Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I would like some recommendations (e.g. reading materials) for me (a non-autistic person) to be able to empathise better with my boyfriend.
I'm dating a very lovely (probably, but never diagnosed) autistic man. He cares very deeply about me, but on some occasions this doesn't come across in his actions as he's wired a little differently. There are a lot of small examples, such as leaving a cafe table when he's done, despite the fact that I still haven't finished my coffee, or not being very good at knowing what to do if I'm ill. In these situations, I know on an intellectual level that he does care, but it can be difficult not to have a emotional reaction in the opposite direction.
He's working on trying to be more aware of my feelings, but I also need to do the same in return, in particular understanding him better and not feeling so offended when these things happen, but also how I can change my actions to make it easier for him.
Has anyone got any recommendations to help me here? I was imagining that someone might have a book that they found helpful, but I'm happy to look at something in whatever form - blog post, documentary, magazine article, TED talk, TV series, or your own comments and recommendations.
Thanks in advance.
I am not a guy, but a girl with AS. I think you have already done a huge amount to help and understand him, just with the thinking and consideration you have already given. One thing to remember is that when you say you know he does care, he might not show it in the way you expect. I can come across as cold as I don't always know how to deal with other peoples emotions (looking after them when they are upset or ill is a good example), but if you look closely you may notice that he shows his care for you in another way - by doing something practical like making sure you are comfortable, or warm, or doing something nice for you. We do care, we just don't always do it how you would expect!!
That's really helpful - thanks. You're absolutely right that he shows his care in other ways - working on being more grateful for those sorts of things is a really good idea. In particular, there are some things which might be instinctive for other people, but I think is more of a conscious effort for him. I don't give him enough credit for that sort of thing (because I'm subconsciously holding him to the same standard as I do other neurotypical people), so I'll make sure to notice and acknowledge that he's showing he cares.