Totally Stuck and Need Practical Help and Some TLC

All my life I haven't quite fitted in, and I was hoping I was finally going to get a clear answer to what the problem is. Although the signs pointed to it being Aspergers, I didn't really care what the outcome was, as long as it was something clear and concise, so I could tell people what it is in a few words, and have clarity for my own benefit. Apparently I show some features of ASD, especially in social interaction, but "don't meet the full criteria for an ASD diagnosis". Reading through the relevant parts of DSM5, I tend to agree with that, but I find a lot more that fits when I read other stuff that's written about ASD. I also have "features of low mood and anxiety, especially social anxiety and some traits of anxious avoidant personality". Despite really struggling to get things done, I apparently don't have a deficit in executive functioning, and that problem is due to low mood. I thought low mood was something you were supposed to see your GP about if you had it for more than a couple of weeks, but I've had it for about 60 years!

I'd already pretty much switched off from the world while I was waiting for my assessment, and in the 18 months since getting the results I've switched off even more, so I now have almost no contact with anyone except my dog. How can I tell people that I've got a little bit of this, and a little bit of that, but haven't really got anything? I doubt if anyone would take me seriously. But I'm totally stuck, and can't see any future except being alone, lonely and struggling to cope, for the rest of my life. I've almost run out of energy, and hope, to keep going. Looking back, I can see that my life has been gradually falling apart for decades, and I'm now at the point where I'm in a situation I can't get out of without some serious practical help. I've never had a serious relationship, and don't think I've ever had any really close friends, but I need the sort of help and support I think only a partner or very close friends can give.

I can't go into detail, but the biggest problem I have at the moment relates to my house. If I sell, I'll lose a lot of money that I need to buy a decent home elsewhere, but if I stay I need to spend a lot of money doing it up, that will have to come from money that's effectively part of my barely adequate pension. At 62, I need a massive boost in my ability to cope with life to be able to earn much, if any, money. I totally freaked out an advisor at the CAB about 5 years ago with problem as it was then, who didn't have a clue where to start with the two lever arch files of paperwork I showed him!

At about the lowest point of my life, where I have almost no contact with other people, I think I need to fall in love for the first time, which might give me the energy I need to sort out the problems myself. Or I need a lot of hands on practical (and non judgmental) help to work out options, and carry them out, mostly involving building work and my personal finances. This really brings out what I'm sure is one of the biggest problems with me, my inability to make close connections with people, as all ideas I have for resolving things fall into a big black hole when I try to think about how I can get other people involved. I can't see that this type of support is available anywhere. So what can I do?

Parents
  • Hi johnsb,

    There was a lot going on in your post, so I am not sure I fully understood all of what you are currently facing. What I would like to offer is that, in my personal experience, I usually feel overwhelmed when thinking about big goals, as they always seem so far away and too large to manage or achieve. When this happens I try to remember that ‘every journey starts with a single step.’ By this I mean that, by taking one tiny step at a time, one after the other, reaching the big goal may eventually become only one small step away.

    But I do know how, when we are feeling really low, everything feels too much to manage, and everything kind of clumps together and feels like one big hopeless mess- but, these can be signs/symptoms of chronic depression, so, have you considered going to you GP about your possible depression?   

    When it comes to support there does seem to be very little out there, however, have you tried contacting charities, (such as Scope or Age Concern etc.) as they often have independent supporters who may be able to help you. And a local befriending scheme may be able to help with the loneliness and support you in getting out and about to meet people. When it comes to love I am no expert but joining local clubs (perhaps with a befriender for support) seem to be a good way of meeting people.

    When it comes to sorting out your house repairs- sometimes local councils run a scheme whereby they may help you financially to make repairs or improvements to your own home, the caveat being that, if you sell or after you die, you have to pay them back from the sale of your house. This scheme really helped my uncle (who has chronic arthritis) stay in his own home. He needed a new roof, new windows, heating, a stair lift and a disability friendly bathroom. I think this scheme is because it’s far cheaper for local councils to help people stay in their own homes rather than having to rehouse them if their current (privately owned) home is not suitable for them.

    Here is a link about the ‘Discretionary Home Repair Grant: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/moving-and-improving-your-home/help-with-home-improvements/

    Age UK and the Citizens Advice can probably help you find out more information about the grant too.

    Best of luck.

Reply
  • Hi johnsb,

    There was a lot going on in your post, so I am not sure I fully understood all of what you are currently facing. What I would like to offer is that, in my personal experience, I usually feel overwhelmed when thinking about big goals, as they always seem so far away and too large to manage or achieve. When this happens I try to remember that ‘every journey starts with a single step.’ By this I mean that, by taking one tiny step at a time, one after the other, reaching the big goal may eventually become only one small step away.

    But I do know how, when we are feeling really low, everything feels too much to manage, and everything kind of clumps together and feels like one big hopeless mess- but, these can be signs/symptoms of chronic depression, so, have you considered going to you GP about your possible depression?   

    When it comes to support there does seem to be very little out there, however, have you tried contacting charities, (such as Scope or Age Concern etc.) as they often have independent supporters who may be able to help you. And a local befriending scheme may be able to help with the loneliness and support you in getting out and about to meet people. When it comes to love I am no expert but joining local clubs (perhaps with a befriender for support) seem to be a good way of meeting people.

    When it comes to sorting out your house repairs- sometimes local councils run a scheme whereby they may help you financially to make repairs or improvements to your own home, the caveat being that, if you sell or after you die, you have to pay them back from the sale of your house. This scheme really helped my uncle (who has chronic arthritis) stay in his own home. He needed a new roof, new windows, heating, a stair lift and a disability friendly bathroom. I think this scheme is because it’s far cheaper for local councils to help people stay in their own homes rather than having to rehouse them if their current (privately owned) home is not suitable for them.

    Here is a link about the ‘Discretionary Home Repair Grant: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/moving-and-improving-your-home/help-with-home-improvements/

    Age UK and the Citizens Advice can probably help you find out more information about the grant too.

    Best of luck.

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