Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
Because of his total lack of empathy and after 25 years of marriage, I think my partner may have an autism disordre.
He is rather introvert when the conversation goes in a personal direction, never talks about personal things to me and he does not really register the things I say.
Now it feels as he has never registered anything I said (dreams, plans, wishes) in all this years.
When I talk him about a problem, he will come with a solution and sometimes there are no solutions. I cannot quit my job because of a mobbing issue f.i.
But I never got comfort or empathy. And I mean never in all this 25 years. He would rather leave the room and start shouting.
It seems to me that problems are a lot of stress for him. For the rest, he focusses at lot on this job but never talked to me about certain plans, family projects in the future etc. He just lives form one day to another. Likes to clean and to put all things in the right place at home. But is terrible in household administration. (has a degree in economics)
He has a high level sales manager who has not been at home a lot during all this years.
Sometimes I think that family was a lot of stress and this way he could get away for it all. The normal family life with ups and down, children laughing an fighting, crying..
Than on the other hand with other people he is rather social, he is not bad at small talk at all. He is key account manager so he has to do a lot of talking.
People say to me, your partner autistic? he is so social! Impossible.
So the talks a lot but never about himself and when we are together with friends. I miss depth in the conservations and he often tells the same stories from the past over and over again.
So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre at the same time? At home he is a very serious guy with little needs or interests and less friendly with this own family than with other friends and people.
Thanks for your reaction
He sounds very much like me and I’m a female. It used to drive me crazy when my ex partner wanted to talk about emotional stuff. I couldn’t understand why he wanted to do it, it drove me crazy. When I mentioned it to friends, they said how lucky I was, they said they would love their husbands to talk more like this. I hated it. I thought it was a total waste of time and it annoyed the hell out of me.
I can be extremely sociable, if I want to be. The first thing my mum said to me when I told her I’m autistic, was, ‘but you’re so sociable’. I learned to be sociable because it sometimes had a benefit to me. Now that there is no benefit to me I rarely see anybody, including my family. I love my family very much and in some ways I would like to see more of them and spend more time with them, but there is no benefit to me to see them anymore. I’m going to attempt again today to go and see my dad, he only lives a very short walk away from me and is currently having treatment for cancer, but even knowing that and me wanting to go, doesn’t mean I will.
I’ve never had ‘interests’ or hobbies in the way that other people have. I've never spoke of ‘future plans’ or anything like that. Although for the first time in my life, since my diagnosis at age 50, I have actually finally got some future plans. I could never understand that question, ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years time’. I have never understood it but I am working towards some actual real life plans now, which is very exciting.
I appear to not care about anybody, not even my family. My dad used to say I had a brick where I should have a heart, but he couldn’t be further from the truth. I just love, think, process and see the world in a different way.
I have observed my parents (I’ve observed everybody, that’s how I learned to be sociable) and I have considered if I’m the way I am just because I copied them etc, but there are too many things about me that can’t be denied. This lead me to get an assessment for autism last year. And it was the best thing I ever did because now I can begin to really understand myself. All autistic people are different but I definitely recognise myself in your husband, from what you have said.
I could be very sociable one minute, I could go out and be the star of the party, I could appear to be having a great time, then come home and sit in silence for days and my choice would be to sit in silence because that feels natural, going to a party isn’t and now I understand myself better, I won’t be going to many more parties. And the years of me performing, appearing sociable etc, has had its toll on me and now I can barely get out of bed. This is only temporary for me as well as necessary. I feel like I’m detoxing myself from all the years of ‘masking’ so it’s good, but this time round, when I’m back on my feet, I will be designing things very differently.
Your husband might be very happy with his life, it sounds like he is. He’s very lucky to have a wife who loves him and supports him. When I’m cooking, I’m the same as him, always cleaning up as I go. It’s great that he can do that with you. But probably more for your sake than his, it would probably be advisable to get an assessment. It was the best thing I ever did, but that doesn’t mean it will be the best thing for everybody else and it has been a roller coaster ride, post diagnosis, it hasn’t been exactly easy and I’ve even started to take antidepressants (they are actually helping but not because I’m depressed, because I’m not depressed, even though it looks like I am). But it would give you answers and it could help your relationship tremendously. A diagnosis doesn’t change anything of course but it would give you both more understanding. The diagnosis can be quite a shock, even if you’re expecting it or then again it might not be. We are all different, we all have different reasons for going for the assessment but it’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into trying to understand your husband, so it would at least give you the answers you’ve been seeking. Have you discussed this with your husband?
Thank you for your response.
Yes I talked to him about it. He said that he would accept to do a test, if am willing to do something about my depression. Depression is an illness that can only be cured by a doctor. according to him (but he will not understand that there is a connection between my depression and the way he is)
So, i said to him, you think there might be something autistic about you. No no, this is only to do you a favor.
So I will go into therapy because I need help and I hope that he will do this test.
I am almost sure of the result.