Odd how it catches up...

As a few of you will know, my mother passed away in April after I'd nursed her through her final six months of life.  That role helped me to cope, I think, with the aftermath.  That and the signs I got that she was looking out for me.  My natural self-reliance was another thing: I'm used to a solitary life and taking care of myself.  Finally, there was the book I was writing about our time together, and about our life history. That helped to keep her alive, in a sense, for me.

It's over seven months ago now.  In that time, I've finished the first draft of the book and started a new job, which I've settled into reasonably well.  I don't like the travelling.  But I like only working four days and routine, unchanging hours.  The work itself isn't what I thought it would be, and I find it a bit of a trial some days - but it's okay.

I was happier at my old place, which I left to look after mum.  Last week, I saw my old job advertised and applied for it.  I have an interview on Wednesday.  I don't need to prepare.  I know the people well enough.  I know what they'll ask.  I think it will be a formality.  It'll mean slightly longer hours, and eventually alternating late and early shifts.  I don't like that idea so much.  But again, I liked it there.  And it's just along the road from where I live, so no more travelling.  I can sell the car.

Naturally, though, this stuff is all churning through my head.  Is it too much change, too soon?  Two new jobs in the same year that I lost my mother?  Am I asking too much of myself?

Today, I started the second draft of the book.  Much more is coming out.  I can feel it coming to life.

And now - tonight, just a half-hour ago - something suddenly hit me and brought me low.  It was like that sudden sense of dropping you get in a very fast-descending elevator. 

Mum's gone.  She's not here any more.  That wonderful person is gone, and all I have is the memories, the keepsakes, the photos... and this pile of pages of her life.

I never expected it to creep up on me like this.  The time of year probably isn't helping, as she always loved Christmas, and we always had such a lovely time together - just the two of us - over Christmas.

But she's no longer there. 

Phew.  I need to go to bed.

Parents
  • I know exactly what you mean.  My husband made a slip of the tongue a few weeks ago when I got my degree - he said “should I phone your Mum” (he meant his Mum) and I burst into tears.  It’s now 23 months since her very sudden death and I still haven’t really grieved properly, partly because of how I compartmalise and partly because I’m helping my children through it as well.

    with the job, if you get it, talk to them. They know you, know your circumstances and what has happened.  It wouldn’t be a new job - it would be going back to your old job.

Reply
  • I know exactly what you mean.  My husband made a slip of the tongue a few weeks ago when I got my degree - he said “should I phone your Mum” (he meant his Mum) and I burst into tears.  It’s now 23 months since her very sudden death and I still haven’t really grieved properly, partly because of how I compartmalise and partly because I’m helping my children through it as well.

    with the job, if you get it, talk to them. They know you, know your circumstances and what has happened.  It wouldn’t be a new job - it would be going back to your old job.

Children
  • Thanks, Bonnie - and sorry about your own incident.  It's tiny things, sometimes.  I have loads and loads of photos of mum.  I've got them on my Facebook page, on my desk, etc.  I can look at them all without a problem.  Yet there's one that always catches me out.  It's in a folder on my computer.  I have to shut my eyes and skip past it if I'm looking in that folder.  I should move it somewhere else, but I can't bring myself to.  It was a passport-type photo I took of her a couple of years ago, when my brother was applying for a blue parking badge for her when he took her to hospital appointments.  She isn't smiling... and she just looks so sad in it, as if she knows her time is running out.  I'll always treasure it, though.  I'd hate to lose it.

    I'm not really sure whether I've grieved properly or not.  A bereavement counsellor I saw said that I'd done a lot of my grieving already, during those months when I was looking after mum in her final illness.  I was with her all the way through to her final breath.  I suppose that is some consolation.  And I've gotten on with my life.  I've written a long book about those times, I've started a new job, I've settled down again.  I think my natural self-reliance has helped: the fact that I can manage alone, and don't have any need for anyone else in my life.  I also know that mum's at peace and out of suffering.  I've never really shed any tears - apart from on that last night.  I feel generally okay - apart, again, from those small slips.  Maybe it will all catch up with me one day.  I don't know.

    I didn't get that job, but I'm not too worried now.  In fact, I'm a little relieved.  The big thing that was bothering me was the rotational shift pattern.  No sooner do you get settled in a routine of, say, 7 hour days in day service than you're rotated into 14-hour days in outreach residential services.  Many staff find that difficult to cope with.  I think I'd really struggle with it.  I had one job where I had alternating earlies and lates, and it burnt me out very quickly.  I had a breakdown through it.  The interview went very well - I knew all the right answers.  But when it came to talking about the shift work, I expressed my  misgivings... and I know they didn't like that.  They really should have made it much clearer in the job advert, though, to be fair.  Also, my old manager - who is one of the best managers I've ever had, and who was very understanding during mum's illness and my time off - seemed a little less sympathetic.  It was that morning, as I've said above, that I saw those Christmas tree photos.  It took the wind out of my sails, and I still felt a little 'off' when I got to the interview.  I mentioned that I'd had a bad moment earlier - and she responded, quite sharply "Yes, well... it's a difficult thing and it takes time, but we all have to deal with it and move on, don't we."  That pulled me up a bit.

    Anyway... as I said, in many ways I'm okay about it.  I don't have the decision-making and over-analysing of the situation hanging over my head any more.  I can get back to keeping it simple and get on with what I've got. 

    Take care x