The best way to describe how my life feels at the moment is overwhelming.
My health and ability to cope with things has been deteriorating slowly over time and this is nothing unusual; I go through these phases and have done throughout my life.
What is different now is that everything seems so much more intense and the standard I have to work to are much higher. I can't get away with having a bad day or even bad month as nothing slows or stops to accommodate it. I am now a mature woman and as such, people expect me to tolerate and cope with the toils of life, but in fact I still struggle as I did back in my teens, just I hide it better.
As described in other posts, I have been back to my GP as a result of sensory issues and having shutdowns at work and I was told I would be referred to a specialist and would hear within 7 days etc. That was over a month ago...
My referral has been rejected twice already due to the facilities it has been referred to not being capable of dealing with 'my type of case'. Meanwhile it has now been referred to somewhere else and I am told to give it more time and be patient. That's all well and great when you are in a fit state to deal with everything. Why is it medical experts don't seem to realise time is not on your side in these situations as you are sliding faster down a slippery slope that becomes much harder to climb back up again. Also, instead of being referred for sensory issues, I have been referred for a mental health assessment. I am confused and flabbergasted by the whole thing.
As a result I am left feeling like I am trying to drastically hold onto sand that is slowly slipping through my fingers.
There are other personal factors that have probably contributed to how I am feeling and reacting as well, but the main issue is that I am now just functioning as in getting up and going to work and that has been hit and miss on occasions. My routines that I so strongly rely on to make sure I eat and eat healthy as well as keep my house clean and tidy, I can no longer achieve or even comprehend, which is only heightening my stress levels - I must follow these routines in order to feel calm and in control. My self-care has also lapsed and everything seems a massive chore. Even my special interests just seem too much to even think about or get actively involved in. To make matters worse, my partner is also going through a bad time, so he has his own battles to fight without having to deal with mine.
I am aware I am having an intense period of emotions and that they are bad, but I cannot differentiate what they are or even as to why I am feeling them or what lead me to this point. Not seeing the wood for the trees could be a possible issue.
Either way, I now don't know what to do.
I have no one to turn to and even if I did, I don't know what I would say or do as I cannot express myself verbally in these situations.
To summarise, I am tired and I know it is only a matter of time before I roll over and give in because I can't battle on any more. This is why I get so frustrated that everything surrounding mental health is based on time and the infinite amount of it apparently.
I am normally a good problem solver, but I can't see a way out of this one and that is what troubles me the most.
It will be little consolation i expect but i can identify with so much of your issues and Martian Tom's.
I am in a period of real struggle right now and i have been here before and it should improve but you do feel that you can't keep doing this indefinetly
I was disgnosed age 42 about 5 years ago and after the shock as i didn't even know what aspergers was(although i have always felt different and struggled with life) i expected there would be appropriate treatment to limit its effect but i am still trying to find some real practical help.As martian Tom said it seems that apart from medication there is little real help that makes a difference which makes it worse as you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I practice Trancendental mediation(TM) a number of times a day just to be able to function but you may want to look at this as it really helps with stress and anxiety and there are other benefits too.I work too and maybe if you did a 20 minute TM during your lunch break it would help you for the rest of the day and then 1 in the evening
I have done a bit of meditation before and have found that it does help with my anxiety so you are right to suggest that I should look into this again.
I have just seen my GP and have been signed off work for two weeks for anxiety with depression. I have just got to figure out how to break the news to my boss now as he won't be best pleased and the company isn't great at dealing with people with mental health illnesses.
I got asked the age of questions today by the GP of how can I help you? What can I do for you that will help you? She wanted to help and at least listened so that in itself is something, but I don't have the answers that they need. I am asking them for help as I don't know what to do and have exhausted all options that I can think of or have the power to implement. She reassured me that she would look into the matter to see what resources were available, but like you said in your post, there is little real help and medication isn't an option for me due to me being hypersensitive to it.
At the moment, I need that light at the end of the tunnel to keep me going and I am struggling to find it presently. I will try your recommendation of practicing meditation again and hope that my GP can fathom something in the meantime.
