Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed with ASD on 16th October this year. Due to this, I have been feeling overwhelmed and dropped out of going to my partner's dad's for a Christmas weekend this weekend. My partners mum, who is divorced from his dad, is extremely offended by this and called him up last night to explain how unreasonable she felt my behaviour was and how she felt I should put up and shut up, despite his dad being fine with me not being there. I found this behaviour to be incredibly hurtful and upsetting. I want her to know this so that hopefully she can think before she acts in future. As his mum likes to write letters in these kind of situations I have written one to her. If possible, I'm looking for constructive feedback on how I can write it in a way that won't incredibly upset her.
Dear xxx,
I’m writing to you as I’ve been hurt and upset by how you have reacted over my withdrawal from going to xxx for one occasion in the 2.5 years myself and xxx has been together. As we could know each other for 40 years + I felt it was best to get this out in the open rather than let this fester. I hope you appreciate my honesty.
In the past, I’ve found you to be thoughtful and kind. Now that I’ve received my autism diagnosis I’ve been overwhelmed by the expectations placed on Christmas and how this highlights how much I struggle and will always struggle. Based on your past behaviour when you called xxx on Friday night I expected you to say something such as ‘I’m sorry to xx is struggling. What things does she find difficult and is there anything we can do to help?”. Instead, you came across as only being concerned about your own challenges with adapting to change and you made some very hurtful comments. As for the last 2.5 years I have put the needs of xxx family above my own, I believe missing one Christmas occasion to put myself first is called give and take, it isn’t unreasonable. However, even when xxx explained that I had cried for two solid days at the overwhelming emotions I was feeling, you continued to talk about my behaviour in a derogatory manner. That was really hurt.
One of the side effects of autism is overwhelming anxiety. The impact on my mental health can be seen in my initial misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. It isn’t a case of being shy. Asking me to grit my teeth and just get on with things is completely inappropriate, as doing this in the past has left me wishing I was dead.
I didn’t go to xxx's as being autistic I find the following incredibly difficult, which is why, as much as possible, I have avoided sleeping over at yours when you have offered:
Despite what xxx says I don’t have an issue with xxx (brother in law) as an individual. Although I really feel for the pressure that xxx (daughter) and xxx (brother in law) are both under to present a certain image, I do believe that the image they try to present doesn’t match with their reality. Like many autistic people, I have an overwhelming need to tell, and for others to tell the truth. As such, I often find the way xxx and xxx talk challenging.
It is clear the impact that having to attend xxx (partner's dad's) family functions when you didn’t want to has had on you are still resentful of this despite being separated for many years. Being autistic means my emotions around social situations are magnified by 1000 so imagine how distressing these occasions can be for me. When you do this, hopefully you will be able to recognise and appreciate the incredible amount of effort I have put into integrating into your family.
Just a few examples of how I’ve put xxx’s (partner) and his family’s needs before mine include:
I understand from the telephone conversation that you are unnecessarily worried that you will never see xxx (my partner) again. This made your behaviour on Friday even more frustrating as instead of doing what you could to make me feel supported and included so I’d want to spend more time at yours you did the opposite and behaved in a way that was likely to push me away.
Until after your phone call on Friday the plan for Christmas at yours was that I’d attend every day but take my own car and go home in the evenings whilst xxx stayed. Therefore, as usual I’d be spending most of the festive period putting your families needs above my own despite feeling awful inside. As you showed no concern and a total lack of respect for my feelings, making me feel dreadful to please you feels completely inappropriate this year. Plus, I need a cooling off period from how hurt your words made me feel.
Regards,
xxx
Hello. I do hope this situation becomes easier. I endorse what the others have said. In addition there are two other things I would like to add. Firstly it sounds as though you are only recently diagnosed? So I think maybe you are adjusting to that yourself and it takes some time ( months -a couple of years) to come to terms with . So perhaps you are more sensitive at the moment and therefore more vulnerable in a situation such as this. So there is more need for you to be kind to yourself and know that even though families and gatherings and Christmas may not get any easier but as you adjust you may manage better as time passes or at least not beat yourself up so much. Secondly; mothers and sons, whatever the circumstances, marital status or personal asd aside... I think you will find most mum’s have a different bond to their sons than to their daughters. And it takes quite a while ( if ever) for families to shake down to comfortable with partners/spouses. I’m not condoning that but sometimes it helps to know it’s “not just us” type of thing. I don’t know if this helps put things in perspective a bit more but I think the situation is both general and specific. Not easy. The whole family at Christmas, mixing and socialising with groups extra stress and pressure of expectations is really hard for all of us. On top of that it sounds like you are working and in a people job and by the end of term teachers and students alike are exhausted. It sounds as though you and your partner are doing your best to support each other which is good. Keep one eye on the fact it’s just a few days and that in 2 weeks time life on the whole will get back to normal and you may have chance then to have a chat with mil.
