What do Aspie women (and men) think?

I'm happy to hear that the talk is applicable to other types of relationships - that is a new angle that I had not considered at all! Thanks for sharing that, and I am so glad that you enjoyed it - and happy to hear such positive feedback. :) I think that the hope/belief that things will work out all right is what keeps many of us going!!

It is always great to hear that men can also relate to these issues because I got the impression from the media that this is not always the case... and I appreciate the virtual hug ()! I do feel like we try so hard to "fit in" that we actually forget that being honest and open is fundamental to connection... yet it is so frightening to be honest because previous experience has taught that we will often be rejected.

I am so glad that you related to the suggestion regarding no-talking dates - it is SO much easier to separate the communication and the interaction - I love being able to edit things, and try to check that what I am saying is as close to what I mean as possible, and that takes quite a bit of time. I am also frustrated that I'm expected to show attraction intuitively, when I find it to be a very rational process that requires a lot of thought... and the point about facial expression - I honestly thought that I was a LOT more expressive during the talk than I actually was! I've noticed that I often think that I am displaying more emotion than I am on the outside... further adding to the sense of disconnection when talking to neurotypicals who are not responding to certain things because they are not looking for them! 

Anyway, it was really nice to hear that this is not just applicable to women and that men share these experiences. I really hope that I will have a chance to date someone with Asperger syndrome themselves so that we can hopefully really relate to each other.

SO MUCH THIS! I used to try and bring this issue up with friends when I was younger and say that I didn't think that I was going to get married and of course they all said "You'll be the first to get married!" Then now that I am still struggling to even get into a relationship, I get told that I should have done this or should have done that or lie or pretend or act a certain way, and I keep trying to point out that I've tried all of those things and STILL failed. It doesn't help that when you do try to edit yourself, you give the person the wrong impression and then they get disappointed and leave. It feels good to hear that I am not alone but... it also makes me sad to know that other people also have to live with this feeling of... just feeling like things might never work out.

Loving your humanity btw x 

Oh I completely understand what you mean about the person that you spent your life being - it is definitely a challenge being diagnosed later (which many of us were) because you really do end up having quite an identity crisis of sorts. I'm glad that you managed to meet someone who understands how to appreciate you - I think it seems easier for men than women for various reasons, but I could be very wrong and simply just a little jealous.

Thank you for such a lovely reply...recursion....ever decreasing circles more like... i am tempted to try the following solutions..

1. switch it off and switch it on again
2. blame the manufacturer...who claims it is outside of warranty
3. factory reset
4. upgrade self to Ellie 8.4.2....a newer system, but buggy

x big love x 

I love the fact that you enjoyed the computer science joke - it was originally a little more complex and involved a joke about recursion, but I had to simplify it because the curators said that it would be too hard for people to understand :D I absolutely feel like I am constantly trying to "debug" the areas of my life that are not working, but fixing an error in one area tends to cause a malfunction somewhere else... and then I have to calm down and remind myself that I didn't write the code in the first place! 

I think the challenges that you are facing are hard because you are actually IN a relationship - and I think many of us will know how hard it feels to get into one in the first place... you want to do everything that you can to keep it going as long as you can handle it. Of course you develop feelings for the person, but it is still a challenge. I just hope that you get your partner to a point where he is not "scared" of your diagnosis. I wish you lots of happiness and hope that things work out for the best!

Oh, and yes, I do feel like I am constantly trying to find intellectual ways to overcome life's problems and er... it seems to only work to a limited extent :)

Really enjoyed the talk, thank you, as I'm very interested in all things Aspergers. Only having become aware of my being Aspergers some two years ago, I'm learning more and more about my real aspergers self as opposed to the 'camouflaged' person I, inadvertently, spent most of my life being. Regarding relationships and having a person who is informed about Aspergers, I am fortunate in that I have a partner who is experienced in dealing with Aspergers (in her son) and who is invaluable to me. Relationships are two-way, so she is greatly appreciative of my being a fundamentally straight-forward, honest person who is able to support her in turn with her chronic illness.

Likewise.from me.