For me this is the worst stage, where you have battled on for so long and then you have no fight left in you and no solution to the situation. I hate feeling hopeless, but as always you have to grit your teeth, buckle up and battle through it.
I can identify with this so well Starbuck. I’m glad you have a kind and listening Gp. I have more or less decided that I just don’t have the fight left In me especially without support to do battle to appeal for the higher rate of pip. I know I will lose out financially but I just don’t have any stamina left so feeling annoyed with myself. I am attempting the beginnings of the couch to 5k and achieved the first week so will take it week by week and see how it goes. Like Blueray I’m back to basics. And like you intolerant to many drugs so natural remedies like eating well and getting out doors has to be my way. I have lived many times /years taking one day at a time. I hope your employers are more tolerant than you are expecting.
I can't believe that people in the most vulnerable and complex conditions are being made to fight and justify their illnesses to qualify for any support. I wonder how long it will take for it to sink in that people with complex conditions and needs, only return to work with the right help and support, otherwise you are just exasperating the situation.
I read on the news again this morning about the Torries meddling in this area - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42170801
I am all for people being helped back into work and being encouraged to work, but it can't just be a sticky plaster approach where one simple and high level approach suits all. The section on additional training for mental health professionals and individual support for those with mental health issues made me sigh. There are not enough medical professionals as it is and mental health is vastly underfunded and misunderstood by those pulling the strings.
Rant aside, I am glad you are trying the coach to 5K. I have done this before and have found it to be the best programme to gently build up your fitness. In fact, I was considering starting it again as a means of getting me outdoors more. I found a park a few miles from my house that has a running track and outdoor gym equipment that looks really good. I have cancelled my gym membership so this might be a nice free alternative.
I hope you are feeling a bit better Misfit61 as I know you have been through a rough time lately.
I know what you mean Starbuck. I have experienced how this works. One of my employment advisors ( he has a nice cushy job) gave me a good telling off when I admitted to him that I probably failed an interview when pressed to explain a specific gap in my employment history, I told the truth that I was recovering from heart failure and unable to work at that time. Although now I am fully fit and healthy. His big advice was that one cannot admit any weaknesses, or illnesses, or disabilities. Employers just don't want to know. One has to appear to be the perfect candidate with no baggage!
Robert123 said: His big advice was that one cannot admit any weaknesses, or illnesses, or disabilities. Employers just don't want to know. One has to appear to be the perfect candidate with no baggage!
Everyone has baggage - autistic or not. To expect a perfect candidate for an interview is unrealistic and they will likely just be left disappointed and potentially miss some very good people in the process. I have seen this first hand and it made me realise I didn't want to work for people that set such unrealistic standards that they clearly fall short to meet themselves. Double-standards.
I would be open if it is necessary, but try to put a positive twist on it. For example, if you need to mention the heart condition, state you have one, but that your doctors have been amazed with your progress and that you now live a normal life with no setbacks. Show them that you are determined and let nothing stand in your way - which is true given everything you have been up against lately!
At times the whole situation gets a bit silly.
I have four employment advisors and their advice is getting contradictory.
Job centre advisor insists the job centre guidelines state that CVs must not include addresses or postcodes for confidentiality and to avoid identify theft. And my CV uploaded to universal job match has had my address removed.
The advisor from private recruitment firm seconded to the job centre insists that CVs must include a full postal address and has pasted it into my CV.
I just want to win lottery and invite people from this website on a luxury holiday.
Hi Robert,invitation accepted thank you very much,are we off to autopia? If I did the lottery and won I like to think I would offer the same.
dear Starbucks , Robert and others I do follow your posts and feel very much that we are all needing help and understanding to fit into a profile or exhistance we don’t find easy.
we do our best,it is not as if we have the choice to be how we want to be.
I am fully employed and have been most of my life, Instead of looking for a job that I would like to do I settled for what I regard as easy but low paid and offers me freedom to be me.
