Christmas

Hi folks,

That time of year is on us again.  It's going to be harder than usual for me this year as it'll be the first year in all of my 58 years that I haven't spent Christmas with mum.  For the last 20 years, too, Christmas has just been me and mum.  I've usually gone to her place on Christmas Eve and stayed over until Boxing Day.  It's been our special time together.  My brother and his wife live just a few minutes away, but they've never invited her over in all of that time, and they always spend Christmas with my sister-in-law's family.  They usually called in on mum for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve... and then she wouldn't see them again until the new year (though my brother would always give mum a ring on Christmas morning).  For a few years now, I've had a standing joke that he should have taken her surname at marriage rather than the other way around!  I've spoken at length about her in other posts, so people will know how I feel.  She's a narcissist.  She's brainwashed my brother over the years, estranged him from his natural children, created difficulties for me... basically, caused a lot of emotional damage.  She's divisive and manipulative: a very toxic person anyway, but especially to someone like me.  For a long time now, I've kept friendly with them mainly for mum's sake.

Now that mum's no longer with us, there isn't really a need to keep that pretence up any longer.  So I've told my brother that I'm simply not going to do Christmas this year.  I don't especially feel like it, anyway - but mainly it's so that I don't need to have anything to do with them.  I'm not going to write Christmas cards or buy any gifts.  We only really gave token gifts, anyway.  There are some family members - a couple of aunts and cousins - that I could send cards to.  But my brother's in touch with them as well, and I'm sure he'd find out and would be upset.  So it's just easier to leave it altogether.  I think they'll all understand, anyway.

I can't help feeling mean about it all, though.  It's just a card, after all.  I sent my brother and his wife their birthday cards and gifts as normal in July (three months after mum's passing) because I would have felt awkward not doing it.  It was a token gesture on my part.  A bit of 'people-pleasing, too.  I need to break ties, though.  They don't really mean anything to me.  Also, I find it very hard to forgive some of the damage that she's done.  My brother's natural daughter, who's now over 40 and happily married and settled, still has tears over the 'loss' of her father.  I think, if I'm absolutely honest, he suffers because of it all and is torn up inside.  But nonetheless, he's made his life choices.  If anything happened to his wife - and her health is precarious - he would be totally lost.  Having said that, her family will take him in.  He spends more time with them than with any on my side.  He even holidays with them. And, as I said, he's always with them for Christmas.

Families!  I wonder how other people feel about my intentions - and how other people deal with these matters themselves at this time.  It's very difficult.

  • Hi Vicky-Sue,

    That's what I told them this year.  It stopped me being asked - not that I would have been anyway, I think - but it still didn't stop them trying to impose their Christmas on me.  Ah well.  It's over now, at least.

  • Hi Martian Tom!  A number of years ago I knew in advance that I was going to be on my own for Christmas so, to avoid being invited to join other people's, I decided to go and do something useful.  I chose Crisis at Christmas and really enjoyed it, (learning lots about myself in the process) but you do have to sign up and go to a volunteers' meeting in November or they won't take you.  At least, that was the case then and I should think its pretty much the same today.  If you don't fancy that, then next year perhaps you could start contacting homeless shelters earlier, so if you are ignored by the first one you have more options to choose from?

    Cheers,

    Vicky-Sue

  • I hope you’re crying now. It sounds like now is the time. Big hugs to you. As Oktanol said, I’m not sure if crying makes things any better but I do think crying is a very good expression of our emotions which are better out than in. Sounds like your Mum is still very much with you. I feel your pain and sadness and wishing for things to be as they were. Don’t forget your friends are here, thinking about you, and sending you love. It was an excellent letter you wrote, by the way, very nicely put and well done for making it to the supermarket, doing your shopping and organising your Christmas so well. Your mum would be very proud of you and if she’s looking down on you now, she will be smilzing for sure, sending you all her love. 

  • Yes, maybe it is - I thought, and did if for quite some time. Not sure if I feel better or worse now, or maybe both. Give it a try anyway, if you feel like it. 

    Glad your mum kept giving you good advice also today! She wants it to be nice for you, well, at least as nice as it can be.

  • Just been out and got myself a few things for Christmas Day.  Food, a couple of treats... and a nice malt whisky. 

