autistic and be good at small talk and friendly and polite

Hello,

Because of his total lack of empathy and after 25 years of marriage, I think my partner may have an autism disordre.

He is rather introvert when the conversation goes in a personal direction, never talks about personal things to me and he does not really register the things I say.

Now it feels as he has never registered anything I said (dreams, plans, wishes) in all this years.

When I talk him about a problem, he will come with a solution and sometimes there are no solutions. I cannot quit my job because of a mobbing issue f.i.

But I  never got  comfort or empathy.  And I mean never in all this 25 years.  He would rather leave the room and start shouting.

It seems to me that problems are a lot of stress for him.    For the rest,  he focusses at lot on this job but never talked to me about certain plans, family projects in the future etc.  He just lives form one day to another.  Likes to clean and to put all things in the right place at home.  But is terrible in household administration. (has a degree in economics)

He has a high level sales manager who has not been at home a lot during all this years. 

Sometimes I think that family was a lot of stress and this  way he could get away for it all.  The normal family life with ups and down, children laughing an fighting, crying..

Than on the other hand with other people he is rather social, he is not bad at small talk  at all.  He is key account manager so he has to do a lot of talking.

People say to me, your partner autistic? he is so social!  Impossible.

So the talks a lot but never about himself and when we are together with friends.  I miss depth in the conservations and he often tells the same stories from the past over and over again.

So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre  at the same time? At home he is  a very serious guy with little needs or interests and less friendly with this own family than with other friends and people.

Thanks for your reaction

  • Too true....but a lifetime of conditioning and also how we have patched ourselves up with our hit and miss interpretations of what the rules are (others rules)...

    ditch the rules, lose the performance anxiety, just to "be" does not mean we do not care...that true acceptance of self is a very human ideology, not just for us miswired miscreants! xx 

    But it will if we no longer use it as our yard stick to beat ourselves up with. It was simply a miss understanding, we were, we are and we will always be good enough, just as we are :) 
  • Thank you ellie, well yes I never really looked at my life like that but yes you are right, Even that is a challenge and I strive hard to make it work, not always the right choices but still feel the need to forge on.

    I know I mark myself . I have felt to many times that I wasn’t good enough, mostly through the fact I just didn’t get a point, I give it my all only to be told I was wrong anyway. 

    Thank you so very much for opening my eyes to such viewpoints.

    x()x

  • Thank you friend. () x

  • I think we’re the judge, jury and the hanging man and we often find ourselves guilty as charged, to charges we charged ourself with, when all the while, nobody else gives a *** and we’re all in pieces because we didn’t or even if we did, get 100% perfection, sometimes it’s just as hard even when we do make the grade! I guess we’ve grown up with a sense of never feeling quite good enough so now we have a belief that whatever we do it won’t be good enough and even if it is, we still have to do better because that deep down feeling of not feeling good enough just won’t go away. But it will if we no longer use it as our yard stick to beat ourselves up with. It was simply a miss understanding, we were, we are and we will always be good enough, just as we are :) 

  • You know what, Lonewarrior, I don’t think you will need quite as much luck as you think. I’ve been playing this kind of game thing on my phone, it’s actually a brain trainer type thing, I think is what it’s called. Anyway, it’s called lumosity and what I’ve noticed over the last few weeks or so that I’ve been playing it everyday is that when I achieve a certain level on one of the games, when I do really well for example, I kind of go to pieces, thinking that’s it, I’ll never attain that level again and my tendency is to want to go back to previous, easier, levels. But what I’ve noticed, is that if I keep going, I do achieve that level again and I go beyond (lack of confidence in the self). I have also noticed how much pressure I put on myself to get better and better and I’m teaching myself that it’s also ok to not do so well sometimes and that practice really does make perfect or rather, if we want to be good at something we just have to practice often enough. I think we have a tendency to expect ourselves to be perfect, every time, even if it’s the first time we’ve ever done it. What I’m saying is, we put all this pressure on ourselves, which effects everything. So it’s not that we need ‘help’ as such, but a closer more intimate more understanding relationship with ourselves. For example, I’ve learned so much about my tendencies etc over the last few weeks or months or whatever, while I’ve been playing these games, and also by coming on here. I think what I’m saying is yes, we do need help and support but we can give ourselves more of it than we think. Good luck anyway, not that I think you need it, but because it’s a nice thing to say to a friend and it’s nice to hear it from a friend. I’m getting giddy because I’ve actually got friends, who are just like me! :-)

  • I need help. I am a victim of my own ability to strive for perfection in everything I do, I study hard, I learn everything associated with any task as I only accept 100%, so trying to research all aspects of health and safety as I have completed a coarse as a health and safety supervisor.

