Why am I trying to survive?

It has occured to me that at the end of every life is just that, an end... I achieved what I want to do this lifetime and wish not face the population crisis when I reach old age and the ensuring chaos from haters onto the public.

I got a flat, a car, a job. But the whole endeavour seems like a massive waste of time to me when I'm not going to be rewarded with a life that I can enjoy because there is no cure for me.

So what is the point exactly? We have everything that this planet has to offer but because in the end everything I have worked for goes to someone else, why am I wasting my time?

I wanted to be in assisted living and on benifits because of the revelations that the haters win in the end. But of course, coercion seems to be the primary motivator for the complacent. But not for me, I've had enough. I am all your fault after all for still being here with all the support I have recieved thus far...

So I ask, what to do about the game that never ends for us?

Parents
  • What to do?-we keep playing, we have had a much tougher time of it than most NT's and this is ongoing because our circuitry cannot be "fixed" or "cured" yet through all of this we have survived and the luckier ones have been able to build good lives for themselves.

    It is never impossible or too late to find meaning and purpose I am 59, my life has been one car crash after another yet I have hung on when it seemed almost an affront tp civilisation that I even used up air and that is because the emotions we feel are nothing but momentary impressions which change like cloud formations, they are not solid, not real and can be dispelled by simply having our perspectives altered. In my darkest moments-there have been many-I had proto-suicidal thoughts before my 10th birthday. my Dear Father did his best to convince me that there was no point my living because I was a "nothing" (actual quote, it just came back to me this moment so I really hope there is a Hell) andf the grown-up equivalents have remained with me all of my life but I am still here-mainly because I am too scared to actually do it but also because i know from experience that these thoughts pass.

    There is a quote from Oscar Wilde which goes something like " A coward dies a thousand times, a hero dies only once" I now  dispute that! I have been accusing and excooriating myself all of my conscious life for lacking courage but I am coming around to the notion that this is wrong and that I am quite brave and incredibly resilient because I have known others who have had far less to contend with than I (I know it's all relative, but if you knew my whole life story....) and have committed suicide because they could not go on. I have talked people out of suicidal thoughts (and the odd attempt) and I found it simply a question of getting them to really open up and express their emotions, then gently introducing comparisons and perspectives with the odd bit of humour. Right up against the edge of the beckoning void is my natural habitat and I could conduct tours! 

    When I lived in Cardiff on the outskirts of the city in Gabalfa there are two flyovers, one above the other which I identified as the very best place to jump from and one day, I nearly did-well, I really felt like it, I don't know if I would have but the compulsion was there, what stopped me was seeing 3 or 4 Wrens flitting about in some bushes. they are such tiny, tiny birds, utterly beautiful, exquisite creatures! it seem implausible that something so diminutuve could possibly exist in such a harsh urban environment but there they were, singing loudly and just getting on with it, I burst into tears-extremely rare occurence and all thoughts of the jump vanished. i can't say my life took off from that moment-I got evicted from my flat a few days later and was totally skint but it did not constitute a catastrophe and that was 40 years ago.

    Beyond our will to survive, there is no purpose, no plan and certainly no "Divine" order to the Universe. We are happy, infinitesimally improbable accidents.We have no "right" to be here, nobody owes us a thing, we were not "created" for any specific purpose but find ourselves just one among billions of other similar creatures formed into huge conglomerations called Societies, where we can make noises at eachother which can convey any number of meanings/emotions/concepts and be understood and acted upon.We are  all trying our best to scratch a life out of the environment we find-to our very great good fortune to be reasonably conducive to most of the aspirations that our circumstances give rise to.

    WOW!!! 

    I

    The Universe itself is astonishingly unlikely and the fact that there are Galaxies and Solar Systems multiplies such improbability to absurdly unimaginable degrees, yet here we are on a big round rock, in orbit a round a fairly accomodating Star which is one of Trillions. we started life as microscopic dots either in an Ocean or some muddy, volcanically-heated pond and , over the 3.9 billion years that this planet has harboured life we have evolved into you and me, who can look at these things, ruminate over concepts, have ideas, hold plans and ambitions etc,etc,etc

    WOW!!!

    This is why we play on-or at least this why I play on, I hung on when I felt I had no right or reason to and I am able to think of these things and be glad that I did.

