Antisocial vs not being very good at being social

I wonder how many of us are seen as being antisocial when the issue is more a difficulty in knowing how to, or a fear/aversion to socially engaging with others?
Is there a tendency for some people to conflate sociopathy with ASD/Asperger's/Autism?

  • well the problem is us aspies cant read other people and adjust our social imagination accordingly. For example a criminal looking person might offer us something and we except because we want to be friends but later find ourselves in trouble with the law.. We couldn't read the situation and what other peoples intentions are. Its fascinating I've gone my whole life oblivious to social protocol but I'm learning these things now that seem to come as second nature to other people

  • I can definitely relate to this. I find meeting people for the first time very easy, but following that up and establishing a relationship is something I haven't been able to figure out. Sometimes it's because I don't input much into a relationship because of this, other times we don't match that well - it's not something you can force, so I'm not too concerned about it to be honest. "Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave" works for me! <3

  • I am not very sociable.  Antisocial I am not, well in my understanding of the modern use of antisocial that is.  Antisocial to me is making a criminal nuisance of oneself, graffiti, wanton destruction etc.  And that could not be further from me. I would prefer the term 'unsocial' or my preferred 'unsociable'.

    As regards being sociable or unsociable, I can talk to strangers.  And annoy them to bits.  Once started about anything, it is difficult to shut me up. And I don't really think it is meaningful conversation. It is very one-sided.  To shopkeepers, people at the bus stop, people in the queue to be served.  I can certainly talk!

    But at the same time, if someone wants to know about me, or asks me questions, I can either freeze up, just answer in monosyllables appear to be very rude, or may give a full account of me, even sometimes with inappropriate detail, not being interested in the other person at all.  Which is not really how I want to come across.

    I think my apparent 'ease' at talking to others as mentioned above is honed over years of acting someone I am not in order to appear neurotypical.  It is a mask, it makes me anxious afterwards and I wonder why I do it.  Some sort of logorrhoea I suppose. And this must also mark me out as 'odd'.

    When it comes to 'mixing' with people, I am very much a loner.  I prefer to be left on my own, only occasionally joining others in activities and that is only in activities in which I take an interest.  But this soon wears off and I am out on my own again.  Even when out with my wife, we end up just going somewhere and separating, perhaps bumping into each other occasionally (for example if we go to a park or some National Trust or English Heritage property).  This does not bother me at all, but my wife seems to get a little agitated by it at times.

  • Does anyone else find that if you do make a friend it's very difficult to keep the friendship going in the long term? Maybe it's just me, but most of the time they start losing interest after a few months. It seems to me that they are expecting something more, but I don't know what it is. I can do small talk up to a point, but I do tend to run out of new things to say, so perhaps they get bored or have interpreted my social inadequacy as an insult.

  • I could take a week off work and be quite happy not speaking to or interacting with anyone for that whole week, I don't feel a need to.

    That's precisely what I'm doing this week!  I'm off until 23rd.  I'll probably see no one except shop staff in that time.

  • This describes me. However I can go a easily go a month without seeing a person "factor depending".... Currently out of work :( which means life is boring and I don't like showing myself to friends when I'm a failure so I have my reasons..... Then the fight for help from doctors is exhausting... previously 8 years in employment......

  • I feel for those who are desperate to find friends.  It's just not for me

    I find the same, although it's hard to describe to an extent. I have a small number of friends and I would miss them if they weren't there long term, but that is because they are friends now rather than because of any longing for friends specifically. I've become accustomed to their presence in my life and I'd miss it if they weren't there, I genuinely care for them and they me. The same with family, it's important to me and I care about them deeply.

    That being said I don't need people, I could take a week off work and be quite happy not speaking to or interacting with anyone for that whole week, I don't feel a need to. In some kind of apocalyptic scenario I could quite easily function on my own or as some kind of hermit.

    That side of things can make friendship difficult, it takes effort to maintain friendships and for me as there often isn't the driver of needing human interaction it can be easy to not speak to people. I make a conscious effort to do it and when I make myself I more often than not enjoy it. There have also been people in my life I genuinely enjoy spending time with, that I miss when I don't see and speak to them and who I've deeply connected with.

  • This sounds exactly like me, it's really difficult to remember to reciprocate with questions like "Did you have a good Christmas?" because it IS very much forced and I can't believe that it doesn't sound forced. While i'm thinking this they've finished with their answer, which I obviously wasn't listening to and it's now my turn to speak - but because I wasn't listening I have no idea what to say next. It's horrible. 

  • It's definitely possible. When people see you and meet you, they aren't going to know that you have autism, or have any other reason to have issues with socialising. So if they notice you aren't interacting "normally", they are much more likely to think that it is "just how you are", rather than a underlying condition. And as people don't generally want to investigate why someone is not being socially normal, so they just call it sociopathic and move on. 

