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Oh Ellie, I fully understand how you’re feeling. My heart goes out to you. But you are an incredible person, and you will come through this. Read the post I’m about to post, because you are central to it. Coming through this won’t always be pretty though, but that’s ok, nobody said it was supposed to be.

All I can offer is my experience. Of course we’re all different, but it helps to read the experience of others.

When I got my diagnosis, I thought I was going to feel relieved or excited, in some way. But I didn’t feel anything much at all really. I had a little inward smile, to at least get official recognition, but I didn’t really feel anything.

When I first approached the gp, however. I had a significant reaction, which I wasn’t expecting.

I felt so proud of myself in a way that I had never before felt. It was as if I was truly honouring myself for the first time ever and even though the diagnosis was still important, it felt less so. It was as if the act of me honouring myself was worth more than the diagnosis. It was that feeling that got me through the next 8 months while I waited for the assessment. I spent much of that time in the house, being autistic ;) researching American history and the romantics and all sorts of other great people.

What I wasn’t expecting, when I got the diagnosis, was the avalanche of feelings that followed. Which all left me completely exhausted.

When the Support worker/ wellbeing officer suggested I need to come to terms with the diagnosis. It struck me as a little strange.

I’m not sure that I thought I had ‘come to terms with it’. I had, in the beginning (pre-diagnosis) thought of it in a very positive way. I thought it was pretty wonderful and I felt lots of positive emotions. It hadn’t really occurred to me what it actually meant and I certainly wasn’t expecting what was to come.

Over the following days and weeks I experienced so many emotions and thoughts and realisations and transformations. In fact, looking back now, I’m no longer surprised by the magnitude of the exhaustion I’ve been feeling.

It’s been a whirlwind, although to people looking in, it appears that I’ve been laying on my settee, doing very little at all and it was about time I went back to work! They had no idea and they didn’t want to stop with their thoughts and opinions for one minute, to listen to me. So I didn’t tell them. I kept on putting on the mask, whenever I needed to, and made it so I needed to as little as possible.

When I got the diagnosis, I thought they (my family), might listen now. Actually, I think I probably thought that they ‘would’ listen now.

Their disinterest taught me a lot. It felt heartbreaking at the time. But what it taught me, was that in truth, it was me who needed to accept me after all, and it wasn’t their acceptance of me that I needed.

Once I accepted me, or at least came to accept that the only acceptance I needed, the only acceptance that mattered, was from me. Then it’s like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I began to realise the implications of the diagnosis and at times I felt like there was no hope for me. Then I realised that I didn’t need anybody else to change. I just needed to realise that it’s not ‘their’ world, that it’s mine as much as it is there’s and that all I have to do is be myself.

I simply need to take some time to allow me to rest. All those years of masking have taken their toll on me and I need the rest. And I need some time to get to know me, my likes and dislikes etc and how I want my life to be.

That’s not as straight forward as it sounds, as the dominant thought patterns in the world are based on nt thinking, which of course, don’t help me.

So I realise I will be swimming against the popular stream, but we have rights, protected in law, and I intend to use them if I have to because there’s one thing for sure, there’l be no more masking.

So I don’t know how things are going to pan out. But for the next year I’m going to take my time, look after me, get me a little dog and a cat and spend some time just ‘being’ and see what transpires.

It hasn’t been easy getting to where I’m at now and there’s been some scary moments and very low points. I’ve even started taking a low dose of antidepressants. I did a bit of research on them and they have been found to help some adults with autism. I’ve only been taking them for a few weeks but they seem to be helping me to stop some of the constant crazy thinking, and face reality, instead of drifting off in my own world. You’ve helped me do that and the others on here. You give me strength and clarity and a belief in myself. I more than believe in you. I think the fear of getting a negative diagnosis is standard but for me, the benefit of getting the assessment far outweighed the fears. I was told that the centre where I was getting assessed was for autism only, so if it came back negative, I would basically have to go elsewhere to find answers. But I knew I was, like you do, so it was worth the risk. And even a negative outcome isn’t the end, they do sometimes get it wrong. 

You cant know what this is going to mean to you but I’m sure, like me, it will give you the extra strength we need to stop masking and start being who we are. How long that journey will take, none of us know, but I feel like now I’m on it, I’ve as good as ‘made it’ in life. So I guess, for me. the diagnosis has been a major turning point in my life. 

You’ve been such a major support in my life, it’s like you know me inside out, and not only do you support me but you also champion me as well, not to mention you make me laugh and smile and you make my heart swell. We’re all here for you. You don’t have to be strong and together around us. X

Oh Ellie, I fully understand how you’re feeling. My heart goes out to you. But you are an incredible person, and you will come through this. Read the post I’m about to post, because you are central to it. Coming through this won’t always be pretty though, but that’s ok, nobody said it was supposed to be.

