That time of year is on us again. It's going to be harder than usual for me this year as it'll be the first year in all of my 58 years that I haven't spent Christmas with mum. For the last 20 years, too, Christmas has just been me and mum. I've usually gone to her place on Christmas Eve and stayed over until Boxing Day. It's been our special time together. My brother and his wife live just a few minutes away, but they've never invited her over in all of that time, and they always spend Christmas with my sister-in-law's family. They usually called in on mum for a couple of hours on Christmas Eve... and then she wouldn't see them again until the new year (though my brother would always give mum a ring on Christmas morning). For a few years now, I've had a standing joke that he should have taken her surname at marriage rather than the other way around! I've spoken at length about her in other posts, so people will know how I feel. She's a narcissist. She's brainwashed my brother over the years, estranged him from his natural children, created difficulties for me... basically, caused a lot of emotional damage. She's divisive and manipulative: a very toxic person anyway, but especially to someone like me. For a long time now, I've kept friendly with them mainly for mum's sake.
Now that mum's no longer with us, there isn't really a need to keep that pretence up any longer. So I've told my brother that I'm simply not going to do Christmas this year. I don't especially feel like it, anyway - but mainly it's so that I don't need to have anything to do with them. I'm not going to write Christmas cards or buy any gifts. We only really gave token gifts, anyway. There are some family members - a couple of aunts and cousins - that I could send cards to. But my brother's in touch with them as well, and I'm sure he'd find out and would be upset. So it's just easier to leave it altogether. I think they'll all understand, anyway.
I can't help feeling mean about it all, though. It's just a card, after all. I sent my brother and his wife their birthday cards and gifts as normal in July (three months after mum's passing) because I would have felt awkward not doing it. It was a token gesture on my part. A bit of 'people-pleasing, too. I need to break ties, though. They don't really mean anything to me. Also, I find it very hard to forgive some of the damage that she's done. My brother's natural daughter, who's now over 40 and happily married and settled, still has tears over the 'loss' of her father. I think, if I'm absolutely honest, he suffers because of it all and is torn up inside. But nonetheless, he's made his life choices. If anything happened to his wife - and her health is precarious - he would be totally lost. Having said that, her family will take him in. He spends more time with them than with any on my side. He even holidays with them. And, as I said, he's always with them for Christmas.
Families! I wonder how other people feel about my intentions - and how other people deal with these matters themselves at this time. It's very difficult.
Birthdays are a personal event and Christmas is a family time for the fortunate. They should understand that you are not doing Christmas this year. Leave the door open for your brother in the future, don't burn all your bridges.
Can you help at a local homeless shelter or something for the day or a few days? even in the background in the kitchens if you don't want to be in the front.
Thanks. I have left the door open for him. The last time I saw him, I said to him that if he ever wants to talk about anything at all, not to hesitate to get in touch. That was two weeks ago, when we got together to scatter mum's ashes, and I've not heard a thing from him since. He was very uncomfortable on that day - not just the emotional significance of the thing itself - and I got the feeling that he couldn't wait to get away. I don't suppose I'll hear anything from him again.
I contacted a local homeless shelter and volunteered my services, but they never got back to me. I've heard from other people that they've been similarly 'ignored'. So... I shall spend the day indoors - just me and my cat - reading, watching films, dozing. As usual, in other words!
Well he knows where you are. For all you know he might have been worried about any recriminations from you.
That's bad about the shelter - maybe keep your eyes open on the local radio station websites and see if facebook have a local volunteer group for such things. Hope you find something.. Good luck.