    I am sure, that like me, that statement could be applied to all aspects of your existence, not just the workplace.

    we study hard....but who marks the test? you or others? to whose standard are you grading yourself against, and to whose standard are they marking you? x

  • Hi just to reinforce my position.

    I have recently been having to mask up.interact so much for work with new customers,operational staff, 

    It is taking its toll on me,

    constant unorganised work. New sites, strange unknown places, different standards of health and safety, different levels of approved code of practice depending on the site, all supposedly working from the same rule book.

    One minute I am just a worker, as in getting dirty,getting stuck in, then suddenly having to adjust myself to be a manager which is my main job, then being an understanding team leader, then on occasion having to act like a stern boss, mostly to reinforce the safety equipment that is mandatory.

    So there’s me wanting to be given clear instruction for the work that is being done! (Not forthcoming or correct)

    having to adapt to each character trait in an instant. 

    I need help. I am a victim of my own ability to strive for perfection in everything I do, I study hard, I learn everything associated with any task as I only accept 100%, so trying to research all aspects of health and safety as I have completed a coarse as a health and safety supervisor.

    I have become very successful. I seem to cope well in each specific area, worker,friend,boss,go between,informer,advisor.

    All this I struggle with, Wednesday of this week I felt so anxious in the morning I felt sick, my mind was struggling, I nearly turned around as I got closer to our offices, I forced myself to go. I was stressing so much I was in my view stimming! Constantly counting as I was driving along, counting everything, signs,white lines,cars,fence posts, everything my eyes fell upon. It helped a bit but I was sweating and was nearly physically sick when I got there.

    all this was just as I felt when attending school. Back then I would truant often,

    I knew that morning,

    I had to go to a new private house to do some work,relevant as all my normal work us for a very big company with strict guidelines and rules a plenty,basjcally structured,easy to follow.

    This private job had none, 

    There was very little information as to just what was Required?,no plans, 

    Also my usual work mate was not in! So I was to work with an agency worker of unknown capability,unknown age,unknown race which in itself is no worry apart from the potential for language difficulties.

    Just to many unknowns all coming together st once, I just couldn’t mask for each all at one time.

    It turned out to be not so bad, the agency guy was Romanian and spoke very good English, was very nice, very helpful, 

    The job turned out to be relatively simple, meaning not much material to organise etc,

    In a few weeks I am expected to take on a very big contract, me not doing much manual work as I will be monitoring and acting as go between for workers and site controllers, many different trades on site. All needing supervision, lots of new faces, lots of organising. 

    I will dress smart in manager style clothes, this gives me confidence as the look can give instant belief by others I am a manager.

    wish me luck,I feel I will need it.

    Apologies for the long post but missed the forum when it was “ down for essential maintenance”, Well it had a breakdown. I think?

    x()x()x()x

  • How "friendly" are you with him?

  • That’s right, and it wouldn’t matter how much effort we put into it, we still wouldn’t have any friends. Unless we’re post diagnosis and we know who we are. But our friendships may look different to neurotypical friendships, or they might not. We’re all different. 

  • He has no friends left from his time in school, university.   If he would do an effort, I am sure he could have maintained a certain friendship with one or two.   But deep friends, he does not have them.

    Well, I think that's a pretty good indicator of likely ASD traits, actually. You've effectively said his "friends" are your friends, and he has no friends of his own.

    This has a ring of familiarity that I am sure many of us here can appreciate.

  • 21 years ago we moved to this apartment and I was the one who found it.  It was at acceptable distance from both my work and the firm he worked for at the time.   A couple of weeks, before signing the lease, my employer told me that they would move the office into the city.  They were looking for offices in town.  So, I said let´s us wait and not move for the moment.  I was like 9 months pregnant t from my second child.  So for practical reasons, it would be better to wait   But he got rather furious, he did not want to hear about it, he had seen enough apartments....  And that is exactly what bothers me, his inability to put himself in my situation, and his inability to reflect and say, you may be right. I come with a proposal, I change my mind.   And that is what stresses him, I think.  Then later he got a job in another town.  There was no reason to stay in the area and the kids were still small. (we will move after 21 years, my daughter lives already in the city, my son will leave our home this Friday.)  A lot of emotions for me and I have begun to reflect about these 21 years.  

