I really don’t know how to cope with my friend who has diagnosed Asperger’s recently

Hello. I would like to know how to cope with my friend with Asperger’s.

We were good friends. However, the more we become close, the more we argue. I think this is because that we do not understand to each other. Or I should rather say thay it is so hard for me to understand her way of thinking or perceptions....(she says she understands me but she does not sadly...)

We both had tough times last year. We were so stressed out in own issues. I do admit that I was sometimes nasty and horrible to her. I am shamed to say that I have shouted at her so many times. If I am allowed to excuse for it, this was because I was just not be able to put up with her extreme negativity and strong obsession with wanting to tell her favourite things which I do not like to hear and to correct the meaning of the words I used (my mother language is not English) during having important discussions and/or everyday conversations.

Since she was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, for me, she now excuses everything that she cannot do or change because of having Asperger’s. It really does not work for me... She has said to me once that I am neurotypical that is why I do not understand her. It may be true but sounded really cold and I felt a big barrier between us.

She found a kind of soul mate who has also Asperger’s in SNS. She is very happy and it makes her strong. She said to me that that person really understood her and made her feel very comfortable. I felt very jealous and was not happy at all because I am suffering from not being able to understand her as a real life friend exchanging many private and life issues but she admires her virtual friend....

I almost decided to end up our friendship because I do not know how to manage my emotions with her. I do not want to but I do become short tempered. Also, she believes in what her SNS friend says and telephone Asperger’s psychiatrist advice only now. She ignores my calls eventually. That is actually psychiatrist’s advice because I shout at her...My close friends advise me to finish this friendship because of wasting time...I really liked her and thought that I could make a great friendship with her though.....I do not know why our friendship became so bad...

Could anyone kindly tell me how to cope with this situations and a friend with Asperger’s, please? 

Parents
  • There's such a lot I could say, but the main thing is...

    Do you still want to be friends with her?

    If so - if she means more to you than superficialities - then perhaps try to accept her.  Talk to her about her condition and how it affects her.  Find out about it yourself.

    You said:

    'Since she was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, for me, she now excuses everything that she cannot do or change because of having Asperger’s. It really does not work for me...'

    You could, perhaps, try to understand that when someone gets a diagnosis like this - as I did myself a couple of years ago, at age 56 - it can make a profound difference.  Suddenly, all of those problems you had in life - people not seeming to like you, never feeling like you fit in, feeling anxious around others a lot of the time - make sense.  It's like someone's given you a code that breaks the puzzle.  And of course, when that happens, it's natural to use it to try to explain so many things.  Is she making excuses?  Or are there genuinely things that she cannot change, or will struggle to change?  I work with highly-autistic people.  If they do something that most people would perceive to be 'wrong' - such as shout in public, or try to flush clothing down the toilet - you can't just stop them doing it.  It's a behaviour trait that needs time and patience and careful work before it can be moderated or changed.

    It makes me wonder if your attitude towards her - your self-confessed short-temperedness - is making her react in the way she is by saying she can't change. She feels like she's under attack.  Maybe you need - if you wish to retain her friendship - to show a little more patience and understanding.  Also, it might help to take a look around on some of these threads.  See what other people with Asperger's are saying.  Try to learn a little from it.

    She's not like you.  She's neurodiverse, not neurotypical.  She doesn't see the world in the same way you do, and she's in a minority.  It's not an easy place to be.  And other people can often make it much harder.

  • Thank you so much for your response. 

    I too am a kind of minority here in England. I am foreign.

    I too felt that I was so different from others when I was in my own country because my way of thinking was very different from others. Also, others saw me different from them because of my appearance. I do not look like people who are in my country. I still feel that I am very different from people here because of cultural backgrounds. I do get depressed and feel difficult to change things. I have experienced to stay home for nearly 2 years and avoided contacting others. Therefore, it is so hard to accept that there are huge differences between me and my friend. She is not the only one who feels different from others and suffers from it.

