I started a new job around five months ago and have been doing okay, but I’ve now inadvertently upset a visitor - she’s being manipulative and hamming it up - and I’m fed up about it.
I’d been at my previous place for eight years and it was quite a wrench to leave.
I’m working hard to mask, but I’m doing a good job and resent the management being manipulated by this tricky neurotypical person who has form for this.
I didn’t disclose my aspergers when I applied because I don’t class myself as disabled and I’m actually very good at my job, it’s just that I’m direct and see through people who are less than honest.
I don’t know whether to just go back onto a nightshift job. Less people to upset. Not fulfilling though.
I feel your pain, I'm in a similar situation. I did disclose my Aspergers to some people and it mostly what that achieved was fairly irritating and definitely unhelpful. Similarly to yourself, I'm very capable, if I'm calm only a trained eye would ever guess I'm Aspie.
I guess I expected to be overwhelmed by the new environment and exhausted by the need to interact with lots of people, but it's delivering a lot more overwhelming than I expected.
Currently I'm off work, due to anxiety for the last 4 days, I'm kind of daunted by the prospect of going in tomorrow but I might. The short break has helped me get better perspective, I still feel very overwhelmed but I sense that if I can structure my concerns in a neurotypical compatible format I might still manage to stick it out.
My main motivation for continuing is because I don't want to accept defeat in the eye's of my kids, coupled with the actual stress of applying for jobs with the added stress of "Why did you only stay X months at your last position?".
Sorry you're suffering, Kitty. I understand the way you feel about your Asperger's, and I feel the same. I always disclose it, though, in case something crops us.
Are there likely to be any major negative repercussions for you because of this? If not, couldn't you just ride it out? You can't please everyone, after all - your managers should know that. And if this person already has form, they'll probably give you the benefit of the doubt if you're doing a good job otherwise.
Where in your life are you being manipulative and hamming it up, or where have you been?
You’re good at your job so you aren’t disabled, so why would you consider using the diagnosis now?
It’s a gift to be able to see through people who are less than honest, which is most people, so use your gift wisely, otherwise it turns in on you and causes you pain in some way. How do you know you’re using your gift wisely? Because it brings you great joy and comfort, inner confidence and peace. Most people, and I would say, most of us, are manipulative and we ham it up, at least sometimes in our lives. Some of us are successful with this approach, and it gets us what we want. This person sounds like one of them. Let them have it. Would you rather be seen by others as right, and be isolated in an un-fulfilling job, or would you rather be seen as wrong, while knowing you’re right, and having a satisfying and enjoyable job?
I’m very direct in my approach. However, since realising I’m autistic, I’m finding new ways to express myself that bring harmony, as opposed to separation. I’m only just learning and so far, I’ve had an epic fail every time I’ve attempted it. I think I’ve attempted it six times, and each time has ended up with me totally losing it with people, shouting at them and shaking all over I had so much adrenaline running through me. So it’s fair to say, I think I need to work on that and spend more time by myself! Lol!
You will come across dishonest people almost every time you come into contact with somebody. It’s how we respond to that which brings us either inner peace or inner turmoil. The choice is always ours.
Thanks for your reply.
I was in my last job for eight years and left because I wasn’t happy with the way the manager was treating me or how she was running the place.
I worked nights for the last two years and I’m probably better off out of the way tbh.
No it’s the visitor who’s hamming it up. She’s gone to management and said I’ve upset her kids by ignoring them when she brought them in. I didn’t even notice them. I was very busy and focused on what I was doing.
The visitor is doing it because she disapproves of something I have been doing for the person she visits.
No major repercussions, but I’m in a job where I’m supposed to be very people focused and I have to get on with others. I manage okay, but I’ve identified that this person is disingenuous and is trying to stop the care that we’re trying to give to the person she’s visiting. The person is in pain and discomfort and I contacted the GP to get better painkillers prescribed. The visitor doesn’t want the person to have these painkillers. The visitor has history for being controlling.
I’ve stepped into a strange situation and I don’t know how to handle it. This type of advanced social weirdness isn’t something I can relate to or even understand. It’s having a detrimental effect on somebody I’m employed to care for though, so it’s not something I can just ignore or shrug off.
I know it’s the visitor who’s hamming it up but trust me, life is nothing but a reflection of our insides. If she is in your life, hamming it up, you are either hamming something up in some area of your life or you have in the past or you’re thinking about it. Otherwise she would not be in your life hamming it up. There are no accidents in this world, none.
It’s ok to ignore her kids. Who amongst us has never been so absorbed in our work that we even noticed someone beside us. She isn’t very good at punishing people for doing things that she disapproves of otherwise she would have come up with something better than that. I think she’s just trying to let you know that she’s the boss as far as the person she visits is concerned. Play to that, let her know that you respect her and value her input and that you would be grateful if you two could work together to support the individual or whatever it is you’re doing. She’s afraid that’s all, she thinks your going to take her place in the individual’s eyes and she needs their approval. I don’t think she means you any serious harm, she’s just trying to tell you in a clumsy way that her input is important and she wants to be valued for it.
You need to simply get her on board. Let her know how grateful you are for the support she gives her friend, get her to tell you about what she does. Not in an interrogation type of way but more a friendly, interested kind of way. Ask her to tell you why she doesn’t think the painkillers are good for her friend. She needs the approval of others so if you give it to her, in a genuine way, she will be on your side and she will be like putty in your hand. She’s afraid that if she loses control, she’ll lose people’s affections and approval because she feels so bad about herself and she feels that the only way she can make herself feel better is if she is being useful, but because she feels useless, that’s usually the outcome of any attempt she makes to control the situation in her idea of being useful. She’s clearly trying. She’s more useful to you as a friend rather than an enemy.
Having always worked in public facing roles I disagree with Blue Ray. I've met all sorts of characters and a lot of them have not been a reflection of whats been going on in my life.
This visitor sounds like she has control issues. If I was in this situation I would write down how the situation was making me feel, as I might struggle to get the words out effectively in a f2f meeting, then I would arrange a meeting with my line manager, express my concerns through the written comments and then ask them how they'd like me to handle the situation. I'd do this as I believe it shows that your conscientious and want to do the right thing. By then following my managements advice on how to handle the situation I would also feel less uncomfortable.
It sounds like your doing your best and hopefully your manager will see this.
Of course the visitor has control issues. She has a need to feel needed which she perceives as being under threat. It’s easy to get people like this on board and flatter their ego (genuinely) at the same time. I have found these kind of people to be a huge benefit to me in my work as a social worker and mental health practitioner, they become your eyes and ears. They’re really helpful and they feel good in the bargain.
Our outer circumstances are ALWAYS a reflection of what is going on for us inside, it’s not possible for it to be any other way. Most people are unaware of their self talk it is so deeply ingrained in their habits etc. But if you look at your life, it’s very easy to see how our outer experiences reflect our inner.