    <3

  • Yes.  I'm 'social'... but only because, in certain situations, I have to be.  I think I'm probably more 'asocial'.

    I remember once bumping into an old acquaintance who asked me what I was up to.  I said I was writing a book.  He then said 'Oh, I've got a friend who's a bit of writer.  I told him about you.  Maybe you'd like to get in touch.'  I was straight into 'flight mode'!  But I said 'Okay', and he gave me the chap's email address.  I could have chucked it away.  But I felt that I ought to make contact rather then seem unfriendly.  So I sent a message.  Big mistake!  He sent me a file with one of his books and asked for an opinion.  I skipped through it.  It was okay.  I gave him some feedback.  After that, I got inundated with emails, suggesting we meet up for a coffee.  That's not something I do!  In the end, though - again, being a people-pleaser - I agreed.  I didn't enjoy the experience at all, and it soon became clear that all he was after was some pointers about agents to approach, publishers, etc.  I told him I couldn't really help, as I didn't know anyone.  He then said 'But you've had a book published.  You must know someone.'  I pointed out it was a small publisher, and I didn't make any money out of it.  But he was persistent.  'Can't you at least tell me who it was?'  I gave him the name, as it seemed unreasonable not to.  But I stipulated that they only handled books on certain themes, and his book didn't qualify.  Didn't stop him approaching them, though, and name-dropping.  Same with the agent I'd used, who was a little pee'd off about it.  Then I started getting more emails from this chap, saying we should meet up again.  He even invited me to one of his parties.  I tried, as politely as I could, explaining the situation.  I didn't want to pursue the acquaintance in any way, but I just told him that I had social anxiety problems and didn't like parties, and politely thanked him for the offer.  Next thing, I have a terse email going on about 'some people like to make themselves hermits,' etc. 

    That's a more extreme example, but it seems to be fairly typical of many human interactions I've had over the years.  And then people wonder why I don't encourage friendships.

    Also, I recently joined a Facebook group for people with Asperger's.  Almost immediately, one of the other members noticed that I live in the same town as he does, so he commented on my 'Thanks for the add' post to ask if he could message me.  I replied that I prefer to get to know people first, and he was quite understanding.  But not long afterwards, he was posting to ask if he could become 'friends' with other people who might be local to him.  As far as I know, he didn't get any replies.  I feel for those who are desperate to find friends.  It's just not for me.

  • Someone on another forum mentioned being asocial vs being socially inept. As they said

    is a person a hermit who chooses not to socialized, or is the person eager to socialize but to inept to do it right, and therefore afraid to socialize?

    My reply was .

    As for being asocial vs socially inept -surely it is possible to be both? I am both not driven to socialise and also anxious/nervous when I’m put in the position to socialise because I’m quite socially inept.
    I can see that it is possible too to be asocial and yet socially skilled.


    I guess I'm too asocial to make a big effort to improve on my social ineptness.

  • Yes, absolutely.  Also, because my experience with other people throughout life has been negative to a greater or lesser degree, I tend to be very wary and much less inclined to trust too much to others or go out of my way to be friendly with them.  I mostly interact with colleagues at work, and get on with the majority of them.  But I wouldn't want to be friends with them.  And I tend to keep conversations at a phatic level.  I've learned to reciprocate if people ask me about myself or show some interest in what I do.  For instance, people might say 'Did you have a good Christmas', and I'll tell them about my Christmas... but then forget to ask about theirs.  Probably because I'm not really interested in small talk like that.  But, of course, it can seem unfriendly.

    I suppose, if I'm brutally honest, I don't really show much interest in other people or what they do.  Perhaps that makes me more 'anti-social'.

  • I have Asperger's, I don't have a huge amount of friends, I would say four close friends, the kind who would do anything to help and vice versa and maybe 20 wider friends but who aren't nearly as close.

    I don't think they see me as antisocial, but they all see me as totally honest, which can often be brutally honest. I know that it's a trait that my close friends really appreciate, in always tell it like it is, but other people may see that as antisocial. I'm aware I don't have the filters that are normal in social situations but I think many people would see me as a bit awkward rather than antisocial.

  • Very perceptive.

    This describes me and I suspect many people on the spectrum.

  • Yes, sounds familiar. The really odd thing is that when things are o.k. for me I'm seen as very helpful, easy to approach and other positive things, but when something is wrong and I overreact (because I may actually be reacting to something entirely different) then people find it most logical that my character must have changed or they suddenly interpret the same things that were once seen as positives in a completely negative way and again this can only be explained by a bad character change.