Because of his total lack of empathy and after 25 years of marriage, I think my partner may have an autism disordre.
He is rather introvert when the conversation goes in a personal direction, never talks about personal things to me and he does not really register the things I say.
Now it feels as he has never registered anything I said (dreams, plans, wishes) in all this years.
When I talk him about a problem, he will come with a solution and sometimes there are no solutions. I cannot quit my job because of a mobbing issue f.i.
But I never got comfort or empathy. And I mean never in all this 25 years. He would rather leave the room and start shouting.
It seems to me that problems are a lot of stress for him. For the rest, he focusses at lot on this job but never talked to me about certain plans, family projects in the future etc. He just lives form one day to another. Likes to clean and to put all things in the right place at home. But is terrible in household administration. (has a degree in economics)
He has a high level sales manager who has not been at home a lot during all this years.
Sometimes I think that family was a lot of stress and this way he could get away for it all. The normal family life with ups and down, children laughing an fighting, crying..
Than on the other hand with other people he is rather social, he is not bad at small talk at all. He is key account manager so he has to do a lot of talking.
People say to me, your partner autistic? he is so social! Impossible.
So the talks a lot but never about himself and when we are together with friends. I miss depth in the conservations and he often tells the same stories from the past over and over again.
So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre at the same time? At home he is a very serious guy with little needs or interests and less friendly with this own family than with other friends and people.
Thanks for your reaction
NAS36023 said:So my question is it possible to be that social and have an autistic disordre at the same time?
Very much so yes, in that just as there are people on the Lower Functional range of the Social Interaction, Imagination and Communication Triad of Autistic Impairments ~ there are those on the Higher Functional range, as are more usually recognised in cases of Asperger's Syndrome, which involves ~ like autism in general ~ a narrow or singular range of specialised interests. People with A.S. can be very technical and highly detailed indeed regarding their interests ~ to the exclusion of all else in some cases.
Perhaps then your husband may have Asperger's Syndrome possibly, as in the more socially functional sense involving what is referred to as social camouflaging, or social masking.
Quite possibly,,,yes, does he have any special interests that demand his total focus, does he collect lots of things as in coins,stamps,rocks,tools,anything but to excessive levels.
I exhibit many of his traits,not all,but many.
I am 55 Male and self diagnosed Aspergers, I am married many years,have two grown up daughters.
However I have highly sensitive emotions, and am able to socialise to fit any type, I adapt to their expectations, at work they call me the diplomat as I can work with the worst clients beyond the tolerance of most.
I wish you well, please read the books suggested by Deepthought,watch videos on YouTube,by Tony Attwood, he is able to explain autism and Aspergers in a way that both autistic and neurotypical( normal) people can understand.
Thank you. No he does not collect things. The only thing he focusses on is his job and at home household issues. He will stand next to me at the stove, so that he can clean away everything right away. I get a lot of orders on what to do and how to do it.. He cannot not stand certain noises, like the slamming of a door. For me is not slamming, it is just closing. My son sniffing his noice too loud. It does not disturb me at all but it disturbs him.
He does not have a passion. I have many and I believe he is not able to understand this. He can talk in a very monotone way and sometimes he misses the clue in the conversation. Emotional conversation are not possible, but sometimes I think, isn´t this typically for a man?
Not showing emotions, not showing compassions. To be honest, in a way I get more empathy and compassion from my parents. I have a serious medical issue, but he does not seem to worry. He does not see if I feel sad. My son, who is different will already notice this by just looking at me.
When I observe his parents, I see there is no mental or physical interaction but they have such a big social network and they somehow survived this. We do not have this network as we are both foreigners living abroad. His mother does not show emotions. She told me that she was not able to cry when her parents died.
His parents told me that he cried really a lot as an infant and that when he was 5, he said I will never cry again and he never did. Also that he always behaved like an adult and never like a child. He had not many close friends as a child. Our marriage was rather not that happy with a lot of frustration. A good friend told me a long time ago, your husband seems not take into account your wishes.
So I think now he was not able to visualise or feel what I really wanted. Like how it would be to live in another place. He could not imagine how it would be to live as a family there. That is why we never moved. I wanted this mutual thing, the mutual emotional imagination and so we stayed where were are, although I was not really happy in the neigbourhood. How I see it now, a home is just a roof above the head for him. So this is just one of the many examples I could give.
For the rest he never told me of his plans for the future. Never I wanna do this or this and I feel like that his job was the most important thing in his life and not his family.
So I am looking for reasons and the fact that he could be autistic somehow, would be like aha,that is why.or is it because he was just raised in a family where emotions where just not shown?
He is really not a bad guy, I know this, but is difficult. He is very generous and to most he looks like an ideal husband. Always very friendly to others different when we are alone.
I am depressed since more than 10 years. I have lost a lot of self-confidence. When we go out with friends, I feel invisible and I feel like he is there on his own.
I hope to find a way to cope with this.
Hi, you seem a very emotional and empathetic person, and since we all tend to think other people see the world the way we do (until we find out otherwise and that can hurt at times), could it be that this is leading to a communication gap? Like if you say your son can read how you feel just from looking at you. Your husband can't, so do you tell him together with what you would like him to do? Some people just have the gift to sense that somehow, but not everybody does and it doesn't mean that all the people who don't do not care about others. There could be a lot of things that seem completely obvious to you so if he doesn't react in the way you wish he would you may imply that he doesn't care (possibly without even being conscious of thinking this). The same with other wishes. You may give him little hints, being convinced that he understands perfectly well what you want but decides not to let you have it. Maybe try to be more blunt, even if that feels really weird to you, to him it may be just precise enough to act accordingly.
Oh yes, I told him about all my wishes and dreams. A lot in the past. When we saw this nice apartment not far from a river, I told him how nice it would be if we could just go out and walk along it and have a coffee somewhere. Perhaps not enough. It also talked a lot about dreams, problems, wishes when we were together with close friends, in the hope that he would react somehow and he could not run away. I asked him not so long why he did not react. He replies and that things said in a round with people with a glass if wine do not count. I think tried in the best way I could. But I also think he is copying his father as his father never took his mother seriously either. His brother has an medical confirmed child too. I really don´t now. But thanks for your reply.