Accommodating NTs

Hi TenaciousT (great handle!)

I'm a 58-year-old male who was only diagnosed in 2015.  All of my life, though, I knew there was something 'different' with me as I always struggled with things that others seemed to take for granted: friendships, relationships, routine changes... and cohabitation arrangements of any kind.  Apart from when I was living at home, and during six months earlier this year when I was giving full-time nursing care to my mother in her home, I've only cohabited twice in my adult life.  The first occasion was when I was married.  I loved my ex-wife very much.  But I couldn't make it work - or it wouldn't work, whichever.  A large part of the reason, I now realise looking back, is that it threw me out of my natural psychological space.  I was used to having a certain order to things.  And that order all broke down, and I couldn't cope with it.  Silly things, maybe... but I would do all of the cleaning, and it had to be done all at once on a Friday evening to leave the weekend free (a routine I still keep to now).  I could only settle once it was done.  Because I did it all, I was conscious more of keeping the place clean and neat.  I would always, for instance, wipe my feet when I came in and take my shoes off before stepping over the carpet.  My ex-wife never would - even if her shoes were muddy and wet.  She almost did it deliberately, I think, in the end.  She'd just say 'Let it dry and clean it up then', which I couldn't do.  I couldn't leave it.  I tried reasoning by saying 'It wouldn't need doing at all if you just took your shoes off like I do.'  But no.  There were lots of other little niggles like this.  I did try very hard to compromise, I truly did.  But in the end, the sum total of lots of little things drove me to distraction.  I also am a person who needs his own space a lot, away from anyone.  My ex-wife respected this, to a degree - but then would often barge into the room I used on the pretext of getting something.  At the end of a couple of years together, I began to drink to cope with the anxieties all of this threw up.  By 4 years, it was all coming to pieces.  We finally divorced after 5 years.  My own perceived and admitted failure to work at it was a source of great grief for me for a long time afterwards.  Again, I say - I really did work at compromising.  The same in my second cohabitation relationship - except here, things were different in that my ex-partner insisted that I adapt to her needs much more.  She refused to do any chores at all - including shopping or laundry - because she found them "too exhausting".  She had BPD, but I actually believe CFS may have been at the root of things.  She refused to go out.  I could only talk to her when she wanted to talk.  Physical relations could only be when she wanted them, and in her preferred way - and they had to be over very quickly.  You could say, perhaps, that this was giving me a taste of my own medicine!  But again, with her, I compromised... until all I was doing was compromising.  Once again, I hit the bottle to cope.  Once again, it all blew up.

I now live alone out of choice.  In some ways, I think I just don't want to give anyone else the burden of having to put up with me - so at least I have that insight.  I know how hard it can be.  Like living with someone with a serious illness or physical disability, adaptations need to be made - and they can be taxing in even the most loving relationship.

Sorry... I'm not able to really offer any solutions.  Just my own perspective on it, from the ND side.  It's difficult, and I don't envy anyone who has to deal with it.  I hope there isn't genuine unkindness or stubbornness behind things in your situation, though you know it better than I do.  I think I know what you mean about how it seems to be being used as a weapon.  But that then means that you're an enemy in the camp.  Is that how you feel about it?

I hope others can offer some broader insights to help you.

Best wishes,

Tom

Hi TenaciousT (great handle!)

