it is used in desperation only) and I don’t have a phone at my desk at work. I loved my manager so much when she told me I didn’t have to have a phone if I didn’t want to!

  • I absolutely hate and fear phones.

  • I also prefer written communication everywhere.

  • I forget the ‘How are you?’ bits too, especially when speaking over the phone! Face palm tone2

  • Count me in as I also find I have not fully taken in and processed a conversation correctly.

     Sadly I usually think I am unkind as maybe I should have asked  how someone is or how are you?

     I focus on the moment and skip the chatter bit, social interaction eh,,,,,,never easy, very exhausting at times.

    x()x

  • Thank goodness for emails.Slight smile

  • Thank you!  That helps to know its not unique to me.  Your response really resonated with me since its not uncommon for me to 'follow up' on an in person conversation by emailing my thoughts once I've taken time to think things through.

  • It’s definitely not just you - I regularly find myself replaying social encounters in my head and cringing to myself about how I acted and what I said at the time. I invariably would have dealt with things differently in hindsight, and I find that quite frustrating, but I just can’t seem to respond as I would like on the spur of the moment.

    With people who know me well and understand enough about my Asperger’s, I will often shoot them an email later in the day just to clarify or add certain things, after I have had time to think over our conversations more. Even my solicitors are quite accustomed to this, as I invariably forget to mention certain things at the times of our meetings, or I don’t convey my thoughts in the most logical manner if an unexpected topic is raised. That helps me to feel a bit better, as at least I get across what I wanted to in some way, even if I didn’t manage it at the time.

    I would say this is why I prefer written communications in general, because you can sit and think about what you are writing and reword it as many times as you like until it is satisfactory, before making anyone else aware of it!