    At this age of 59 after a life of zero achievement in any accepted sense, the discovery that I am most probably Autistic is changing my life and perceptions by the minute, I am more optimistic-even though I can't really look forward to a long and happy life from this day on, whatever I have left is going to be better because I feel deadening weights slip off my shoulders, old chains are falling away-I feel liberated, less inhibited-I am starting top speak my mind more and worry less about how I am received- my viewpoints are of equal validity to anyone elses and if other people have to do a bit of thinking in order to catch up-I can be very fast-then that is a new life experience for them which would do them good to learn from.

    LIFE IS AMAZING AND SO ARE WE!

    We the lucky,lucky, lucky 1%!!!

  • We are. Your world view echoes my own and it's so good to hear from someone who appears to think similarly. I hope NAS15974 is still connecting with this forum too, perhaps under a chosen name (?). 

    Life experiences and the social interactions we are part of can get us down, TEAR us down, at times. It has, at various times, helped me to contemplate that life itself though (as you describe) is something else! The fact that we're lucky enough to be here and experiencing anything at all is ... quite wonderful. 

    With a back-story not dissimilar to that which you allude to, I take some strength in the old saying that to life well is the best revenge. Despite them all, their very best efforts, I am living well. We are living well. 

    To me that doesn't mean riches, possessions, kudos or any of the other yardsticks of success. My success is simply in still being here and enjoying that simple fact. I seem to have spent most of my life wishing that the world would stop so that I could get off, now I've stopped. It's a relief and a pleasure to just 'be'.   

  • Hi again Endymion

    I only intended to write a few paragraphs but it turned into a major novel, I am so glad that it chimed in with at least one person-as you can see from the post which appears directly beneath this one NAS15974 is still very much "with us" so that is yet another reason to be glad.

    How can I get a chosen name to use on these threads?- "I am Not a Number...."

    I did try to find a link to click on but am a bit tech-intolerant and could not find anything. When I first came to thisese forums I intended to call myself "Ejecta" because that is how I felt at the time, however, now i want to appear under a much more upbeat moniker to which I will give some thought.

    Am nodding off now so I'll sign off and hopefully click keyboards with you all again soon1

    Goodnight everybody!!

    Ian

  • Endymion-where are you?

    Please post something so that I can see you are (relatively) OK, I am officially "Autistic" now and have the added bonus of having acute ADHD too so there is lots for us to rabbit on about!

    I miss you.

  • In every respect, that song is perfect-and the fact that it has such a beautiful melody -which even an arthritic old git like me is able to play quite well is an added bonus.

    Paul Mc Cartney is a genius and a supreme crafter of beauty..

  • I hadn't heard that song but I did look it up and I like the lyrics, and your reason for your chosen name. Now I'll recognise you whenever I see you around here   :)   I looked up Blackbirds too and was surprised to read that they are indeed one of the few birds which sing during the night! I can relate to that, the being active in the night part if not the singing - I prefer the darkness and peace at night when there's no-one else around (except blackbirds).  

  • I followed your excellent advice and after having given up trying to think of a name, I started to play my guitar and the tune was " Blackbird" by the Beatles.

    If you wonder why I chose that name, look it up on the net,all will become clear!

    x

Reply
  • I followed your excellent advice and after having given up trying to think of a name, I started to play my guitar and the tune was " Blackbird" by the Beatles.

    If you wonder why I chose that name, look it up on the net,all will become clear!

    x

Children
  • Endymion-where are you?

    Please post something so that I can see you are (relatively) OK, I am officially "Autistic" now and have the added bonus of having acute ADHD too so there is lots for us to rabbit on about!

    I miss you.

  • In every respect, that song is perfect-and the fact that it has such a beautiful melody -which even an arthritic old git like me is able to play quite well is an added bonus.

    Paul Mc Cartney is a genius and a supreme crafter of beauty..

  • I hadn't heard that song but I did look it up and I like the lyrics, and your reason for your chosen name. Now I'll recognise you whenever I see you around here   :)   I looked up Blackbirds too and was surprised to read that they are indeed one of the few birds which sing during the night! I can relate to that, the being active in the night part if not the singing - I prefer the darkness and peace at night when there's no-one else around (except blackbirds).