Published on 12, July, 2020
Hmm, i always struggle to find a starting point to write or start out and always goes off to another point during a topic so bare with me please.
I'm 20 years old, call me Wei. Asian, male and lived in the UK for 9 years now.
Currently I have no friends or anyone that I am able to be called as a friend, i'm currently living in a flat and i have 4 flat mates because home is too far away from the current University i'm in. I have dropped out of 2 University before my current one, first was due to lacks of attendance and studying a day or two before exam so its natural that I failed, it was accountancy and finance.
My second University is Open University, I thought i can study at home and that would be great! No, I wasn't able to bring myself to work and never went on any online lectures, i think the reason preventing me was the fear to having to talk to others people online. The course was Computer Science and i stayed home whole year, don't believe i have seen people other than my families, probably 3-5 parent's friend or some strangers I see when i need haircuts but other than that i don't go shopping either.
Throughout these 2 years (starts right after my college ended), I didn't make a single friend and i don't think i have even spoken more than a thousand sentences. These situation are repeating again, I am half way through current University studying Games Technology. i am so behind because I am skipping lectures again, don't have any friends to catch up on work, lecturers are hard to communicate to because there are so many students and i don't feel like i have the right to ask for helps when i am skipping their classes. I think i skips classes because I have fear of facing people and working in an environment with lots of people.
I don't even know the names of my flatmates, i see them and say hello but that is it, i sit in my room most of the day and on my computer, I go to a lecture once per week, that also when i go out of the flat and also when i need to restock on food. With the lack of communication with my flatmates (i didn't join their facebook/group chat) so i wasn't assigned any cleaning work although i try to cover some, there are 2 fridges and a kitchen we share, there wasn't a specific slot in the fridge that is for me so i had to put my stuff separately and it kind of aggravate me but i'm in no position to complain.
I don't exactly understands why I don't get on with work that i know i can do. Works are there, i understood the work, whether i can learn or produce the work is a different topic but I don't even attempt them so it won't matter. I went to watch anime instead (yes, i'm one of the weeb, as our society would calls) or go bed with my eyes wide open but doesn't want to get out, or play video games. There are times when i can't understand a work, then i would search online, i never ask for anyone to help as i'm afraid of asking for helps, don't exactly know why but i just avoid doing so, when internet doesn't help i just gets really annoyed, frustrated why i can't understand this or that but i always move on and skip the work and hope it'll make sense later.
I avoid voice communicate on any online games because I simply find it hard to communicate with someone as i can't find topics for it and don't want to be judge so being judged as being "shy" was easier or maybe i am shy, don't exactly know the difference between a shy person and an closed up person. I have "friends" online i guess but they don't know my situation and i lie about few things about my life to them, for example, I would say i am doing fine in health and study but tell them truth about who i am most of the time (there was time i tried to impersonate someone entirely not me but felt guilty and stopped so trying to be true from now on). This goes for my families too, my parents doesn't know my situation, at least i never talked to them or rarely even hold any conversation, they know that im 'shy' though because i avoid interaction with people. To clear this out, i don't exactly hate people although i do think a lot of them are putting up facade but that is a necessity for life in my opinion, but i do really want someone to be with, i feel very lonely. I love my parents because they always encourage their kids to do well in life and point out factors which i failed to follow and i feel very bad for my parent of having me as one of their kids. I have a sister and 2 brothers by the way and they do very fine in society (we grew up separately so its normal that we're quite different).
I put up a fake personality to my families and relative, i would say friends too but don't really have any so the "society" too i guess. I am bit feminine, I like cute stuff, likes to think how a women would thinks, i am very easy to smile and laugh to normal stuff that isn't an long attempted joke as i normally failed to understand them, for example someone being clumsy or making obvious pun or when i do stupid stuff (these all mostly from online obviously) i would burst out or non stop laughing, i would also get emotional and tears up on a heart moving movies or anime. These trait aren't exactly saying what a women is but i don't think it felt very manly so i suspect i'm feminine and i'm happy with it but only to myself as it would seem weird to society, i have to constantly convince myself of not a gay person as i do love girl and i know i am straight but i need to know and convince myself as i do not want to be any more out of place in the public's eyes as i am now.
