Published on 12, July, 2020
Do any of you feel that being autistic is like being on a permanent trip? Never taken drugs, never will, but when I was reading about LSD , I thought that the descriptions were very similar to my daily experience of reality, or close enough to it to be comprehensible. But it's exhausting being so intense. In my philosophy book it mentioned ''cerebral hedonism'' - yep, that's what I experience daily.
I wouldn't say it was anything like an LSD trip for me, although I suppose I have a heightened awareness of things around me. It's funny, but I was just thinking about my early childhood - long before school - and I have some very vivid memories. Even of being in my pram and my cot. It's like all this information was constantly pouring in and exploding in my head. Even now, years later, I still notice things that others don't. Patterns in things. Wherever I am, I look for patterns and symmetries, and I count numbers of things - like the number of squares of carpet tiling, or the vent cut-outs on radiators.
Cerebral hedonism? That's an odd term. I think I can understand what it means, though. I also make connections with disparate things to write poetry, and I'm good with figurative language generally. I have always been told I have a very vivid imagination. My problem is that I tend to get stuck in modes of thinking that I find it hard to shake off. So there's a flexibility and a rigidity that are in constant battle with one another. I get bored very easily, too, and find it hard to focus on something I'm not interested in - whereas something I am interested in can absorb me to the point where everything else fades out, and I lose track of time.