    When we would be in trouble, I am sure there would be some that would help us.  The friends here he has are the husbands of the friends I have here.  For the rest I don´t  believe that he has a friend that he really can talk to.  He has no friends left from his time in school, university.   If he would do an effort, I am sure he could have maintained a certain friendship with one or two.   But deep friends, he does not have them.

  • I" apparently have sudden outbursts at home, She has said why can you be like that to complete strangers but not like it with me, I am always seen as easy to get on with, Well of coarse I am,I give them what they expect."

    Exactly, the same thing I say to my husband.  Oh, yes and I think most people also see him as some easy to get on with.  And his is.  They get what they expect, the right replies.  But at home so different.  This shortness, anger.  Sometime I think I am the trigger for his outbursts.  Sometimes I tell a close friend about how he can act at home and than they say, really. I cannot imagine.

    Why aren´t you angry at our friends?  He said that there they are not doing anything wrong.

    Good luck and thank you for helping me.

  • I would love a break...a time away to centre myself... as stephenharris says life can be @ real challenge but we mask so well and our voice gets stifled 

  • Yes I now what you mean,   No my husband has to take "forced vacation" every year in december because he was not able to take time  off of during the year.  I can very well imagine that taking a break could be necessary. 

  • Some of us are good at faking social interaction, but we're crying up inside.

  • Just wanted to say after reading all of the questions and answers I know this man,I share so much, I really do, I thought my wife was writing it about me! It freaked me out, I actually asked her if she had!

    I do however share my feelings at home,I struggle to explain them,I hold back,but when they come they come with intensity,I become overwhelmed at times and push away when I really want to pull, I reject comfort when I am feeling low, I just get frustrated when offered comforting,? I still don’t know why?,it causes a lot of misunderstanding with my wife, but emotions nonetheless.

    I adapt to each and every person, it tires me out, I work outside,most jobs last a few days,so new people,new customers,I often feel totally run down appeasing others,

    We work for a big concern mostly, I turn up at a new area, meet the guy in charge and instantly start telling them how little they are appreciated by the big bosses, (true) I know they are all less than happy about certain management things, so instant connection. I tell of previous  areas I have worked and the struggles I see from there counterparts (true) I find out there niggles and empathise with them, why because I need them on side, they can stop my work,loose us the entire contract, and I enjoy allowing them to feel appreciated, I do appreciate the hard work they do, quite often going unnoticed.so I don’t actually lie or deceive, I couldn’t do that, it is not in my nature, yes I perform as It isn’t who I really am. I wouldn’t work so hard to gain there acceptance if I had a choice, I would just focus on my work,give it total ability from me,

    I apparently have sudden outbursts at home, She has said why can you be like that to complete strangers but not like it with me, I am always seen as easy to get on with, Well of coarse I am,I give them what they expect.

    I have been known to change my voice or accent,I did not realise it my wife pointed it out to me afterwards,

    I don’t have any magic answers, I have many things to understand about myself, I am learning still, 

    I am sure he loves you all, he struggles to show it,pushes away instead of facing it, I do a bit,I also assume my love is a given understanding as I am still here working hard and doing everything I am supposed to,why should I keep telling someone the obvious?

    You say his family do not show any emotion,maybe as a child he stopped crying as his parents convinced him it was a weakness,

    If I think I have upset someone I feel so much pain,I do not show it,I hide it inside, I actually become more cold to cover my pain or emotions.

    ?

    He has survived many years hiding his emotions, It keeps him from hurting,to accept and reveal would mean allowing pain and a belief he is weak, I don’t think he can accept less than perfect, To him with his upbringing it would mean failure and feeling very weak,broken,childlike.

    I can only guess and offer my own experiences of my life, I have only in the last few months begun to be aware of my apparent weaknpoints or failures,

    I am however able to accept them and try to change them, however I must still be myself, the true me, I believe I can co exhist but need understanding for who I am, I am not broken or wrong,just different way of thinking,

    Take care,()

    r-31.

    v-173.

    s-25.

    15-01-2018.

    01:35.

  • I wasn't mentioning it as a choice. I asked if you were prepared for potential outcomes. 

    Be careful what you wish for. 

    Good luck. 

  • Thanks for your support  but time off work, not, I do not think it would be possible.

  • Yes, I guess you may be right.   I  really think there is something that was not discovered and that could explain my frustration. I believe in the acting thing.  I am quite sure of this.  Too many situations where he was behaving rather weird. like adapting certain dialects when it fitted in the situations.   Yes, I remember saying the children, you are so different! in certain situations where he adapted himself to certain people or certain situations.   i am sure he is goodhearted.