Worsting Autistic traits? and general grumble, anyone else?

So I swear I used to basically be fine although that being said living at home and going to school and having a schedule is a lot less trying than where I am now but also I was largely just depressed I didn't really notice much around me other than I was different.

Anyway I only just started to figure I should go see about getting a proper test because it seems to be affecting my life more and more. I think I quit uni (twice) because of it, I can't hold down a job or a relationship but at least I used to travel around the UK a bit. Now I'm mostly stuck in London as my dad wouldn't let me move back in so it's the only place I know how to live for free since I haven't been able to work and all. I'm very much a countryside person though so I miss it but also London is ridiculously stressful as people stare at me, don't smile and there's a lot of noise and stuff going on. It's gotten to a point where I'm scared of crossing roads because I can't handle all the noise and movement so I just can't process what I need to process aka a car coming at me. I tend to therefore only go out when it's dark to rush to a shop or the library and as someone who kinda needs to be able to wonder about in the forests for a few hours a day that...is not ideal. I also am currently *** on public transport. I've started wearing a hat and headphones to limit what I can see and hear but I still end up stressing, hiding behind my bag, in my hands or nearly crying. Anyway I for sure didn't used to be that bad. I think I used to have some aspie traits but like more manageable, I've never had sensory issues this hard to manage. Am I stressed about being in London or is it like some weird reaction to thinking I might have aspergers? It is making me freak out a lot like when I first realised I'm trans and I sorta knew it was so but also kept questioning it actually happening to me.

So I think I need therapy and help dealing with it plus an actual test so I can stop questioning but also I know getting a diagnosis takes forever and I kinda don't want to be in a waiting period but in the meantime any insights into people's own experiences or advice I'd love.

Also if you read this and you go by Anon in some circles please please contact me on here if you don't mind I'd really like to talk to you but if not I'll likely see you in the last weekend of February so it's not such a long wait...

Parents
  • Hi there.

    I have been homeless previously so I know how stressful being in this situation is.  I ended up having a breakdown as I couldn't cope with the situation and those who were involved in my life at the time.  My advice is to seek safety to begin with.  Are you in contact with the local services to see if they can find you temporary accommodation or emergency shelter?  If you are struggling to find food, then they might be able to point you in the direction of food banks and other services that can make sure you are fed and nourished sufficiently.

    With regards to your traits worsening, it could be that because of your situation, you are reaching crisis point and therefore the traits become more pronounced.  It could also be related to the fact that you are perhaps becoming more aware of what is happening to you and how your traits affect you.

    I myself am going through a rough phase at the moment in relation to my traits.  I pass for a quirky NT the majority of the time, but I am currently experiencing multiple shutdowns and terrible fatigue.  I have now linked this (rightly or wrongly) to autism and looking back I have also identified multiple times throughout my life where I have experience meltdowns and shutdowns, I just didn't know what they were at the time!

    Now I realise why I struggle in certain situations and environments, but before my diagnosis I would put it down to being crap at socialising and would pressure myself to get better at it.  It went two ways, I improved my socialising skills, but at a cost.  It would lead to really bad anxiety and depression, but then I would beat myself up that I was weak and couldn't handle life like other people around me.  I would also fall out with friends and not know why, so would convince myself I am a terrible person.  Looking back it is obvious to see that these are all a result of me not managing my autistic traits well.  They have always been there, I just haven't been able to connect the dots correctly and realise what the root cause was.  In contrast, I don't see why being autistic should hold me back, I have battled through tough times previously, so I can do it again, but as I get older, I don't bounce back as well as I used to, so I am in the process of understanding my limits, triggers and what is acceptable for me.  Once you are in a more stable situation and have been through the diagnosis route, whatever the outcome, you will probably have to do the same to see where your threshold lies and be careful not to become defeatist, but at the same time, not push yourself too far and break.

    Take care.

  • Currently in terms of housing situation I am in safety. I think squatting is better for me than any other kind of accommodation in London as my house mates support me when I'm struggling but I'm also aware that come September the people who help me most are leaving then I'm a bit screwed. I'd therefore like to reach a point by September where I can financially support myself so I can leave London and don't need so much support to cope.

    I beat myself up a lot too about not being able to do certain things I feel I should be able to. I know I have to push myself to do some things and that sometimes I push myself too far but I'm not sure how to figure out a balance..

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  • Currently in terms of housing situation I am in safety. I think squatting is better for me than any other kind of accommodation in London as my house mates support me when I'm struggling but I'm also aware that come September the people who help me most are leaving then I'm a bit screwed. I'd therefore like to reach a point by September where I can financially support myself so I can leave London and don't need so much support to cope.

    I beat myself up a lot too about not being able to do certain things I feel I should be able to. I know I have to push myself to do some things and that sometimes I push myself too far but I'm not sure how to figure out a balance..

Children