Ps sorry not sure where I got the working teacher bit from. Family relationships are tough. Mine isn’t easy either. No one wants to hear the A word and don’t want to understand they just want me to know how me being me affected them or ignore it. One brother and I are on breaking glass at the moment. I wish you a peaceful heart
I haven't had a reply from MIL yet but I have managed to calm down and am able to be more kind in my feelings towards her thanks to everyone's thoughts. I was an emotional mess Friday night and yesterday. I'm starting a new post in Jan and have also started to sort out the the RAs I need for when I start. Two posts ago I took them to an employment tribunal as they refused to put RAs in place so I am a little apprehensive due to that. My new place have already agreed to an A2W though and they are hopefully getting me access to Brain in Hand so I'll have someone to talk to through the app about developing coping strategies.
MIL is pre-diabetic. When she found this out she was overwhelmed and very emotional for months. She is also very strict about putting adjustments in place and that we all have to adapt to her needs for her to be healthy and happy. If the situation arises I'm going to explain how her being overwhelmed and needing adjustments is the same situation I am in now. OH still doesn't think this will make a difference but at least I'll have done the best I can and will be able to accept that she isn't in a place to be accepting.
I do feel for the MIL as I think she has control issues and is also scared about being alone. Her mum died of cancer early in to mine and the OHs relationship. Her brother married during this time but was only away for a short while and his mum came to his post wedding party before she died. The brother was also by his mothers side when she died. MIL disagrees that he gout married during this period and as told him this. As he wouldn't say he agree with her point of view after she explained she was upset she's now cut him out of her life forever. This means all she has is her children. She has re-married but I believe they both settled for who they could find in the local pub rather than finding a relationship were they truly love each other. They fall out a lot.
I'm lucky the MIL is the first person whose made a negative comment in the two months I've known I'm autistic. My own family is supportive and are glad I now know why I struggle with certain things. From your replies, I now understand that instead of focusing on my hurt I need to learn ways to cope with the MILs behaviour if I'm going to support the OH like he supports me.
hope you are ok
Be prepared for return to work and all the greetings on arrival, arrive late if you can especially if you can't or won't take that day or and/or can't warn colleagues(s). Hope it goes ok.
Being fully sincere there NAS24859 and I apologise if I have been inappropriate.
I didn't want to mention it because it's about you here, but some years ago I went through a break up over the festive period and moved out on new years day. It was helpful that people cared and wished me positive things, they supported an optimistic outlook and gave me strength for the threats and legalities thereafter.
Maybe this is a silly question, but are there others who get more upset when being given such wishes? I'm not saying it's wrong to give them, I'm just wondering if this is another one of my abnormalities where I always thought everybody feels like this but it turns out other people don't actually. I get these kind of wishes a lot and it makes me feel incredibly lonely because I'm afraid of so many things but mustn't speak it out because that's negative, pessimistic, bitter, not wanting to be happy and all that. I'm just trying to understand why people wish others such things, my assumption was always that they are ignorant, don't really care and it's all just a phrase without meaning, so I also don't wish other people such things if it doesn't look likely that it will happen, but maybe it isn't anything like that, just a processing error on my part.
Happy New Year to you NAS24859, I hope you can get through this swiftly.
I wish you resilience, fun and happiness for 2018 - don't let 2017 steal all that is good and great from you, it's yours to have, not theirs to take, be determined and resolute, maybe today isn't the day, maybe it will be in a week or so, but be resolute that 2017 won't overshadow 2018.
Hey, sending you a big hug, wished it could be for real.
This whole procedure sounds so absolutely disgusting - he knew all the time in the last weeks what he was going to do and played that lovely understanding guy, perfectly knowing that this would hurt you even more (at least I can't imagine him not knowing). I'm finding it really quite shocking that he said he saw you "just as a friend" - he is the one who has been just a fair-weather friend himself, otherwise it wouldn't be "just". He didn't even have the guts to be honest. If you feel like your ex-ex has done something to you that makes you a lot more uncomfortable with intimacy than you were before then it's probably not a bad idea to address this - for yourself, but it seems incredibly sad if having more sex than you feel comfortable with is necessary to maintain a relationship, just to please someone else. Not saying you are wrong there, I have no idea how guys tick, I'm just finding it very sad if you are right.