    However, I always try to appropriate what I have,  where I am, being able to see and hear, being able to eat and drink, my heart beats and my organs do function and well-being of my parents and myself although I become negative so many times. It is very hard to keep gratitude when things are so tough, but that is my attitude of life: appreciation and gratitude. 

    I was very patient at first when I met her. I even liked her eccentric nature. I tried to understand her tough experiences and was empathetic. We discussed life attitudes many times but it did not work for her and our friendship, especially we both were so stressed in own issues...I did not shout at her from the beginning though...

    If she keeps listening to only her SNS Asperger’s friend and psychiatrist, then I do not think that I can continue this friendship because there is no actual communication with her...

    We are so different from each other, aren’t we? We have diversity, don’t we? But we all are just human beings. Why can’t we accept it and keep continuing our life with appreciation and gratitude?

    She excuses negative things because of Asperger’s now, I am afraid. I do not want her to be like that. She was much open-minded before.....

  • She excuses negative things because of Asperger’s now, I am afraid. I do not want her to be like that. She was much open-minded before.....

    'Negative' in what way?  Negative in your perception?  Which isn't, perhaps, her perception at all.

    Maybe it's that she felt - as many undiagnosed autistic people do - that she had to try to fit in, in order to gain acceptance.  So, she had to try to learn to do things that NTs - of whatever race or culture - take for granted.  She also had to wear masks to compensate for her perceived deficits.  It's often very hard to do these things.  It's exhausting.  Many late-diagnosed people have had real struggles in life.  I myself have never been able to make or keep friends, sustain relationships, etc.  I can't read body language and gestures very well.  Although some of that can be culture-specific, there is also a good degree of universality to such things.  Less than 10% of communication is verbal.  So, that puts people with autism at a severe disadvantage.  And then, with mild autism - Asperger's - you have the added problem of seeming to be 'normal' in most other respects: you can live your life independently, manage a home, study, work, drive, etc.  So others look at you and see a human being just like any other.  But you're not.  And if you're undiagnosed, what else can you do but simply try to keep up?  Do things that aren't natural to you, perhaps - like go to parties and clubs - simply because everyone else is, and you don't want to feel left out.

    With a diagnosis, you finally see that there's a reason why you struggle with such things.  It's because you're wired differently.  What others can do without a problem, and seem to enjoy - you struggle with, and possibly dislike.  So the tables get turned a bit.  No longer do you have to change to suit everyone else.  Everyone else (hopefully) needs to accept you for who you are instead.  Unfortunately, that often doesn't happen.  Even with me.  I work in an autism unit, alongside neurotypical staff who are trained to understand autistic behaviour.  Even so, they get it wrong - expecting me to be able to do things simply because they can do them.  Expecting me to be flexible.  Expecting me to accept change quickly.  I used to struggle enormously in these areas.  I still do - but at least now I have something on my side defending me: my diagnosis, which says I struggle with these things, and therefore need people to make allowances for me.  You wouldn't expect someone with one leg shorter than the other to walk without limping, as you do.  They'd need help with that.  It's the same kind of thing.  It's just that, being in the head, you can't see it.  Or you can - in 'eccentric' behaviour.  Eccentric behaviour is relative.  What's eccentric to an NT isn't necessarily so to an ND.

  • “NAS35494 13 minutes ago in reply to Lonewarrior
    Not angry. No raised voice. Not taken personally.

    Calm pragmatic analysis.

    Thank you for your concern.”

    I don’t understand your reply to me?

    i did not say you were angry or that you raised your voice?

    are you ok? You keep deleting or editing your posts!

    can I be of any help to you

    ?

    To jog your memory Lonewarrior

    Screenshot of your pre-edited post in which you referred to my being angry and raising my voice:-

      

    yes, you did say that I was angry and raising my voice, why edit that out and deny it when you are stating that it should not be done and calling me out for that is beyond me.

    I wasn't taking them personally, I was replying to your posts, I wasn't angry and I wasn't raising my voice, I don't see how my posts conveyed that as I was quite calm and pragmatic.