    It wasn't easy, though.  At a couple of points, I just felt like crying.  The thought of just getting these things for myself, not for me and mum - as last Christmas.  I kept hearing her voice in my head saying 'Oh, that'll be nice' or 'Go on... it's only once a year.'  And it just all hit me.

    Wobbled home.  A stiff scotch has helped a bit.

    Still feel like crying - which is something I haven't really done yet.  Maybe now's the time.

  • Very nicely put.  You are doing what's right for you and that's what matters. 

  • Here's the text of an email I've just sent to my brother.  Honestly, if it wasn't for him and his wife, I would send cards.  But if they found out I'd done so and not sent any to him or his step-daughter (I have absolutely no wish to have anything to do with her again, as I think he knows), then there would be another earthquake that I could do without right now.  It's a very tricky thing - but maybe it'll come to a head in some way over Christmas.  I want nothing more to do with them at all.  Our relationship is superficial, to say the least.  There's no love-loss.  If he still thinks of me in some way as 'close' family, when his closest family now hardly consists of a blood relative at all, then he's seriously deluded.

    Anyway... I've been as diplomatic as possible, I think...

    Hi ****,

     I went over to Ramsgate on Saturday and gave a donation to the cats charity shop in the High Street (where Daisy came from). I've also given something to Pilgrim's Hospice. The Dogs' Trust shop is no longer there, so I'll probably take something over to the rescue centre in Chestfield. Another thing I've done is given something to The Woodland Trust, for which they'll plant a tree in memory of a loved one. I did it for two trees, actually - one each for mum and dad - which will be planted in Brede High Woods, Sedlescombe, East Sussex. It's quite close to Peasmarsh.

     I understand your need to have Christmas with as much normality as possible. I'm doing what I can in that way. I bought a small tree in the market and have put that up. But that's as much as I feel like doing. It'll be the first Christmas Day in my life that I haven't spent with mum, as child and adult. For the last twelve years, too, it's just been the two of us together on Christmas Day. So, it can't really be a normal Christmas Day for me. I'm intending to go over to a homeless shelter in Canterbury - or maybe to another shelter in Ramsgate, where a friend (in a similar situation, with her mum in a home with Alzheimer's) is helping out. I'm sure there's something I can do there for a few hours - even if it's just chat to the folk.  Apart from that, I just want to be at home alone for the rest of the season. I know that sounds dismal, but it actually suits me and is what I prefer to do. I'm off until the Wednesday, so it'll just be a couple of days - as with most, I suppose.

     J**** got in touch to find out what I was doing, and I told her about my intentions - including not wishing to have gifts bought for me. I'd just sooner not. She said she'd pass that on to C****. Most people should know, anyway. It's the first year I haven't sent cards. I usually wrote all mine and sent them on the first weekend in December. The one thing I've done is write a letter to I**** in Canada - sending her a calendar, as mum always did. Some people may not agree with what I'm doing, and perhaps think I should make the effort. That's not something I can do much about, though. Most of the people I've spoken to about it - friends at work, etc - agree with it. But I can't please everyone. I've often tried to, but I can't do it this time. Like I said, I hope everyone will at least understand and respect my feelings and wishes.

    Hope all's going okay. Speak to you soon.

    All the best,

    K

    J and C are his natural children.  J is the one most damaged by the estrangement from him.  He probably won't be happy that we're in contact - but that's his problem, I'm afraid!

  • Thanks.  I always bin charity postings.  I only give to local, small charities, anyway - animal sanctuaries, hospices, etc.  I bought a load of cat goodies this morning and took them to a local cat charity shop that supports fosterers of feline waifs and strays.  I got Daisy from one of their 'foster-keepers'. 

    He'll get the message, if and when I publish my book.  They're selfish, self-centred, thoughtless people.  He's never even acknowledged my role in caring for mum during those final months.  Essentially, keeping her alive and happy.  All I got was being let off £7.23 - the difference between what I spent and what he spent on the funeral arrangements.

    They'd never invite me over.  Just as, for about 20 years, they never invited mum over, either.  She'd always have been on her own at Christmas if I'd not gone there.

  • I think Christmas is just crazy now.  A commercial consumerist nightmare-fest.  Why give gifts that are probably going to end up in charity shops in January when you can just give directly to the charities?