All I can offer is my experience. Of course we’re all different, but it helps to read the experience of others.

When I got my diagnosis, I thought I was going to feel relieved or excited, in some way. But I didn’t feel anything much at all really. I had a little inward smile, to at least get official recognition, but I didn’t really feel anything.

When I first approached the gp, however. I had a significant reaction, which I wasn’t expecting.

I felt so proud of myself in a way that I had never before felt. It was as if I was truly honouring myself for the first time ever and even though the diagnosis was still important, it felt less so. It was as if the act of me honouring myself was worth more than the diagnosis. It was that feeling that got me through the next 8 months while I waited for the assessment. I spent much of that time in the house, being autistic ;) researching American history and the romantics and all sorts of other great people.

What I wasn’t expecting, when I got the diagnosis, was the avalanche of feelings that followed. Which all left me completely exhausted.

When the Support worker/ wellbeing officer suggested I need to come to terms with the diagnosis. It struck me as a little strange.

I’m not sure that I thought I had ‘come to terms with it’. I had, in the beginning (pre-diagnosis) thought of it in a very positive way. I thought it was pretty wonderful and I felt lots of positive emotions. It hadn’t really occurred to me what it actually meant and I certainly wasn’t expecting what was to come.

Over the following days and weeks I experienced so many emotions and thoughts and realisations and transformations. In fact, looking back now, I’m no longer surprised by the magnitude of the exhaustion I’ve been feeling.

It’s been a whirlwind, although to people looking in, it appears that I’ve been laying on my settee, doing very little at all and it was about time I went back to work! They had no idea and they didn’t want to stop with their thoughts and opinions for one minute, to listen to me. So I didn’t tell them. I kept on putting on the mask, whenever I needed to, and made it so I needed to as little as possible.

When I got the diagnosis, I thought they (my family), might listen now. Actually, I think I probably thought that they ‘would’ listen now.

Their disinterest taught me a lot. It felt heartbreaking at the time. But what it taught me, was that in truth, it was me who needed to accept me after all, and it wasn’t their acceptance of me that I needed.

Once I accepted me, or at least came to accept that the only acceptance I needed, the only acceptance that mattered, was from me. Then it’s like a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I began to realise the implications of the diagnosis and at times I felt like there was no hope for me. Then I realised that I didn’t need anybody else to change. I just needed to realise that it’s not ‘their’ world, that it’s mine as much as it is there’s and that all I have to do is be myself.

I simply need to take some time to allow me to rest. All those years of masking have taken their toll on me and I need the rest. And I need some time to get to know me, my likes and dislikes etc and how I want my life to be.

That’s not as straight forward as it sounds, as the dominant thought patterns in the world are based on nt thinking, which of course, don’t help me.

So I realise I will be swimming against the popular stream, but we have rights, protected in law, and I intend to use them if I have to because there’s one thing for sure, there’l be no more masking.

So I don’t know how things are going to pan out. But for the next year I’m going to take my time, look after me, get me a little dog and a cat and spend some time just ‘being’ and see what transpires.

It hasn’t been easy getting to where I’m at now and there’s been some scary moments and very low points. I’ve even started taking a low dose of antidepressants. I did a bit of research on them and they have been found to help some adults with autism. I’ve only been taking them for a few weeks but they seem to be helping me to stop some of the constant crazy thinking, and face reality, instead of drifting off in my own world. You’ve helped me do that and the others on here. You give me strength and clarity and a belief in myself. I more than believe in you. I think the fear of getting a negative diagnosis is standard but for me, the benefit of getting the assessment far outweighed the fears. I was told that the centre where I was getting assessed was for autism only, so if it came back negative, I would basically have to go elsewhere to find answers. But I knew I was, like you do, so it was worth the risk. And even a negative outcome isn’t the end, they do sometimes get it wrong. 

You cant know what this is going to mean to you but I’m sure, like me, it will give you the extra strength we need to stop masking and start being who we are. How long that journey will take, none of us know, but I feel like now I’m on it, I’ve as good as ‘made it’ in life. So I guess, for me. the diagnosis has been a major turning point in my life. 

You’ve been such a major support in my life, it’s like you know me inside out, and not only do you support me but you also champion me as well, not to mention you make me laugh and smile and you make my heart swell. We’re all here for you. You don’t have to be strong and together around us. X

Hello Blueray I just wanted to say I identify with a lot of what you have said both in terms of yourself and Ellie. And I also wanted to say I have read many of your posts some of them with Ellie and they have struck a chord many times even though I haven’t often responded because I’ve been unable to at the time. 

And again Ellie I hope you know and can allow yourself to accept how valued you are on here.