I recently started studying counselling in an attempt to try and be a better person, someone who makes other people feel good and correct whatever it is about me that seems to make me so... I don’t know... undesirable as a companion.
As part of the process you are supposed to contemplate the events in your life that have made you the way you are and in spite of the traumas I’ve experienced I kept coming back to the realisation that I was always like that.
I used to embrace being alienated from everyone and was a bit of a ruthless know it all and now as an adult, a wife and a mother I’m different. I’m always trying my best to be welcoming, sociable and supportive but people still treat me the same. I somehow always get people’s backs up.
I recently heard a women on the radio talking about having autism and I was surprised how “normal” she sounded and the symptoms of her autism didn’t seem odd to me at all.
I’ve done online tests which all come back as having some degree of autism. My husband thought it was ridiculous for me to think I was autistic (me too actually!) but when I read out a list of traits of high functioning autism even he had to admit out of about 25 I clearly had 23 of them. The severe aspects of my personality that he doesn’t understand.
I have booked myself in to see the GP but I’m feeling silly. I’m worried they’ll think I’m just looking for an excuse for not being a nice person. I’m scared they’ll refuse to assess me. I’m also a bit scared of not being autistic after having made a fuss.
I guess I’m hoping that someone else felt the same when faced with the prospect of finding out if they were autistic? What did the GP say?
I went through this last year. When I went to the GP, I was very direct about it. I described a situation that had happened at work and that was very distressing, and then I said I'm sure I'm on the spectrum and I want to be assessed. It might have helped that the GP was quite young (and obviously relatively newly trained and qualified). I mentioned the online tests I had done and the descriptions that match my life completely. The GP had no problem referring me, and that was in late July last year. By early September, after three assessment sessions, I had my diagnosis.
Lots of people on the spectrum seem "normal" because they are. They are normal, ordinary people who happen to be on the autism spectrum. There is no shame in it, and to be honest, even with all the nonsense I have had to take from other people, I'm still glad to be on the spectrum. It is a part of me, and I can't imagine who I'd be if I were not on the spectrum, but I know I wouldn't be me.
From your post, I can identify most with "getting people's backs up". I seem to have a knack for offending people without meaning to, and nobody seems to be willing to give me the benefit of the doubt or a second chance.
Good luck with your journey.