    I'm not really going to worry about it.  They can do and think what they like... as usual!

    it's not Christmas anymore, it is Commercemas! 

  • None yet.  Glen Royal is my favourite, which is a bonus as it's one of the cheaper ones.  If my dishwasher died, I'd be dead too.  It's me!

  • what malts do you have?  hehe!

  • best result this week....dishwasher died...so I don't have any reason now not to stay in the kitchen for the whole event whilst everyone can do "their" thing!!

    I shall just conveyer belt cook and clean up!! Slight smile

  • Do it!  I'll be hanging out here - cigars and finest malt to hand!

  • They can do and think what they like... as usual!

    that is pretty much all you can do....got a christmas card in the post from my mum yesterday...I haven't opened it....i've just chucked in a drawer.

    i haven't got the emotional strength to open that particularly tricky box.....let the NTs enjoy themselves....

    i was tempted to start a new thread to find out who would be on the forum on Christmas Day....! -- so i could see who was about to "hang out" with.... lol

  • Uh-oh...

    I emailed my brother last week to say that I'd decided to spend the money I'd normally have spent on Christmas cards and presents on making donations to local animal charities that mum supported.  I hadn't heard back until this morning.  He didn't really comment on the gesture - saying it's a good idea or anything, like others have said.  He seemed friendly enough in tone - but there was one sentence that caught me:

    Carrying on with Christmas with as much normality as possible with presents bought for close family only, especially where the kids are involved of course

    Tell me it's just my Aspie head suggesting things to me - but I thought I detected an emphasis on 'close' and 'of course'.  I think he might be trying to guilt-trip me.

    The thing is - I don't really 'know' any of these people any longer, apart from my niece, who's the only one I'm friendly with (and, not coincidentally, the only one that he and his wife are no longer friendly with).  The kids are all spoilt rotten and have everything they will ever need, so every year it's always been a struggle to find something new.  They're not exactly 'kids' anymore, either.  The youngest is 8, the eldest 15.  I've never received an acknowledgement from anyone (apart from mum) about what I've given - not even a 'thank you' card from any of the 'kids'.  And because we're all quite distanced anyway, it's always been guesswork.

    I think Christmas is just crazy now.  A commercial consumerist nightmare-fest.  Why give gifts that are probably going to end up in charity shops in January when you can just give directly to the charities?

    I'm not really going to worry about it.  They can do and think what they like... as usual!

  • Hi Martian Tom

    I read your comment about your work colleague who keeps trying to pull your leg and your way of responding to him.  I must remember the comment about the contents of the Sex on the Beach cocktail as I have no idea what's in it either.  I'd hazard a guess that the majority of people don't know.

    Anyway, back to your work colleague.  It sounds from your description that your work colleague is actually trying to be friendly with you.  He's joking with you and you are joking back so he probably sees it that you are enjoying the interaction.  He may not realise that you are feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed.

    I don't know for sure without observing the way he is saying this stuff, but it sounds like a lot of people who just like to wind people up for fun and think that it's harmless fun.  They tend to do it to anyone around them who happens to be there so I'm not sure that he's singling you out as such.  He probably really likes the fact that you do come back with witty remarks.

  • Update on my Christmas plans.

    I have been sort of invited to my sister's.  Her text message yesterday included, "Have t arrange a visit t us nearer Xmas"

  • He was very uncomfortable on that day - not just the emotional significance of the thing itself - and I got the feeling that he couldn't wait to get away.  I don't suppose I'll hear anything from him again.

    That would be very sad really. Maybe try not to interpret too much into his behaviour on that day, this was a difficult day for both of you, maybe in different ways for each, but it will have affected both of you. And you can't really separate other things going on at the same time from the "emotional significance of the things itself", it's a blend, not individually wrapped pieces. Maybe that is his way of showing emotions - to not do it and to try to get away from the situation that triggers them as quickly as possible, and not get back to it (or to you) until things seem more distant. 

  • Well he knows where you are.  For all you know he might have been worried about any recriminations from you. 

    That's bad about the shelter - maybe keep your eyes open on the local radio station websites and see if facebook have a local volunteer group for such things. Hope you find something.. Good luck.