Published on 12, July, 2020
I am on a steep learning curve. I think one of the reasons I have remained undiagnosed is that I tend not to get (what I think of as) meltdowns and shutdowns.
Can any of you identify with what follows, or is this just my own deficient behaviour?
If things have gotten really bad, I guess my natural reaction is to isolate myself so that I can think. Perhaps this qualifies as a kind of a shutdown, because I don't really want other folk around me or talking to me when this happens, but I am not really "zoning out", because I'm definitely aware of people near me who might be making a nuisance of themselves at that moment.
What I do experience relatively frequently is what I might term an "outburst", most often when I'm at home and just being myself. Maybe this is some sort of mini-meltdown...?
Something seemingly quite innocuous will go wrong, such as managing to trip over an object which I knew full well was in my way. In a flash, usually quicker than I can sense so that I can hold it back, there's a flash of sudden anger and frustration. Sometimes I might also throw down an object I'm holding (such as some paperwork, not a piece of china!), accompanied by a short bit of cursing, such as "Oh for F's sake!".
I'm angry at myself for getting it wrong when I was (usually) aware of the hazard in advance. For a split second I'm often equally angry at the perceived perpetrator (such as the person who left the object in the way). The whole thing lasts up to about 3 seconds... and then it's gone just as suddenly, and I feel fine, objective, and can see it as the trivial matter it really is. Because the feelings have vanished as quickly as they arrived, I don't harbour any lasting negative thinking towards a perceived perpetrator.
Clearly, this sort of thing comes across to others as childish and spoilt behaviour. My long-suffering wife takes these episodes particularly badly, and seems to believe that there is lasting ill-will on my side.
Oddly enough, I typically didn't get this sort of thing at work, but perhaps that's just because I was already wearing a really big mask and was not being myself. I did still get the frustration, but somehow I could absorb and "squash back down" the feelings, perhaps requiring a deep breath and a moment's pause whilst I collect myself. In those instances, although the flash of anger was controlled, I could sense that there was still that "inner pressure" that hadn't been released. Something like a lunchtime run would get rid of frustrations and stress, and make me more relaxed in the afternoon, but then that coping mechanism was increasingly taken away because the workload didn't allow me to disappear at lunchtime (sometimes I had to chair a meeting, because it was the only time in the week that other attendees could make it...)
Sorry if this is rambling a bit, but I don't think I've tried putting this sort of thing into words before.
Can any of you identify with the above, or am I just incurably childish and spoilt?
If any of you recognise this, what do you do to help manage it and keep yourself in check?
I can recognise all of the above. I have managed these situations over the years, in a similar way that you have. I will bring myself into the moment and remind myself that’s everything’s ok. Then like you, I can move on as quickly as it came.
However, an interesting thing happened the other day. I had a massive row with my dad. I hadn’t argued and shouted like that for years and although I didn’t like it and I was extremely upset, I realised that I actually felt like me. This made me think I had not been ‘managing’ these meltdowns, I was just suppressing them which ultimately ended in total burnout.
Another interesting thing though, about that situation, was that my dad seemed to purposely trigger me and following a conversation with my support worker, I realised he was really scared and because he was suppressing his feelings, he did what he has always done, projected his stuff on to me.
So was I really being me, or just responding to a familiar situation?
I think it’s all about control. Like illneverbeold, I have spent what seems like years of my life looking for keys and stuff like that. It’s like I go into a kind of rage or blind spot, my anxiety raises and I’m so annoyed that I can’t find them. I can cry and just want to give in and go back to bed (I’m an isolater) but then I remember I have to be somewhere, which brings more stress and I start hating the person I’m supposed to be meeting. It all feels too much. When I find the keys, I’m usually able to bring it all back together and forget about it, but I can see that years of doing this takes its toll on my energy levels.
One solution I’m currently trying, to help the situation, is to become a minimalist. I’m in the (slow, slow, slow) process, of clearing out everything in my house that I don’t use or need.
Regular daily exercise helps me, such as going for a run and to the gym but at the minute, I’m not managing to do any of those things. I think it’s all about control. That’s why I’m simplifying my life right down.
I also act different in different situations and over the years, I have controlled myself more and more and as a result, I have become more and more isolated. I don’t want to go back to having meltdowns, where I would lash out and shout etc but I also don’t want to be suppressing myself all the time. So I’m working on creating a life where these situations will arise less frequently.
Like you, I’m on a steep learning curve but I’m convinced I can create a life where I’m not suppressing myself but I’m not melting down and freaking out all the time either.
I think it is a fundamental need to express ourselves, so I’m going to find a way to do that in a way that I can cope with.
I also try to live a more simple life and started a farm. We raise hogs and have chickens. But I have to put that on hold for the time being which is frustrating. I've had to begin meds to calm the axiety and attacks. I hate meds, but my life can't calm down right now. It's really strange that I just don't care or obsess about things like I normally do. The downfall is that I don't get as many things done as I'd like to and feel lazy for it.
I’m in a similar situation illneverbeold. This is my second day of taking medication and it terrifies me. I’m finally getting some help so didn’t know whether to hold off on the meds for a while but I was thinking I could maybe get more done if I take them. I’m learning a lot about how autism affects me and I’m making small steps of progress but I was thinking that maybe I’ll make more if I take the meds.
I will, and hope to hear an update for you as well.