Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
Because of his total lack of empathy and after 25 years of marriage, I think my partner may have an autism disordre.
He is rather introvert when the conversation goes in a personal direction, never talks about personal things to me and he does not really register the things I say.
Now it feels as he has never registered anything I said (dreams, plans, wishes) in all this years.
When I talk him about a problem, he will come with a solution and sometimes there are no solutions. I cannot quit my job because of a mobbing issue f.i.
But I never got comfort or empathy. And I mean never in all this 25 years. He would rather leave the room and start shouting.
It seems to me that problems are a lot of stress for him. For the rest, he focusses at lot on this job but never talked to me about certain plans, family projects in the future etc. He just lives form one day to another. Likes to clean and to put all things in the right place at home. But is terrible in household administration. (has a degree in economics)
He has a high level sales manager who has not been at home a lot during all this years.
Sometimes I think that family was a lot of stress and this way he could get away for it all. The normal family life with ups and down, children laughing an fighting, crying..
Than on the other hand with other people he is rather social, he is not bad at small talk at all. He is key account manager so he has to do a lot of talking.
People say to me, your partner autistic? he is so social! Impossible.
So the talks a lot but never about himself and when we are together with friends. I miss depth in the conservations and he often tells the same stories from the past over and over again.
So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre at the same time? At home he is a very serious guy with little needs or interests and less friendly with this own family than with other friends and people.
Thanks for your reaction
Hi, you seem a very emotional and empathetic person, and since we all tend to think other people see the world the way we do (until we find out otherwise and that can hurt at times), could it be that this is leading to a communication gap? Like if you say your son can read how you feel just from looking at you. Your husband can't, so do you tell him together with what you would like him to do? Some people just have the gift to sense that somehow, but not everybody does and it doesn't mean that all the people who don't do not care about others. There could be a lot of things that seem completely obvious to you so if he doesn't react in the way you wish he would you may imply that he doesn't care (possibly without even being conscious of thinking this). The same with other wishes. You may give him little hints, being convinced that he understands perfectly well what you want but decides not to let you have it. Maybe try to be more blunt, even if that feels really weird to you, to him it may be just precise enough to act accordingly.
Oh yes, I told him about all my wishes and dreams. A lot in the past. When we saw this nice apartment not far from a river, I told him how nice it would be if we could just go out and walk along it and have a coffee somewhere. Perhaps not enough. It also talked a lot about dreams, problems, wishes when we were together with close friends, in the hope that he would react somehow and he could not run away. I asked him not so long why he did not react. He replies and that things said in a round with people with a glass if wine do not count. I think tried in the best way I could. But I also think he is copying his father as his father never took his mother seriously either. His brother has an medical confirmed child too. I really don´t now. But thanks for your reply.