    You constantly called me out for deleting and editing my posts when I explained to you that I did it to the posts you objected to my use of words 'us' and 'we', it was out of respect for you and all forum users - not because, as you suggested, of having something to hide, quite what that would be I don't know. 

    You have been making comments about me seeming to be angry or raising my voice, then editing them out of your posts and denying you had posted them.   I am at a loss as to why you were doing this when you were calling me out for changing my words and suggesting that I think very carefully before I do that and stating that nobody should edit their posts and stand by what they have said, meanwhile you are editing yours and denying your words.  I don't get it. 

    Some of the deleted posts might be the disappearing posts, they get lost within the thread and can be deemed to be deleted when they haven't been. 

  • NAS35494 8 minutes ago in reply to Lonewarrior
    Did you edit your post? I was responding to text stating that I seemed to be angry and to be raising my voice....maybe I went cross eyed and read two posts at once.......whatever! But that's what I was replying to, so I hope that gives some clarification.

    I am absolutely fine thank you.

    Where I cannot delete them I have edited them due to the points you made to me about my inadvertent use of us and we and my not wanting to be misunderstood as being angry or electing my self as a spokesperson for everyone here. So to diffuse the situation and prevent any misunderstandings.

    If it helps at all I screen captured all the replies on here as my memory is rather bad, I could repost them if you Like?

    you have made my replies look wrong.narebyountrying tonhide something,

  • Did you edit your post? I was responding to text stating that I seemed to be angry and to be raising my voice....maybe I went cross eyed and read two posts at once.......whatever!  But that's what I was replying to, so I hope that gives some clarification.

    I am absolutely fine thank you. 

    Where I cannot delete them I have edited them due to the points you made to me about my inadvertent use of us and we and my not wanting to be misunderstood as being angry or electing my self as a spokesperson for everyone here. So to diffuse the situation and prevent any misunderstandings. 

  • “NAS35494 13 minutes ago in reply to Lonewarrior
    Not angry. No raised voice. Not taken personally.

    Calm pragmatic analysis.

    Thank you for your concern.”

    I don’t understand your reply to me?

    i did not say you were angry or that you raised your voice?

    are you ok? You keep deleting or editing your posts!

    can I be of any help to you

    ?

  • Not angry. No raised voice. Not taken personally.

    Calm pragmatic analysis.

    Thank you for your concern.

  • Well NAS35494 !Erm,well if the ND friend sounded anything like you then I am not suprised they were struggling to communicate?

    you seem to be taking the comments personally?

    . Can I ask why you feel it necessary to take the replies personally?

    if I can help in any way then please feel free to talk. 

  • Pardon my ND honesty,  

  • I too accept that it is not working for me and I have to move on. 

    I am very disappointed that I came here, except for receiving one considerable advice. I seriously wanted someone to rescue me and us. I like my friend so much but we do have so many arguments. Then, she closed her door to communicate with me after she found Asperger’s friend...although we tried to fix our friendship before.

    People here seem to think of only person with Asperger’s. They never think of or imagine that others who want to have better relationship with Asperger’s people. They keep telling me how much they suffer but never think about how much their friends suffer too.......I now know that this is typical Asperger’s people’s perceptions.

    I did not come to here to feel being attacked or guilty but to gain sensible advice.....I wish I could have actual examples how others manage to make or develop their relationship...

    However, I still do believe that appreciation and gratitude are the most important for us to live. Therefore. I try to appreciate that I have met my friend, that I met various opinions here including hostile ones and that I learned no wonder it is so hard to create great relationships with Asperger’s people.

    Please, people with Asperger’s, remember that your friends or partner or family too struggle because it is difficult for them to understand you guys. 

Reply Children
  • “NAS35494 13 minutes ago in reply to Lonewarrior
    Not angry. No raised voice. Not taken personally.

    Calm pragmatic analysis.

    Thank you for your concern.”

    I don’t understand your reply to me?

    i did not say you were angry or that you raised your voice?

    are you ok? You keep deleting or editing your posts!

    can I be of any help to you

    ?

