Published on 12, July, 2020
I have been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years and our sex life is pitiful. (FYI we are both girls)
During this 1.5 years I have learnt a lot about myself but not a lot about sex. It's only in the past 6 months that I even knew I had ASD.
I find sex difficult. I know that I want to do it with my girlfriend but I just don't know how. How does it start? When is an appropriate time?
The problem is that I am incredibly slow to learn and my girlfriend has given up hope that I ever will.
It has taken ages for me to learn not to come home from work and complain and go to bed. I'm an active productive happy person after work now.
It has taken ages to learn not to let obstacles get in the way of sex. Like stopping halfway through because my tooth hurts or I have leg cramp etc. etc.
It has taken ages for me to "clear the obstacles" and make room/time for sex
It has taken ages for me to learn some idea of how to initiate sex.
So....1.5 years on... I am ready to start.
But it's too late it seems for my girlfriend. She feels like it has been 2 years and our sex life is crap (we don't have sex very often). She feels like this is how it will always be. She worries if she can be in a relationship that doesn't have any sex (though we do have some).
I need some sort of evidence or proof that all of this is just me being slow and that things will improve and will not be like this forever.
To make matters worse, we have spent the past 2 years living in my flat preparing to move house to a place for both of us; and it is moving far away from her family. She feels like she is commiting to a life with me by moving; but she is unhappy with our relationship because of our sex life.
Please help!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what to say to her, I don't know how to show her that things will get better. I tell her this and she says "you say that but its been 2 years".
Please please please could someone point me to a website or share their experience or prove somehow that I am just being slow and that I will get there.
It's really really hard because I miss all the flirty signals. I never liked it when she came on too strong. I've basically batted her away for a year and then when she gave up trying I didn't try myself. Well I did, but most of the trying was in my head and failing to communicate.
Have you thought of working with a sex therapist? They may have the expertise and understanding with you. Helps take the pressure off both of you and signals that you are taking your sex life seriously.
Also have you thought of organising fixed regular dates for sex? It takes off the pressure in terms of guessing each other and helps you mentally prepare if it is on a fixed time.
Rather than worrying about you enjoying the sex, maybe spend the next couple of weeks learning and finding out how she likes the sex and focus on maximising her pleasure. Hopefully when you understand and learn from experimentation, you might be able to explore it yourself.
Hi, thanks for the reply. We've broken up now. Or we are on a break. It's all very uncertain. She wanted to break up so I told her to go and sort her head out.
After doing a lot of thinking I realise I am scared of sex. I don't know what I'm doing and so I'm not confident. It feels like I'm on stage performing and I have to do it right.
She is a free spirit, as spontaneous as they come. Planning things kind of kills it for her. Though I can plan it in my head and approach her.
I didn't realise it but I'm a lot more of a selfish person than I thought. I try to be bold and tell her what it is that I want her to do, but I'v never actually asked her what she wants. In many areas of life.
I have a lot to learn. I'm going to research sex and flirting and practice some imaginary scenes.
I don't know if a sex therapist would help. I feel like I don't want to go down thst route. She did suggest an escort to me though. I think thats a good idea. For some with patience to teach me.