Thank you.X X (). ()

Thank you for sharing your self with us x

I have to quickly jump in and say that I loved these responses so much that I would like to reply individually - I feel so relieved that what I said was relatable and won't cause more problems to people who have the same struggles as me! :) You're all simply amazing for sharing as much as you have here and I have some stuff to take care off first, but am definitely coming back to this.

Thanks for taking the time to watch and respond - much appreciated :) <3 

Hello Saraip.

You talk is amazing....and I identified with it in many ways.  The idea of treating aspects of life like a university degree....if I try hard enough and read enough about the subject I can make this work and understand things a little better!!!

Unfortunately, as you rightly point out this can help to a certain extent but it is also a great help if other parties also read the ASD/Aspie hand-out and can understand us a little better.

I am also a programmer (I teach computer science) and a gamer (finished my Masters last year) and I laughed out loud about the appeal of your "sexy syntax"....see...we can even master other languages but in life we often get "logic errors" (sorry other forum members, if that is too geeky a response!)...so need to take time to examine the "code" of life and re-interpret and re-compile.... tried this....solved one error...generated another 100!... it certainly is a challenge intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

Your openness about the fragility of forming relationships also hit a nerve (emotional need and desire are again a mass of variables)...the fact that we can be prone to unhealthy relationships...to conform to others wants and needs to "belong", be "accepted", to "fit in" and this can easily lead to a path of being manipulated or coerced . Ticked that box (ticking it now in my current relationship) ...which is a mix of coercion and also frustrated care and protection on his part.  He also refuses to read the ASD/Aspie hand-out so my frustration that he is missing out on understanding and enjoying the specialness of our diagnosis.

Anyhow, this is me...and this is "what I think!"

Good luck out there

Ellie

42 and three quarters.....jumping life's syntactic hoops!

What a fantastic talk Sarai, thanks for sharing! Lots of what you say sounds rather familiar, especially the "don't worry, you will be fine" thing. Strange isn't it, we may manage to identify problems quite accurately but nobody believes us, then it does happen exactly like we feared, and we get told this is all our fault, we probably didn't want it to go any better... 

Hello Saraip I am a Male aged 55, I watched your talk and very much understand pretty much all you have said, I also even as a male can associate with what it is like for you. There are variations in intensity on specifics but much the same as I have experienced. I can only imagine it is because each of us go through life with varied outside influences, these have a profound effect on us as we grow older.. I am sure I have been lucky in a way and unlucky in another, I have learnt to cope, I am able to adapt, not stand out in a crowd, it has been a constant battle to just exhist. It never felt right, I was indeed researching everything and finding strategies to overcome each hurdle as I came upon it. I researched And analysed very well,

The big problem is that having coped and adjusted for so many years I have lost who I am,or who I was. 

Very sad and traumatic once I found out about autism and Aspergers specifically. I suddenly saw that although my task to fit in was going very well it wasn’t ever what I wanted. It was what I thought people just did. 

I really liked you saying that to communicate well it would be better on a digital device sat next to somebody. I very much agree with that statement, I get to edit and think before typing, as I have writing this, I read it back through and misspellings would be like me mumbling my words, I can pour out my true feelings without giving the right facial expression,I can judge the reply by use of characters,a face in front of me verbalising would be impossible to understand.

Thank you for posting this, it has been good to hear your journey, and from my point of view as a male it does cover a lot of what being Aspergers or ASD is like.

one last thing,,,could I be so bold as to ask if I could maybe give you a little hug to show my appreciation? I only really hug virtually, in real life I cannot judge if it will be accepted or indeed if the intensity is correct depending on the situation.

we use () to signify a hug here! I would only wrap one arm around your shoulder and only for a very brief moment.

Hello saraip. I just watched the video. I think you were spot on. I think You represented us very well in an interesting, engaging, humorous and sensitive way I equate with quite a lot of what you said. Thank you very much for sharing. I’ve never really done the dating thing more just fallen into relationships of sorts. I still live by myself and continue to hope that one day things will work out alright . Plus I think what you said related to other types of relationships, friendships and relatives.