That's awful. You've gone through so much.
It's hard that you are there with all the reminders and memories.
Ouch! what a cowardly rat.
Be kind to yourself and do nice things for you as you've had so many negative things to deal with. I hope the counselling will help.
Cry it all out and indulge yourself in some self pampering.
Each day you will cry a little less until you are not crying at all and you will appreciate the place to yourself more and more.
Hi,
I keep bursting into tears but I'm ok considering, thanks for asking. The ex came round today to get the few things he'd forgotten. I've had a lot on this year, including taking a settlement in Nov from my last post after I put in a formal complaint regarding my management team and disability discrimination. With that, shaking off two mis-diagnosed MH labels and receiving the ASD diagnosis I've been depressed. Due to my low self-esteem, I wasn't interested in sex and it's been a year since we had any and the last attempt wasn't very successful. The ex said due to the lack of intimacy he'd started to see me as just a friend, which is why he left. It does make sense but it's really frustrating.
Another reason I had intimacy issues was that the previous ex-cheated on me, which was another battering to the self-esteem. I wanted this one to love me for me and not just because we had sex. If he'd have let me know that the lack of sex was an issue I'd have done what I could to it to give us the best chance possible of surviving. He said he didn't say anything as he didn't want to hurt my feelings and I do believe that as he can lack confidence.
The ex-ex also claimed he cheated on me due to my low sex drive so at least I now know what I need to do tif I'm going to stand a chance at a successful relationship. I'm gonna email relate for some counselling in regards to my intimacy issues.
How are you?
Hope you are as ok as can be.
I am still trying to process my own Christmas and dalliance into trying to fit in and failing...we are all very wonderful souls online here and some carry great sadness and stories of rejection. Don’t feel that you have been rejected....it is just that people can’t see our magic and brilliance, our love, loyalty, kindness and care....just someone who doesn’t quite fit. I would rather be on my own than bombasted for being a square peg tgat cant fit into a round hole.... we are more than that...their blindness and short sightedness is so sad
This had had a profound effect. Your attempts to explain yourself has met with closed eyes and minds and a lack of desire to try to understand.
S ** t [edited by moderator]
poor you, I really mean that....what a horrible thing to happen......! () x
i feel for you...do you have anyone you can confide in.... is there anything I can do to help, :(
Edited by Ayshe Mod
NAS24859 said:I now face the prospect of a new year where I come home to an empty flat every night and only have myself for company at the weekends
I'm sure this won't offer you much comfort right now, but there are lots of other folk on these forums who are similarly lonely. These forums will offer you some support into the New Year and beyond.
Your intuition knew then. So sorry to hear that.
That's awful. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up, it's his failings, helped by the mother. It was rotten of him not to be honest in November.
You are free to find someone more understanding and supportive and you have more ideas about what you want/don't want in a partner.
I hope you can think of some nice things to look forward even if it just a foot soak or a favourite DVD or something, indulge yourself in something a couple of times a week (or more if you can) and look forward to it.
Do nice things for you and be your own best friend.
Turns out my concerns about the OH were true. At 9.30 today he told me he was leaving me, by 11 him and all of his stuff were gone.
In the end we decided to stay at home for xmas day and he went to his mums on boxing day. I offered to go but he said I should focus on my health and stay out at home. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be going out with someone so understanding. Instead, it turns out he stopped having romantic feelings for me in Nov (which is when I got my diagnosis). He spoke to his mum about it on boxing day and they decided it was best that we split up. He didn't bother to tell me for days though. Instead I thought we'd been slowly dying the house up over the last few days but he'd been secretly sorting out his stuff to make a quick exit. I thought all the fears I had about him leaving me were made up because of my insecurities about being different. He meant the world to me and was all the company I needed. As such I now face the prospect of a new year where I come home to an empty flat every night and only have myself for company at the weekends. The flat looks really bare now all his stuff has gone.
Good - it seems like a good outcome and I hope things improve for you going forward. Well done, for getting through this challenge and I hope that the support for us here in the community helped. x
Thanks. She asked where I was at the start of the call and OH told her I was next to him on the sofa and she knows this means I can hear every word. She's just self-absorbed
From our phone call last night she's made us aware that it will definitely be one of those 'her she goes again' relationships. She's already stated that being able to say exactly what she thinks is very important to her and she doesn't mind if she upsets me saying it! At least this means I can be more open with her about the things she does that I find frustrating and inappropriate, although I'll make sure that I'm respectful and don't do it too often.
Well she's been caught out because he told you, maybe she wanted him to tell you as she didn't want to say it to your face