I started a new job around five months ago and have been doing okay, but I’ve now inadvertently upset a visitor - she’s being manipulative and hamming it up - and I’m fed up about it.
I’d been at my previous place for eight years and it was quite a wrench to leave.
I’m working hard to mask, but I’m doing a good job and resent the management being manipulated by this tricky neurotypical person who has form for this.
I didn’t disclose my aspergers when I applied because I don’t class myself as disabled and I’m actually very good at my job, it’s just that I’m direct and see through people who are less than honest.
I don’t know whether to just go back onto a nightshift job. Less people to upset. Not fulfilling though.
Where in your life are you being manipulative and hamming it up, or where have you been?
You’re good at your job so you aren’t disabled, so why would you consider using the diagnosis now?
It’s a gift to be able to see through people who are less than honest, which is most people, so use your gift wisely, otherwise it turns in on you and causes you pain in some way. How do you know you’re using your gift wisely? Because it brings you great joy and comfort, inner confidence and peace. Most people, and I would say, most of us, are manipulative and we ham it up, at least sometimes in our lives. Some of us are successful with this approach, and it gets us what we want. This person sounds like one of them. Let them have it. Would you rather be seen by others as right, and be isolated in an un-fulfilling job, or would you rather be seen as wrong, while knowing you’re right, and having a satisfying and enjoyable job?
I’m very direct in my approach. However, since realising I’m autistic, I’m finding new ways to express myself that bring harmony, as opposed to separation. I’m only just learning and so far, I’ve had an epic fail every time I’ve attempted it. I think I’ve attempted it six times, and each time has ended up with me totally losing it with people, shouting at them and shaking all over I had so much adrenaline running through me. So it’s fair to say, I think I need to work on that and spend more time by myself! Lol!
You will come across dishonest people almost every time you come into contact with somebody. It’s how we respond to that which brings us either inner peace or inner turmoil. The choice is always ours.
No it’s the visitor who’s hamming it up. She’s gone to management and said I’ve upset her kids by ignoring them when she brought them in. I didn’t even notice them. I was very busy and focused on what I was doing.
The visitor is doing it because she disapproves of something I have been doing for the person she visits.
I know it’s the visitor who’s hamming it up but trust me, life is nothing but a reflection of our insides. If she is in your life, hamming it up, you are either hamming something up in some area of your life or you have in the past or you’re thinking about it. Otherwise she would not be in your life hamming it up. There are no accidents in this world, none.
It’s ok to ignore her kids. Who amongst us has never been so absorbed in our work that we even noticed someone beside us. She isn’t very good at punishing people for doing things that she disapproves of otherwise she would have come up with something better than that. I think she’s just trying to let you know that she’s the boss as far as the person she visits is concerned. Play to that, let her know that you respect her and value her input and that you would be grateful if you two could work together to support the individual or whatever it is you’re doing. She’s afraid that’s all, she thinks your going to take her place in the individual’s eyes and she needs their approval. I don’t think she means you any serious harm, she’s just trying to tell you in a clumsy way that her input is important and she wants to be valued for it.
Having always worked in public facing roles I disagree with Blue Ray. I've met all sorts of characters and a lot of them have not been a reflection of whats been going on in my life.
This visitor sounds like she has control issues. If I was in this situation I would write down how the situation was making me feel, as I might struggle to get the words out effectively in a f2f meeting, then I would arrange a meeting with my line manager, express my concerns through the written comments and then ask them how they'd like me to handle the situation. I'd do this as I believe it shows that your conscientious and want to do the right thing. By then following my managements advice on how to handle the situation I would also feel less uncomfortable.
It sounds like your doing your best and hopefully your manager will see this.
Of course the visitor has control issues. She has a need to feel needed which she perceives as being under threat. It’s easy to get people like this on board and flatter their ego (genuinely) at the same time. I have found these kind of people to be a huge benefit to me in my work as a social worker and mental health practitioner, they become your eyes and ears. They’re really helpful and they feel good in the bargain.
Our outer circumstances are ALWAYS a reflection of what is going on for us inside, it’s not possible for it to be any other way. Most people are unaware of their self talk it is so deeply ingrained in their habits etc. But if you look at your life, it’s very easy to see how our outer experiences reflect our inner.
You can of course take your approach, there’s no right or wrong, but each will have its corresponding results. So if you see this woman for what she is, a lady with low self esteem, who relies on the affections and approval of other people for her own self worth, then you can not only get her on board, but you will feel good by doing so. Or you can of course start writing down how bad you feel and how she’s ruining your life and reputation. You can take it as far as you can, fight your corner and still not have this woman on board and chances are, after all the writing about how bad you feel and all the meetings and fighting, chances are you will feel bad. When all along the lady simply needed some reassurance that she wouldn’t be replaced in the individuals affections, that she is valued and her contribution is important.
Both and all approaches are right, for the person who is performing the action, and it’s not so much the outcome that matters as much as how you feel on the inside about how you respond to the situation. If fighting her makes you feel good and is what you consider to be good customer service, go for it, knock yourself out, see if you can sue her for deflamatiom of character while you’re at it, you might as well take it all the way, why stop at the managers office.
I can’t shmooze people. I just don’t have the skills. I just perceive her as someone who’s trying to cause trouble for me and I’m now antagonised. I’m not there to stroke someone’s ego.