I kind of understood what i need to do, i mean its very obvious i am being a lazy ass, i need to push myself and do works, i understood that. This is also why i never asked for a diagnose but i applied to this site for advice on getting diagnose today when i found this site and seeing many people also suffer some similar situation so i thought i would share mine.and gets some advice. I believe the professors would simply just tell me the same thing I would tell myself, so i thought it would be pointless to attempt them, i would only get the same advice that i don't follow for no reason. I understood that i should go to lecture, ignore people and get on with work, lecturer would at least explain somethings i might need to know although with the lacks of communication i have with people, when people speaks too fast i can't understand them especially those with accent (sorry for those with accent but I couldn't help it) and when i speaks i have an accent and i don't have many speaking experience so my pronunciation sucks and people also fail to understand me and i have to repeat, i feel very embarrassed by it.
I also understood that I should stick to a schedule and work accordingly to it, i need to catch up on works that i turned a blind eye to, I need to put some courage up and start talking to people, I need to make friends as they helps, if i want to be in a relationship with a girl then i need to go out, if i want to fit into the society then go the party, bars, clubs. I know all these but i never follows it, i feel extremely pathetic and useless but i believed that i would not kill myself even if i have the courage to as it would bring more grief than just being a failure right now, i am still young and future is not set in stone yet even if i couldn't get any better at the moment.
I not a smart nor too stupid or so i believed, i was able to enter a highly qualified University that i butchered my course in. I was quite of an typical Asian back in my own country, acing all the test and exams and even here at primary and high school i was doing quite well, i had friends back then and i was quite an extrovert but my situation deteriorate quite rapidly as i enter college and then University. I did realise i was heading into this situation as time progressing during the transition between my primary school and high school but i put a blind eye to it not sure what i can do.
I am pretty ignorant to the world, what is going on, what is happening, what i should be doing. Latest music? movie? stars? incident? politic issues? no i don't know any of it. I'm just going to be very negative at this point so i'll stop.
Any advice is welcome but since this forum is quite anonymous i don't know how much i will take and relate to the advice replied to me, and highly that i would not follow any as i don't even follow my own. Sorry in advance and thanks for reading this long essay.
Hi Wei, it's a lot to read, think I'll have missed some things (sorry, not good, but it's an hour later here), but just wanted to say that you really don't need to become another person, you sound really nice the way you are. You need to change things if you want to finish your degree, no question, but you can stay the same guy you are, like cute things, be emotional, not like going to clubs and parties... I've got a friend (also Chinese, not called Wei) who is exactly like that and he's an incredibly nice guy. Actually I would say most male Chinese students I know (a fair few) are a bit that way compared to Europeans, perhaps that's changed now because the ones I know came to UK after their first degree. Don't try to become someone you are not, it's not going to make you any happier.
And no, you are certainly not alone, I have heard quite a lot of people talking about a housemate like you. The problem is, they would often quite like to help - by inviting to a party and the like... It's not their fault, they just can't really imagine that this is totally not someone's cup of tea. There may even be someone with similar problems in your course, it's the kind of course that may attract students with ASD. Not easy to find them though, if you both don't go to lectures very often.
Do you think there is a lecturer who seems to be a bit of a mum/dad? Someone you can be honest to about your issues and who would perhaps be able to motivate you a bit to go to lectures? Guess it depends a bit on the size of your uni, staff at bigger unis often don't have the time for something like that, but at smaller unis it's all a bit more personal and if you are the one asking for help rather than waiting for trouble you may have a fair chance that they do take the time to understand and help you.
Thanks for the reply!
Yes i'd like to keep my personality while improving my situation and accept the changes that are needed. Yeah i can understand that my flatmates isn't at fault at all, they did try to invite me at first but they realised to avoid me as they probably realise i tend to escape or go away when i see them.
I have 4 modules at the moment, i skipped 2 of the modules entirely because the lecturers are like "your life, your problem" and "you didn't attend my lecture did you?" when i asked a question, it hits me harder than they think although i do know they need to be more criticise at their students because we're going to be working for someone else in the future so i don't blame them too much.
The other two module lectures, i attend one of them almost every time although i just sat in corner silent, its once per week for 3 hours, and it has group project, i am up to date on that module and the group i have is randomly put into and i just cope with it as they cope with me (i only see them once per week anyways). The last module is what i am trying to work on catching up right now while ignoring the other 2 module that i don't attend, and i talked a little to the lecturer on this module (it was very vague mostly me keeping quiet and he doesn't know what to do either), he seems caring but he did say its not his profession to help me and didn't give me further advice than get some work done and other modules too.
I am thinking of contacting one of the two module lecturer that i skipped on by email to see if they'll be more helpful knowing i'm far behind, because i need to pass all these 4 module if i want to continue here, i like this course more than the other 2 i had before but the chance is just very slim right now unless i work on rapid speed with helps from lecturers.