My names is Janusz and I’m in the process of self diagnosis.
I’m also recovering addict and now I’m sober for 7 months. I feel that addiction was my coping mechanism for various issues so now I’m sober I find life very difficult. I’m not saying that I’m not happy with that I’m sober but it all came back at me.
When I share my challenges I’m accused by people close to me that I’m preparing another relaps.
So I don’t like sharing anything
Does anybody here got some experience in relation to my situation?
I genuily feel lonely.
Sobriety is overrated, I drink every day and I'm glad I do, it works for me. If it weren't for my daily dose of alcohol I would have killed myself years ago.
God bless the booze I say.
That very much depends on how much you drink every day, Madworld. There's drinking... and then there's drinking, if you know what I mean.
Someone of my acquaintance has now been sober for many years. He's younger than I am, but looks much older. He's often spoken to me about his drinking days. Years of them, from his late teens. It reached the stage where he couldn't manage at all without drink in his system - and naturally, his system had adapted and adapted to his intake, so that he needed more and more. At the end, he was drinking two bottles of vodka and two 4-packs of strong lager a day. And he had to start first thing in the morning because he was shaking so badly. It had a serious effect on his health, and he came close to liver failure in his 40s. That was when he stopped. He still, after years without a drop, suffers ill-effects of his drinking.
I'm not anywhere close to that level of consumption, but I'm well aware that my drinking has increased very rapidly over the last four or five years. It used to be that I could drink a bottle of wine in an evening and worry that I'd overdone it a bit. Now, I can easily drink three bottles of wine in a day, then go out for more in the evening. At Christmas, I drank three bottles of scotch over a four-day period. I felt fine. But that's quite a serious development, as far as I'm concerned. My test is to go without drink for a few days and see how I feel. Not so many years ago, it wouldn't bother me at all. Now... I find myself, on those sober days, thinking more and more about having a drink.
I say - if you like a drink, and enjoy drinking, go ahead. Why not? Plenty of people drink heavily for years without many ill-effects. But if you know you have a problem with it (as I do), and you know where it's likely to lead... well, it's a different matter. I used to say 'I've never done this on booze, I've never done that on booze', and all my wise-ass recovering alcoholic friends would say to me... 'Ah, well... give it time.' And they were right. In the last dozen years, my drinking has gotten me arrested, cost me a marriage and another relationship, and lost me a home. So - for me, anyway - sobriety isn't over-rated. It's something I aspire to. Something I want. At the same time, though, I'm in denial. And I still want that drink. I know it's only a matter of time for me. Something will have to break in the end.
My dear father was a wonderful man. Warm, bright, witty, generous, kind-hearted. But he had a demon. Alcohol. And it killed him in the end. It's a demon I have, too. I hope I can stop before it kills me. But sure... there's a side of me that says the same as you do. It's my Jekyll and Hyde thing. I prefer being Doctor Jekyll, because it brings out the best in me. But Mr Hyde has that seductive charm. Always. I can be a really nice, funny drunk. But I can also be a very nasty drunk. And I can be a suicidal drunk. It all depends on my mood when I start off. It's a scary thing.
I don’t think it’s the alcohol that’s the demon Tom, like money, it’s neutral, in fact, you could place some money, hundreds of it with several big bottles of whisky or whatever, on the side and none of it would actually even move for a hundred years or more if no one ever touched it or moved it. It’s hardly a demon if it can’t even move? A little spider is more demonic that a bottle of whisky. At least the spider can move.
I agree, and I know what you mean. The demon is in me. The booze brings it out.
That makes the booze a good thing then doesn’t it or do you like the demon to stay inside of you? It was good for me, it brought all sorts of s**t out of me, I’m not sure if they were demons though cos I’m not too sure what demons are but I know the alcohol brought loads of things out of me that never came out when I didn’t drink, so even though I hated the taste of it and hated being drunk, I loved that it brought these things out of me. Maybe the things it brought out of me weren’t demons because I wanted my things out, you seem to want to keep the demon so I guess I misunderstood, a demon is a good thing and alcohol is bad because it gets rid of it.
BlueRay said:That makes the booze a good thing then doesn’t it or do you like the demon to stay inside of you?
As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't make it a good thing - no. Because there are far better ways for me to achieve that catharsis. Writing is one such way. I was entirely sober throughout the time that I wrote my first novel, and it was an amazing feeling to get all of that stuff out of my system and onto paper. Better than any drug.
It's a double-edged thing. Yes, I admit that, when I'm drunk and that demon comes out, it is a wonderful feeling. I'll say what I think, abuse people who I think deserve it, etc. At the same time - I don't like that demon. Yes, it's a part of who I am. But it's a part that's always gotten me into a lot of trouble. I've only smashed things when I've been drunk. I've only been arrested when I've been drunk. I've only made serious suicide attempts when I've been drunk, too. The last one, three years ago, was one of the worst. I drank a couple of bottles of wine in an afternoon. I was feeling okay, watching a film. But then I went into black out. The next thing I know, I was staggering around in the street. An ambulance picked me up and took me to hospital, where I was Sectioned. It turned out I'd overdosed on anti-depressants, too. I don't even remember taking them. I awoke in hospital that night and I couldn't feel my legs. Every time I closed my eyes, I was seeing weird patterns... shapes coalescing from a black fog. It was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Losing control to such an extent that I could have died. In another blackout, a few years earlier, I went on a rampage and smashed up the boiler room of the block of flats I was living in - because another tenant had died, and it looked like the landlord was to blame for not servicing the boiler properly. So, I was in an emotionally unstable state at the start. And at the finish, I woke up in a police cell... and it cost me my flat. None of it would have happened if I hadn't picked up a drink.
Every time I drink, I feel great at first. I can conquer the world. But I know I'm also playing Russian Roulette with it. Anything can happen.