I decided working outside and moving constantly from job to job as each is completed was easier than being sat in one place where my weaknesses would be more obvious.
I work with my hands mostly. I am a civil engineer to give it its posh name,manual work,lifting,digging holes by hand and building pretty much anything.
I am a jack of all trades! I like to think also a master of most,,,but without credentials to put on a cv.
As the years go on I have learnt so much about my choice of work matter that I now am able to tackle anything, I still have no qualifications, I am a Ganger or foreman,purely by accumulating knowledge over the years. My official title now is labourer! I have a card to prove it,and yet I am also a site safety supervisor,a site environmentally aware supervisor, have tickets for many things, still I do not fit into the system as I have to be recognised in a way that only accepts a government backed coarse and and exam pass within their guidelines.
So in essence no matter how many add ons I achieve I still don’t fit the correct way.
I feel for you all struggling to keep going in a system not designed for the likes of us,but at least we try,we try so very hard, only problem with that is it doesn’t fit their guidelines.
Sorry for the ramble But had to try and say although I have a secure job I still have many issues which somehow I have managed to accept. I am a prisoner of having to fit in,I feel I am wasted doing what I do. Sounds arrogant but I have so much to offer but just cannot fit the academic profile that is required. I am dyslexic, look at Richard Branson and others who didn’t fit the system? They got lucky,shear determination and a lucky opportunity got them fame and fortune,plus hard work, but on paper and with just a cv they would have never got anywhere.
we are not broken,it is the strict guidelines and rules which are broken,wrong,and inflexible. Tick the box or NO result! ,,,,but the box we need to tick to exhist isn’t there.
Been a stressful day and had to unload,sorry if I strayed off topic a bit. There was no government guidelines to follow on here and no box to tick.
take care and take from my writing that although I get by I still suffer every second of every day, just doing what I have to.not my desired choice, but getting by.
Can't sleep, time to do more ranting.
Me and my multiple employment advisors. I went to a jobs fair last month, first employer I approached was royal mail, they had Christmas jobs available. Their representative explained that they needed fit and healthy people for up to 12 hour shifts. That the maximum parcel weight is 20kg so they need people who can lift and carry 22kg parcels with ease. He looked at me and shook his head.
Mentioned this to one of my advisors and he already knew about the 22kg requirement. And said it was common sense that they will only employ people fit enough to do the job. No point in employing someone who will injure themselves or leave after one day.
Other advisor was angry that I didn't apply, she said that the priority is to get off the unemployment register and into a job. If they discover later that I can't do the work then that's their problem.
Hope things have got easier Robert123. I have now been signed off work and my employer wants to know what I am doing to try and get myself well again. Unfortunately I am now stuck in the NHS bureaucracy system, where my referral is going round like a game of pass the parcel and no one really knows what to do with me. So yet again I am at the mercy of the system to provide a solution in order to reassure my boss I am still capable of doing my job.
In fact, I might have to make some phone calls soon to chase up what is actually happening.
Lonewarrior you are right to point out that we struggle to fit within the guidelines. I think we all work incredibly hard to remain and succeed in work, whilst the majority with ASD struggle to get into work in the first place, due to not being given a chance or reasonable adjustments not being made. I think most people would jump at a suitable job that meant they could be independent and not rely on the system to look after them. I wish more people would see this as surely this will help tackle anxiety and depression issues linked to the stress of getting a job or holding down work due to a lack of understanding?
The solution seems simple to me, but what do I know? :-)
Actually things are getting worse. My financial problems just keep getting worse.
My job prospects are not getting better. Multiple advisors but not much progress. My main obstacles seem to be long gaps in my employment history (difficult to explain). Not enough relevant experience, I make people feel uneasy, I often say something inappropriate( without realising it),. The last interviews through the recruitment agency gave feedback that I am a bit quirky. They actually used the word quirky. And they want normal people who will fit in without problems.
I was given to understand that there are specialised employment agencies that recruit for people with autism, is that real? I'm sure I saw something on TV about it.