Published on 12, July, 2020
I thought I had it all under control until this weekend. I finished xmas shopping 2 weeks ago (online of course).
Then this weekend happened and I remembered how much needs doing at home, none of which I will get any help with. In fact I will probably get made to feel guilty for spending so much time making sure our house doesn't look like a s%&t-tip when my family come on xmas day. I feel like I never manage to do anything anyway, because holding down my full time job with 4hr a day commute takes all the energy I have, and there's none left for anything else. Nor any time.
Add to that my neighbour (very elderly) called me yesterday, which is normally the precursor to my being summoned for something or another. It's mostly this which has caused my anxiety levels to go through the roof. I dread her phoning me. I don't have time to keep going over there and then I feel like a bad person because she's old and lonely ..... but on the other hand she has a live in carer and her family are in the same village as us, so why do I have to be made to feel that way? If I do go over there, I am always left feeling like I am being told off about something (you never come to see me, I could hear your husband's guitar the other day, do you want me to get my gardener to do xxxx in your garden, the implication being that I am not keeping it tidy enough for her ....) I just wish she would decide she doesn't like me and leave me alone. I also feel like I am being watched all the time. She knows when I go out, when I get home, when my mum last visited ..... I know she has nothing better to do, but it creeps me out tbh.
I thought I was doing really well with the whole xmas thing but now I feel like a wreck again and just want to hide in a corner. And I have got to work for half of this week. It's probably a good thing that I am here on my own now or I would probably end up losing it and yelling at someone by the end of the day. Has anyone else found a way to keep a lid on the xmas panic?
This is why you lock everyone else in with at least some of the booze ... that way any little culinary faux pas are more likely to be overlooked ;-)
Isn’t it meant to be with custard....? The angel delight last year worked out ok for me!
I’d lock the NTs in a room and take the booze AND the house x
Is that why there's always custard on the roast instead of gravy?
I didn't say I didn't skim off a bottle of something to sup while I cook :-) I most certainly do!
If it was me, I'd admit to locking the booze in the kitchen with me!
Hee hee that's why I actually like doing all the cooking. That way I get to stay in the kitchen on my own for a few hours and everyone leaves me in peace. I used to get well-meant offers of help, but I think they've got used to the idea that I enjoy pottering about on my own now! I don't have to lock myself in, I just create an irresistable force field in the living room by putting all the booze in there..... that way the people stay in there too
Shock! Horror! He likes to lock himself in his room! What's wrong with him?
Sounds like me, too. I spent most of my childhood alone in my room (though the door wasn't locked!)
Ermmm.... yes
and this guy could well be me at Christmas
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-42043884
Well, I've made my decision. If I'm invited I will go.
Best to go and face my fears. Avoidance just puts the unpleasantness off and it can backfire.
I don't think this one tries to be nasty, but I just can't cope with it. Trouble is I never quite know whether she is being manipulative or whether the comments that sound snidey to me actually are, or whether it is just her being old and rude and me being useless at interpreting. I really do wish she'd decide she doesn't like me and start ignoring me!
I wouldn't want to be alone at Christmas but it sounds like your relatives won't be exactly painless either. Probably they would get the hump if you didn't go - people are like that, aren't they? Lots of wine with xmas dinner may be the best bet! That's what I used to do when faced with my ex-mother-in-law at xmas, who had about the same effect on me (and thought I was the antichrist). At least then you have an excuse to go to sleep after lunch too :-) Seriously though, in company and irritated is probably better than depressed and alone, and potentially putting backs up by turning down the invitation. I take it that they don't have any real grasp of / interest in what would make you more comfortable / happy then?
I understand your Christmas/neighbour situation.
I have has my share of neighbour nuisances Which I have described previously. I NOW feel no guilt about finishing it with one of my previous neighbours. She was very manipulative and knew exactly what she was doing. I was so sick of her abusive/nuisance phone calls, In the end I changed my phone number.
As for Christmas, I have been informally invited round to my sister's,. I am dreading it. Being alone at Christmas is bad. But going there could be worse. She and her husband are as NT as it gets. And they have considered me to be weird for as long as I can remember. However, Not going to an invitation could make a bad situation worse.
Aww thanks Tom. I've read your post too and I think you have far more to cope with than me. I find your response and your email to your brother is very considered and if it were me I think I would have given up by now, had nothing to do with the awful sister in law and devoted the attention to the niece instead. But then I guess I am a bridge-burning sort of a person in that regard. We have a similar problem in our family, with my partner's brother, who he's very close to. He has taken up with this ghastly woman who no-one in the family likes. It's not her that is controlling in this case so much as her family, but they definitely try to pull the strings and partner's little brother is being manipulated ... we can all see it but he can't / won't .... it is so hard isn't it? To know what to do for the best .....
Not caring what they think is probably the best way to be from a self-care point of view. We can only give so much before it starts harming us, an being able to recognise when that point is being reached is pretty important, I reckon.
I am glad for this place and that folks will be here who will understand. We can hide out together :-) I hope you get through Christmas OK and that you can still feel something of your dear mum there with you .....
Hi Moggsy,
I think you've done brilliantly. Give yourself some credit.
Coincidentally, I've just posted something else in my 'Christmas' post, along the same lines. I'm worrying about how people with feel this year, with my not sending cards or giving gifts. As with everything else, I'm over-analysing it, I suppose. I worry too much what other people think, and I need to stop. I've put the lid on it by sticking to my guns - and just sending a final email of explanation to my brother. He - or rather, his wife - probably thinks I should make the effort. But I no longer care what they think. The rest of the family will hopefully understand.
I'm going to be alone over Christmas. It's the only way I can get through it. I know it's more complicated for you, though. Don't forget we'll all be here over the season. We can all vent and drown our frustrations together!
Take care,
Tom