    To jog your memory Lonewarrior

    Screenshot of your pre-edited post in which you referred to my being angry and raising my voice:-

      

    yes, you did say that I was angry and raising my voice, why edit that out and deny it when you are stating that it should not be done and calling me out for that is beyond me.

    I wasn't taking them personally, I was replying to your posts, I wasn't angry and I wasn't raising my voice, I don't see how my posts conveyed that as I was quite calm and pragmatic.

    You constantly called me out for deleting and editing my posts when I explained to you that I did it to the posts you objected to my use of words 'us' and 'we', it was out of respect for you and all forum users - not because, as you suggested, of having something to hide, quite what that would be I don't know. 

    You have been making comments about me seeming to be angry or raising my voice, then editing them out of your posts and denying you had posted them.   I am at a loss as to why you were doing this when you were calling me out for changing my words and suggesting that I think very carefully before I do that and stating that nobody should edit their posts and stand by what they have said, meanwhile you are editing yours and denying your words.  I don't get it. 

    Some of the deleted posts might be the disappearing posts, they get lost within the thread and can be deemed to be deleted when they haven't been. 

  • NAS35494 8 minutes ago in reply to Lonewarrior
    Did you edit your post? I was responding to text stating that I seemed to be angry and to be raising my voice....maybe I went cross eyed and read two posts at once.......whatever! But that's what I was replying to, so I hope that gives some clarification.

    I am absolutely fine thank you.

    Where I cannot delete them I have edited them due to the points you made to me about my inadvertent use of us and we and my not wanting to be misunderstood as being angry or electing my self as a spokesperson for everyone here. So to diffuse the situation and prevent any misunderstandings.

    If it helps at all I screen captured all the replies on here as my memory is rather bad, I could repost them if you Like?

    you have made my replies look wrong.narebyountrying tonhide something,

  • Did you edit your post? I was responding to text stating that I seemed to be angry and to be raising my voice....maybe I went cross eyed and read two posts at once.......whatever!  But that's what I was replying to, so I hope that gives some clarification.

    I am absolutely fine thank you. 

    Where I cannot delete them I have edited them due to the points you made to me about my inadvertent use of us and we and my not wanting to be misunderstood as being angry or electing my self as a spokesperson for everyone here. So to diffuse the situation and prevent any misunderstandings. 

  • “NAS35494 13 minutes ago in reply to Lonewarrior
    Not angry. No raised voice. Not taken personally.

    Calm pragmatic analysis.

    Thank you for your concern.”

    I don’t understand your reply to me?

    i did not say you were angry or that you raised your voice?

    are you ok? You keep deleting or editing your posts!

    can I be of any help to you

    ?

  • Not angry. No raised voice. Not taken personally.

    Calm pragmatic analysis.

    Thank you for your concern.

  • Well NAS35494 !Erm,well if the ND friend sounded anything like you then I am not suprised they were struggling to communicate?

    you seem to be taking the comments personally?

    . Can I ask why you feel it necessary to take the replies personally?

    if I can help in any way then please feel free to talk. 

  • Pardon my ND honesty,  

  • I too accept that it is not working for me and I have to move on. 

    I am very disappointed that I came here, except for receiving one considerable advice. I seriously wanted someone to rescue me and us. I like my friend so much but we do have so many arguments. Then, she closed her door to communicate with me after she found Asperger’s friend...although we tried to fix our friendship before.

    People here seem to think of only person with Asperger’s. They never think of or imagine that others who want to have better relationship with Asperger’s people. They keep telling me how much they suffer but never think about how much their friends suffer too.......I now know that this is typical Asperger’s people’s perceptions.

    I did not come to here to feel being attacked or guilty but to gain sensible advice.....I wish I could have actual examples how others manage to make or develop their relationship...

    However, I still do believe that appreciation and gratitude are the most important for us to live. Therefore. I try to appreciate that I have met my friend, that I met various opinions here including hostile ones and that I learned no wonder it is so hard to create great relationships with Asperger’s people.

    Please, people with Asperger’s, remember that your friends or partner or family too struggle because it is difficult for them to understand you guys.