This is a root and branch (pardon the pun), fresh-start, clean slate thread...and continuation of the Are there any women here? post
I'm still here in the long grass and I hope the discussions will continue as it's still reassuring to read other people talk about life in a way I understand. I do hope also that men like Lonewarrior and others who identify with a more female iteration of autism feel free to comment too, not all men are the stereotype either.
Does anyone else feel completely trapped in their lives, or are you in stable, even happy relationships and jobs that have survived the revelation of being autistic? For the most part I'm behaving exactly as I always have because I see no alternative for survival, but some days I feel sure I'm just shy of breaking completely. ()
I don’t identify as a women, even though I’ve got a female body, I don’t particularly identify as a man either, but seeing as the guys are invited to chat, I thought I’d say something.
My diagnosis last October was a total game changer. It’s changed the whole of my life completely. I don’t know what I’ll be doing for employment after this burnout completes itself, but I know my life will never be the same again. Never again will I try to fit in so now, I’m just letting my life unfold and I’ll see where it takes me. I’ve got some ideas, but I know that my ideas might not be in line with loves ideas, so I take lead from that. But it’s fair to say, my life changed the instant I realised I was autistic. I’ve never been so happy in all of my life. I’ve got a place on this earth and I enjoy every minute of it.
Trapped..,but with eyes wide open, an aware beastie hiding but eager to run
I totally understand that there are caring individuals here that are supportive on the forum that aren’t female but show deep care and awareness. We all struggle, so don’t think that we live perfect lives... and your voice is important
Rather than feeling trapped in my life, I just feel a bit stuck at the moment. Not just since my diagnosis though, that only happened at the start of January, but for the past three years really. My HFA diagnosis seems to mostly explain why I've been feeling so stuck for so long but it's not really helped with any inspiration or motivation (or whatever it is I need) to become unstuck.
I'm in a stable relationship (about 17-ish years now) and the children are grown / growing up so they're not 'full-time' anymore. I just always imagined that by this stage I'd, well ... 'know what I want to be when I grow up' by now, and I don't. I've spent the past 7 months or so attending to my health and getting to the bottom of a lot of things (hence the autism diagnosis) and that's all good, going well and all that ... but I'm just bored bored bored now.
I don't really understand what, if anything, I'm supposed to be doing with this diagnosis? I'm learning more and more about it every day, it does explain a lot and makes me feel a lot better about a lot of things, but what are we actually supposed to DO with this new knowledge? Ach, sorry. I'm probably just having a blue day today.
Hi spotty thank you for your kind words, and also the kind words echoed by Talentedmute.
Sadly I crashed out early this evening and only just woke up.
been a bit busy in various ways lately.mostly mentally.
Sorry you are still waiting for that validation of a formal diagnosis.
Also sad that you feel you are barely surviving, ready to break. You are not alone in that thought.
Not willing to share ,sorry.
Like you I am behaving in the most part as I always have, but I am also trying to be me, it isn’t being met with much acceptance from all directions!
I tried being me as an autistic at work but for the most part was rejected in many ways, I decided to ease off and just dig deep and carry on with the mask as best I could. Near impossible with my new found knowledge.
Work is very exhausting and full of frustration.
I work in an environment that is very manly, big strong men, They know I cannot associate with there way of thinking but make no attempt to be flexible, if anything they seem to relish being more manly. Watching videos that seek to belittle females.
or videos that think fighting or bullying can be Fun?
It can become overwhelming and starts to seep into my head like a viral infection spreading and causing me to feel ill.
I cannot blame anyone as they have only ever known the masked version of me, The me that always fits the needs of those around me, The me that comes across as being capable and exceptionally good at my job.
I can see how they feel, I try to reach out and help by giving an understanding but they aren’t really bothered so long as I am not a danger to them they cannot be bothered. I am to much like hard work.
I had a bad experience that gave me my first strong shutdown in that straight after It I froze, my mind stopped, I couldn’t see enough to write, the words I had to write didn’t come, I got in my van to come home and screamed and cried, I best myself up mentally, I felt anger and sadness, I could only feel sad that such ignorance was used against me. I spent a great deal of time thinking it over and I can see where the comments came from and Why, I have since worked with the same man and I forgive him.
He needs to understand the various types of autism and hopefully will one day, he only knows autism as a bad thing as he has a nephew with it who struggles with most everything. I on the other hand appear to be doing rather well so should not dare even think let alone say I am autistic.
I have reached if not passed the point where I feel I need support, and although my manager did say they would support me they ended that talk with “ once you have seen your GP and got your diagnosis you can get back to being normal” ouch ouch ouch, they had no idea just how painful those last few words were.
I really do share an awful lot with many of the things talked about in here.
I visit very often, and although I often feel like commenting I settle for tapping the up arrow. It shows I am here in spirit,
I like the fact that all women can come here and feel totally free to talk about just what life is like being a female with autism.
It is more than just autism that effects females there are many things that come with autism and being female. More so than for many males. I am not saying that men in any way are effected less by autism, but that females are loaded with many more expectations as Society dictates.
Anyway I have rambled on enough, and written enough to last a very long time, whoops I do chatter when I get going, sorry!
thank you for allowing me to exhist and I look forward to hearing from you more. That goes for all of you regardless of the wiring.
Take care and never feel you are on your own,
Hello Spotty Tortoise, nice to see you here. Since I realised about the asd I have felt huge relief at not 'needing' to beat myself up about who I am. Not lazy, thick, rude etc after all! I have almost completely stopped doing the things that I struggled to cope with - coffee mornings, evening classes, craft groups etc. (I am in the fortunate position of not being at work). I do miss doing creative work with other people but on balance I am so much happier just drifting through, just me and my other half. I haven't spoken to anyone other than him about being autistic. I think quite a few people had worked it out before I did! I do see family and love seeing the children (lots of them in the extended family) but it's never for long and I can back out if I need to. I really hope this doesn't all sound complacent or smug, because I'm not. But like you I don't behave any differently when I am with other people - the habits of a lifetime, I suppose.
I hope you're feeling less down today()
No relationships here; and I have loads of "superficial friends". But I always end up with people being angry with me (even though I so do my best). And when people are angry I almost feel as if someone is holding me hostage - and I can't function until that person has "forgiven" me. Even though I know I am not at fault. I end up sending lots of messages trying to justify why I can't meet up, and I feel they don't get it and I feel their annoyance.
I also feel sad because often people come with their issues to me. But when I feel bad, often people don't like ask extra questions and just say okay, and then I feel I have to stop. And the conversation just turns back to them - and I go back into the mode of asking people the right questions. Often I feel that ASD friends are more sensitive and empathetic.
I would be interested to know how the other person experiences it. They seem to like this kind of interaction. They keep going for more than an hour sometimes. I kind of like it, because it is interesting. But it is very tiring. I often feel I need to justify my existence (why I am not at work, why I have no energy, etc) - even when people don't say it bluntly - and many people do, because they don't understand why I'm not back at work. I don't tell everyone about ASD, I sometimes say burn-out (but that has been like 4 years now) and I do have a Lyme infection and CFS/etc kind of symptoms (I think many people with ASD seem prone to this).I often wish I had known what I know about myself now, 30 years ago.... I might have had a hope and a chance at fun relationships and my own family. O gosh I hope I don't sound too mopey and depressed, but then again, maybe that is how I'm feeling now.