I'm a 58-year-old male who was only diagnosed in 2015.  All of my life, though, I knew there was something 'different' with me as I always struggled with things that others seemed to take for granted: friendships, relationships, routine changes... and cohabitation arrangements of any kind.  Apart from when I was living at home, and during six months earlier this year when I was giving full-time nursing care to my mother in her home, I've only cohabited twice in my adult life.  The first occasion was when I was married.  I loved my ex-wife very much.  But I couldn't make it work - or it wouldn't work, whichever.  A large part of the reason, I now realise looking back, is that it threw me out of my natural psychological space.  I was used to having a certain order to things.  And that order all broke down, and I couldn't cope with it.  Silly things, maybe... but I would do all of the cleaning, and it had to be done all at once on a Friday evening to leave the weekend free (a routine I still keep to now).  I could only settle once it was done.  Because I did it all, I was conscious more of keeping the place clean and neat.  I would always, for instance, wipe my feet when I came in and take my shoes off before stepping over the carpet.  My ex-wife never would - even if her shoes were muddy and wet.  She almost did it deliberately, I think, in the end.  She'd just say 'Let it dry and clean it up then', which I couldn't do.  I couldn't leave it.  I tried reasoning by saying 'It wouldn't need doing at all if you just took your shoes off like I do.'  But no.  There were lots of other little niggles like this.  I did try very hard to compromise, I truly did.  But in the end, the sum total of lots of little things drove me to distraction.  I also am a person who needs his own space a lot, away from anyone.  My ex-wife respected this, to a degree - but then would often barge into the room I used on the pretext of getting something.  At the end of a couple of years together, I began to drink to cope with the anxieties all of this threw up.  By 4 years, it was all coming to pieces.  We finally divorced after 5 years.  My own perceived and admitted failure to work at it was a source of great grief for me for a long time afterwards.  Again, I say - I really did work at compromising.  The same in my second cohabitation relationship - except here, things were different in that my ex-partner insisted that I adapt to her needs much more.  She refused to do any chores at all - including shopping or laundry - because she found them "too exhausting".  She had BPD, but I actually believe CFS may have been at the root of things.  She refused to go out.  I could only talk to her when she wanted to talk.  Physical relations could only be when she wanted them, and in her preferred way - and they had to be over very quickly.  You could say, perhaps, that this was giving me a taste of my own medicine!  But again, with her, I compromised... until all I was doing was compromising.  Once again, I hit the bottle to cope.  Once again, it all blew up.

I now live alone out of choice.  In some ways, I think I just don't want to give anyone else the burden of having to put up with me - so at least I have that insight.  I know how hard it can be.  Like living with someone with a serious illness or physical disability, adaptations need to be made - and they can be taxing in even the most loving relationship.

Sorry... I'm not able to really offer any solutions.  Just my own perspective on it, from the ND side.  It's difficult, and I don't envy anyone who has to deal with it.  I hope there isn't genuine unkindness or stubbornness behind things in your situation, though you know it better than I do.  I think I know what you mean about how it seems to be being used as a weapon.  But that then means that you're an enemy in the camp.  Is that how you feel about it?

I hope others can offer some broader insights to help you.

Best wishes,

Tom

Former Member - I really appreciate your candid description of how it has been to be in a relationship from your perspective. Particularly that you loved your partner, it simply didn't work anyway & you have regrets. It definitely helps to think that my hubby may experience regrets he's unable to express. Clearly you understand how i feel about being the one having to make the compromises but unlike me, you got out. Regrets or no, it sounds like you made the best decision. Everyone deserves their own soul & it sounds like you saved yours. Thanks for sharing that.

I smiled reading about some of the niggling issues you mention. Unlike the majority of folks i know on the spectrum, it's my spouse & daughter whose difficulties w/executive function mean chaos reigns in our environment! I'm the one setting up the shoe rack for muddy shoes whilst they're tramping thru the house never noticing or caring. I find these aspects unusual & really irritating. Frankly, after 25 years of marriage I'm tired of removing dirty socks from the stove top & explaining personal hygiene over & over. I thoroughly understand how that kind of irritation can really add up. I'm fortunate in that I've been able to kind of pare down some expectations - although reading your post & pondering makes me understand that I haven't really pared down enough. You're right that the environmental/cleanliness things are a big part of daily frustrations that leave me unable to better cope with bigger issues. So you've given me a step to take I didn't have before; perhaps there's an individual in these forums whose executive function issues lead to a chaotic environment. Perhaps hearing about that perspective will help me find ways to help hubby, daughter & me all meet an agreed upon standard for clean & tidy & stick to it. I've tried b4 with what I know as a teacher - lists, signs, assigned chores, visual cues, etc...but none have ever worked. Your words encourage me to find out why they didn't work & to recognize how much of an impact these environmental things are having on everything else. Thank you Tom! 

As for stubbornness or cruelty - Hubby's personality is very gentle, but I think the autism affects him to such a degree that he operates instinctively on all levels. He's unable to evaluate behaviour or words either b4 or after so there's never a bad intention. I suspect that regardless of ASD, he's just a stubborn fellow like many people are, but there's an inability to find or judge any flexibility because of the ASD. Again, not intentional, just extremely unaware. Daughter on the other hand, is higher functioning & despite regrets later, is often a right bully within the family. I love her profoundly, but am grateful that she's away at uni, home only for holidays, living on her own & liking it.

Thank you VERY MUCH Tom.